ANIMALS BEHAVING BADLY

Animal arsonists

2012-01-26T07:37:00.002-05:00

In any given week's news you'll find a number of stories of dogs credited with saving lives by alerting their owners to a fire. Recent examples come from Michigan, Ohio, Pittsburgh... I could easily go on.

What these stories never seem to mention is that - as we've noted before - pets also CAUSE hundreds of fires every year.

For example, here on the blog we've seen a retriever that turned on a stove and set fire to a house in England, and if you've read the book, you know about the cat that committed arson by stepping on the switch of the toaster oven.

It's not just household pets, of course: In one recent case, pigs started a fire in a barn at a farm sanctuary in upstate New York, sending four employees to the hospital for smoke inhalation suffered while rescuing the animals.

But for most of us, it's cats and dogs we need to worry about. And worry we should, as one family in England discovered. It's suspected that their kittens turned on the stove by walking over a touch-sensitive control. The blaze spread to the house next door as well, and damage is so extensive that the buildings may have to be torn down.

And dogs have no concern for the consequences when they're determined to fill their bellies: elsewhere in England, a dog set fire to a home when it turned on a burner while trying to a get a pizza that was left on top of the stove.

So next time you read one of those stories of animals heroically saving their humans from a house fire, ask yourself: Maybe, just maybe, there's a good reason that they knew about the fire before everyone else?

Bad Animal Video Roundup

2012-01-23T08:17:00.000-05:00

New cases of old animal vices, and some new insights into their depravity, caught on film:

-We've seen so many examples of animals invading places of business that it might be time to retire this one to a Hall of Fame, but what the heck, here's a deer crashing its way into a New Jersey Goodwill store.

-Way back at the beginning of this blog we met a seagull that repeatedly strolled into a store in England to steal its favorite flavor of chips. Check out another example of the thieving persistence of these birds as this gull steals lunch from someone's backpack, completely unconcerned at being filmed the whole time.

-Ever wonder what your cat does all night? Ever wonder why you feel so tired in the morning? Maybe there's a connection. Check out this time-lapse video.

-This one shocked even me: Baboons that kidnap puppies.

-And finally: Yes, it's important to beware of the dangers of animals. But first, make sure the animal is alive. Example: Here's video from Houston of police responding to 911 calls about... a stuffed tiger.

There's even less excuse when you realize that it looks exactly like the tiger in the photo above. That one caused the same kind of ruckus in England back in June. People, you need to keep up with this blog!

"Vegetarian orang-utans eat world's cutest animal"

2012-01-19T07:43:00.000-05:00

That's the headline from New Scientist, reporting on a study published in the International Journal of Primatology.

I could just let that headline and adorable photo stand for itself. But no, it's my job, so I'm going to rub it in. Humans love to believe that our primate relatives are basically nicer people than we are, but this is the sort of thing we always find when we look more closely. And don't think these guys are just stumbling upon roadkill and figuring what the hell, it's already dead. It's quite deliberate and calculated:

In 2007 Hardus was tracking two orangs in the canopy above her – a female called Yet and her infant Yeni – when Yet abruptly changed direction and approached a slow loris (Nycticebus coucang). She knocked it out of the tree, crashed down to the ground, bit the stunned loris's head, then carried the body back into the tree to eat it. When Yeni begged, she was allowed to share the meat. The great apes each chomped on opposite ends of the dead primate, sharing it between them like lovers might a strand of spaghetti.

The researcher also found that in all documented cases the orang stunned the loris before proceeding. This is a precaution that shows some forethought, since slow lorises have another highly unusual quality aside from their extreme cuteness: they have toxic saliva, so you don't want to get bitten before you take a bite.

Oh, and if you don't believe it? Click on the link. She got video. In these days of cameras everywhere, even apes can't hide their bad behavior for long.

Tasty little fellow photographed by Flickr user underwhelmer.

No funny title today

2012-01-18T07:42:00.001-05:00

In Tokyo, it's crows that are at war against the internet, stealing fiberoptic cables to build nests and cutting off people's service.

In the US, we don't need crows. We've got Congress.

Tell your representatives not to lower themselves to the level of bad animals.

(This message brought to you by Bloggers Who Aren't Sure They Could Put Their Site Back Up If They Blacked It Out For a Day United. If there isn't such a group there ought to be.)

Bad animal news briefs

2012-01-16T08:30:00.000-05:00

A few updates in some of our traditional categories of bad animal behavior:

-Animals bringing out the worst in people: A study reveals that the average dog causes three family arguments per week, over 2000 in the course of its life:

Incredibly, in 17 per cent of households the dog disputes have got so bad one member of the family has slept in the spare room, while a quarter of those polled have been known to storm off after things got too heated.

-Animals with human vices: A parrot rescued by sanctuary in England has been barred from appearing in education programs because of his fowl - er, foul mouth. A staff member puts it delicately: "Mr T is actually a very friendly parrot but he has never lived with other parrots and he has picked up some interesting phrases and words which are not appropriate for some venues we go to."

-Endangered animals that can't blame us: A rare Sumatran tiger at the Toronto Zoo, brought all the way from San Diego for breeding purposes, killed a female instead of mating with her. The zoo spokesperson who commented that tigers "rarely kill each other" obviously doesn't read this blog.

-And finally, in the recent trend of animal home invastions, the perps are getting scarier: A family in Australia heard its dog barking and woke to find a 1.7 meter crocodile in their home. The resourceful man of the house fended it off with a guitar till wildlife officials came to subdue the creature. Identifying marks revealed that ths reptile had been on the lam since a breakout at a croc farm over six years ago.

Boars winning the battle

2012-01-12T08:30:00.002-05:00

Wild boars are one of the recurring culprits in our bad animal tales. In the book and many previous posts we've seen them plaguing Germany. They're also a problem in the US, in locations as far apart as Texas and New York State

And the reports continue. They're tearing up yards in a fancy neighborhood in Vienna and an English town in Kent, pictured above. Recently, what was called a "reign of terror" ended when a huge boar in Florida was shot when he attacked trappers attempting to capture him. The porker had been running amuck for over a year, and two cars that hit him were totaled while the pig escaped without apparent harm. A tractor had to be called in to move the body, which was described as "as big as a Volkswagen."

These animals have no respect for what we consider sacred: now they're tearing up the grounds of Vicksburg National Military Park in Mississippi, where thousands of Civil War soldiers fought and died in 1863. "It looks like the world's biggest Rototiller has gone through some areas," says the park superintendent.

The destructive swine can be legally shot year-round in the state - "It's an all-out war on them," said a Department of Wildlife spokesman. But he has no illusions about who is going to win this modern battle of Vicksburg: "But hunting will never get rid of them. They can breed three times a year and a sow can have eight to 10 pigs each time. You do the math."

Bad birds flying under the radar

2012-01-09T07:46:00.001-05:00

To my chagrin, I recently discovered that a considerable amount of bad bird behavior has been sneaking past me.

To be fair, this blog has been on the case even when birds are trying to avoid scrutiny by being in the news in a language other than English. We also did not miss the annual Thanksgiving update on the dangers of turkeys.

But then I spent part of the slow internet season over the holidays catching up on the always interesting Nothing to Do With Arbroath, where I found the story reported last time of the hawk flying into a woman's home to attack her Chihuahua.

And upon further perusal, I found that this blog is a trove of bird stories from the past couple of months. We've got some run-of-the-mill destructiveness:

-In England, a car dealership has had to supply umbrellas to customers even in fair weather to protect them from seagulls. Otherwise they're bombarded by both bird poo and trash from a nearby dump. "If you don't run to the showroom from your car, you will look like a dalmatian. We have had chicken carcasses and tea bags dropped on our forecourt. Chicken carcasses, dropped from a great height, will dent the cars."

-In Oklahoma, starlings tried to ruin Christmas by eating the lightbulbs in a courthouse Christmas star, costing the town $1,200 for replacements.

But, in some more interesting cases, we've got birds using a variety of strategies to get humans in hot water:

-In Wales a woman who caused a firey car crash claimed she had been distracted by a magpie flying alongside her car. To be fair, the fact that her alcohol level was over three times the legal limit may have contributed to the situation.

-But working with human vices isn't their only approach - playing on people's sympathies works too: in Lynn, Massachusetts, an 80-year-old woman is facing criminal charges for illegally feeding ducks and geese.

-And in New York, a pigeon nicknamed Fred has been dive-bombing police assigned to patrol the construction site at the former World Trade Center. Not only is Fred pooping on them, the officers have been reprimanded for defending themselves. Allegedly due to public complaints, a source told the New York Post, “We were told that if we didn’t go easy on the bird, we would get in trouble.”

Yet another warning from Flickr user Andrew Eason.

Not safe in our own homes

2012-01-05T07:59:00.001-05:00

You might think you're safe from animals as long as you stay indoors and aren't foolish enough to invite any to live with you. But animal home invasion is an escalating trend.

In December we saw a seal lounging on a sofa and a bear living in a basement. In October it was a deer breaking into a man's home workshop. And this is leaving aside bears breaking into more public places like pizza shops and candy stores and bovines in bars and shopping malls.

And here are three more reports from all over the world, just in the past month:

-On Christmas Eve, a family in Utah was expecting their holiday to include only fictional deer. But a large buck crashed through a window, spending two hours trampling furniture and gifts before wildlife officers could arrive to subdue it.

-In the suburbs of a city in China, a red panda tried to sneak into a home while the residents were picnicking in the yard - although it appeared to have second thoughts once they started taking video of it.

-In perhaps the most frightening case, a 74-year-old woman in England had to save her Chihuahua from a hawk. The raptor first attacked the pup on the patio, then followed it into the house. After wrestling the bird off the dog three times, she finally chased it out. The brave woman told reporters, “I just said ‘you’re damn not going to kill him’."

Keep your doors locked and your windows barred... and come back Monday for more reasons to watch your back.

Mainstream media gets it perfect for once

2012-01-02T09:14:00.001-05:00

There is nothing I could possibly add to or delete from this brilliant story from the Associated Press, and inspired by this crocodile's gall, I'm going to start the New Year off all animal-like by simply stealing the whole thing:

SYDNEY (AP) — A giant saltwater crocodile named Elvis with an apparent affinity for household machinery charged at an Australian reptile park worker Wednesday before stealing his lawn mower.

Tim Faulkner, operations manager at the Australian Reptile Park, north of Sydney, was one of three workers tending to the lawn in Elvis' enclosure when he heard reptile keeper Billy Collett yelp. Faulkner looked up to see the 16-foot (5-meter), 1,100-pound (500-kilogram) crocodile lunging out of its lagoon at Collett, who warded the creature off with his mower.

"Before we knew it, the croc had the mower above his head," Faulkner said. "He got his jaws around the top of the mower and picked it up and took it underwater with him."

The workers quickly left the enclosure. Elvis, meanwhile, showed no signs of relinquishing his new toy and guarded it closely all morning.

Eventually, Faulkner realized he had no other choice but to go back for the mower.

Collett lured Elvis to the opposite end of the lagoon with a heaping helping of kangaroo meat while Faulkner plunged, fully clothed, into the water. Before grabbing the mower, however, he had to search the bottom of the lagoon for two 3-inch (7-centimeter) teeth Elvis lost during the encounter. He quickly found them and escaped from the pool, unharmed and with mower in tow.

Though many may question the wisdom of going after a couple of teeth with a massive crocodile lurking just feet away, Faulkner said finding them was critical. "They clog up the filter systems," he said.

And, he said, "They're a nice souvenir."

Elvis has a history of crankiness and has lunged at staff before, though this is the first time he has stolen something from one of the workers. The croc was initially captured in the northern Australian city of Darwin, where he had been attacking fishing boats. He was then moved to a crocodile farm, where he proceeded to kill his two crocodile girlfriends.

In 2008, he was moved to the reptile park, where he has enjoyed solitary confinement in his own enclosure.

"When they are the dominant croc, they're just full of testosterone," Faulkner said. "He's got his beautiful own yard, he wants to be a solitary creature. He's happy."

Despite having to give up the lawn mower, Elvis was clearly pleased with himself, Faulkner said.

"He's beaten us today ... he's kingpin," Faulkner said. "He's going to be walking around with his chest puffed out all day."

As for the staff at the reptile park?

"I can't lie, the bosses are not going to be happy about the cost of a new lawn mower," Faulkner said with a laugh. "(But) we love it. No one's injured ... and when you get scared and it all turns out to be good, it's actually quite enjoyable."

Bovine bad behavior is a path to stardom

2011-12-28T08:46:00.005-05:00

Back in October we met a cow named Laura who discovered that bad behavior was more than its own reward. She invaded a shopping mall, chewed up a bunch of merchandise, and rather than being punished, was offered an endorsement deal to appear in ads for the clothing she had demolished.

Another European cow made the news for a more protracted episode of bad behavior this past year - and now she's got herself an even bigger prize. Yvonne made a break for it in Bavaria in May and caused great controversy over several months on the lam. After failing to capture her, the police were authorized to shoot on sight, allegedly because of the danger she posed to motorists. This caused an uproar among Yvonne's fan, and she was then purchased from her original owners by an animal sanctuary that was determined to save her.

These sentimental cow-huggers tracked Yvonne with helicopters and all-terrain vehicles and tried to lure her back to family life, using her own calf and then a bull so handsome that press dubbed him a "George Clooney among cattle." She was having none of it, so they finally had to resort to a more conventional method: tranquilizer darts.

Since being captured in September Yvonne has been living in luxury, but it turns out that's not the end of the story: Now, she's been offered a movie deal.

No word yet on what kind of artistic control she's negotiated or what she's demanding in her dressing room. But this is a lady who smashed through a 8,000 volt electric fence and needed a double dose of tranquilizer to finally bring her down. We're glad we don't have to negotiate with this tempermental star.

Relatives Behaving Badly

2011-12-26T08:34:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year again: When you wonder why you bother having an Amazon wishlist if people are just going to buy you a bunch of junk you don't want anyway.

If you have to go and order your own copy of the Animals Behaving Badly book because no one gave it to you for Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever other holiday you pretend to celebrate when your parents are watching, why not also consider these other fine items by friends of the blog?

You can read about some animals behaving mostly not badly, but certainly unconventionally, in Animals Aloft!, a book of photographs and anecdotes about animals in the early history of aviation. It's by our friends at the Janus Museum, a site which is well worth your attention.

Do you feel just a little guilty about reading this blog and revelling in the dark side of animals? Salve your conscience by supporting pit bull rescue by buying the calendar from Pinups for Pitbulls, which is full of photos of good dogs and lovely ladies like the one above. You could also pre-order what will no doubt be a noble and heartwarming book about Soldier Dogs by Maria Goodavage at Dogster.

And don't forget you can probably still get some of the stuff from our holiday shopping guide (part one and part two.)

We return on Thursday to your regularly scheduled bad animal coverage.

Penguin poo panda protest

2011-12-22T07:47:00.002-05:00

When one bad animal is pitted against another, you might think I'd want them both to lose. But in this conflict, the choice of side is a black-and-white one.

This blog has often bemoaned the inexplicable human obsession with pandas. At zoos, they do nothing but sit there while people flock to see them. There is even scientific evidence that the panda is basically a crummy animal. One researcher recently commented that, looking at its bamboo-digesting capabilities:

"I see a very badly adapted animal. The main way the panda has adapted to the low-quality diet is not via microbiota, like the vast majority of other animals, but by eating 15 hours per day."

But boring behavior and inferior biology are helpless to counteract the effects of a cute black and white face with those adorable little eye patches. The urge to produce baby pandas is so overwhelming some keepers are even willing to make fools of themselves dressing up in panda suits to raise them.

And this obsession has serious consequences. As we've noted before, not even scientists are immune to the lure of the cute animal, with far more attention going to conservation of conventionally attractive, big furry creatures.

In a recent example of this bias, the National Zoo recently got a donation of 4.5 million dollars to its panda breeding program. One wonders how many entire species of, say, critically endangered frogs, could be saved from extinction with this amount of money. Instead, it'll be used to produce a baby animal that, judging from photos like the one above, we seem to have plenty of - in China where the darn things belong.

So we're heartened by a recent story out of Scotland, where the Edinburgh Zoo recently acquired a pair of pandas, with great fanfare mostly drowning out the few voices of reason proclaiming them a big cuddly waste of money.

But some zoo residents are expressing their opinion in the clearest and most un-ignorable way possible. Rockhopper penguins are gathering along the edge of their exhibit, which looks out over the long line of vistors waiting to see the pandas, and pooping on them:

A 41-year-old, who was standing in the panda queue on Sunday said: "We were queuing to see the pandas when a man in front shouted out in surprise that his jacket had been hit by a big dollop of penguin poo.

It just missed me and my family and it was really oily and stank of fish. It was disgusting."

The zoo is, of course, planning to build a barrier to protect the panda-obsessed, but we are pleased to praise these penguins for their stinking salvos in the anti-panda cause.

Traditions and trends news briefs

2011-12-19T08:06:00.001-05:00

It's a time of year when traditions take center stage. Some prefer precise repetition, with every ornament on the tree in the same place; others want to push the envelope, stuffing the turkey with new-fangled ingredients instead of using Mom's old-time recipe.

Bad animal have traditions, too, and like us, some of them are old-school, and some are pushing the envelope:

-Dogs shooting their owners with guns: it's so common that it made it into the subtitle of the book - and they're not stopping now.

In Utah, a dog in a boat with some duck hunters jumped onto a shotgun and shot one of them in the butt. The man was taken to the hospital, where he was treated and released. Those of you who object to hunting will no doubt be pleased by local news reports that "The dog and any ducks within range at the time of the accident were uninjured."

A more serious case occurred in Florida, where a bulldog named Eli in shot his owner in the thigh with a rifle while in a truck on a hunting trip. Reports called the shooting "unintentional" despite the fact the dog had to release the safety before being able to shoot the gun. The 78-year-old victim was shot in a major artery and and as of last Tuesday was still on a ventilator.

-Bears scavenging for garbage and even breaking into homes is nothing new, but they're taking it to a new level. I thought I was impressed by the bear in Vancouver that actually hitched a ride on a garbage truck (video here) until I read about the bear that had been living for weeks in a basement in New Jersey.

The animal had built a bed of leaves and branches and was ready for a comfy winter till a cable TV guy came to make a repair. He heard a growl and turned to find himself facing a 500 pound black bear:

"I just freaked out, threw my tools, ran out of the basement."

It took a hour-long chase for animal control officers to tranquilize and capture the bear. The homeowner plans to start keeping his basement locked, and maybe you want to check all your doors as well.

-Finally, what may be a new trend: we recently saw a seal trying to get into someone's house in Australia.

That one didn't make it, but seals seem to be taking this as an ongoing project, and the second attempt was a success. No doubt realizing our weakness for the cute, this time the seals sent a baby to perform the mission. After making its way from the water across busy roads, up a long driveway, under a gate and through the cat door, it made itself at home on a sofa.

Fortunately, they chose a victim that had more sense than most. The New Zealand woman at first thought she was hallucinating, then, she said:

"Then it looks at me with those huge brown eyes. It was so cute, but I didn't touch it because you don't with wild animals."

Profound quotes roundup

2011-12-15T07:43:00.002-05:00

A quick look at a few stories that on the one hand may deserve more in-depth coverage, but on the other hand, can be summed up in one quote:

-It was recently announced that the city of Berlin will be allowing a wild boar hunting season. If you've read the book, you know that wild boars in Europe have been invading cities, often charging into homes and buildings and chasing innocent humans through the streets. Why, you might wonder, don't these animals stay in the forest where they belong? One expert says there's a simple explanation.

In the forest, the food is not that interesting. In the city, there is an entire menu. The boars are like the French. They like good food.

-Earlier this year, a South African farmer was in the news boasting of his relationship with his pet hippo, frolicking for the camera as in the photo above. He summed it up like this:

Humphrey's like a son to me, he's just like a human.

Perhaps he was right, but not in the way he seemed to mean: Last month, he was found dead after his beloved hippo attacked him.

-And finally, if you think you're safe because you live at a great distance from wild boars and hippos: From an excellent story in Esquire - not one of my usual bad animal news sources - by a man whose house was infested with ants, here's what he learned about them:

They’re not in your underwear by accident. They’re nation-building.

Truth is scarier than fiction

2011-12-12T08:12:00.002-05:00

Last week we saw an argument that bad behavior leads to the development of intelligence. This is a worrying notion, since superior intelligence means an animal can commit even more sophisticated offenses. Considering all the bad behavior I have documented, the possibility of such a truly vicious circle means that we need to be watching our backs.

Or, perhaps, we should be watching the skies, because quite a lot of recent research shows that birds - especially crows and ravens - are already a whole lot more intelligent than we thought.

You might read these reports and think them just a curiosity. One recent study showed that crows can remember the color of a container with food in it up to a year later. A good memory might not seem like a threat, but if you had a good memory, you'd remember our earlier post: Crows can also remember the faces of people who have annoyed them, and can use this knowledge to teach other crows who to attack.

Another scientist has shows that wild ravens can use gestures to communicate. You may think that gestures are primitive compared to language. But before this, experts thought that only primates could do this naturally, without being taught by humans. So not only are birds more intelligent than we thought, but have a way to communicate silently when they're sneaking up on us.

Perhaps most ominously, it's been shown that crows have what scientists call a "theory of mind," meaning they can see the world from another's point of view.

Why is this a problem? Most bunnyhugging animal lovers would no doubt jump to the conclusion that this means they are empathetic and care about your feelings. But knowing what another creature knows has a very important consequence: Now you know how to deceive them. And this is exactly what the researcher saw:

Out in the wild, jays and other corvids will hide food in the ground. We experimented with them, hiding food in two types of tray — one full of pebbles which was noisy when disturbed, and another full of sand which was quiet.

If other birds couldn’t see them hiding the food because they were behind a screen, but could still hear them, the jays picked the sand and were as quiet as mice when they buried food. But if other birds were watching, or if they were on their own, they realized that it didn’t matter how noisy they were.

If the birds were being watched when they hid their food, they rushed to move it to another hiding place as soon as the other watching birds were out of sight

The same researcher has also shown crows can plan ahead better than young human children. There's also the fairly old news that they can use tools - but more recent research has shown they can use up to three tools in sequence to achieve a goal.

So these birds know whether you're watching them, can communicate stealthily, hold a grudge and pass it on to their friends, and can use technology. Also take note of this interesting fact about their strength of character: researchers in Australia found that crows are able to delay gratification, waiting up to five minutes to swap a piece of food for something better.

And crows have plenty of reasons to resent us. While most birds are beloved for their grace and beauty, crows are seen as pests. A flock of bluebirds in your backyard would be considered a magical experience; a flock of crows is a different story. Even possibly the most animal-hugging city in the country, San Francisco, uses pesticides on ravens and crows.

It's said revenge is a dish best served cold, and it's clear that these birds have both the planning skills and the moral fiber to wait for the right moment. Like I said, watch the skies.

Runs in the family

2011-12-08T10:35:00.000-05:00

Again and again on this blog, we see that scientists and other alleged experts are the worst offenders when it comes to enabling bad animal behavior. They're constantly making excuses: A seal that drowned a dog was "curious," a wombat violently attacked a man because it was suffering from mange, a thieving baboon was "corrupted" by tourists. We've even seen the claim - in two different cases!- that dogs who ate their owners' toes were doing them a favor.

But even after all that, I was astounded by a recent headline:

Researchers find poop-throwing by chimps is a sign of intelligence

According to the folks at PhysOrg.com, a recent paper by three neuroscientists proves that if our distant ancestors hadn't thrown feces, we'd never have evolved language.

The argument is based on a brain imaging study. The researchers found that the more a chimp throws, the more its brain is developed in an area that's crucial to human speech.

The scientists also found that the chimps who were the best throwers were the best at communicating with other chimps. What's more, their skill wasn't due to being the big tough guys:

which the researchers suggest means that throwing didn’t develop as a means of hunting, but as a form of communication within groups, i.e. throwing stuff at someone else became a form of self expression, which is clearly evident to anyone who has ever been targeted by a chimp locked up in a zoo.

The claim that chimps throw stuff because they're smart is bad enough. But the argument that the pinnacle of our own species' distinctiveness is based on the lowest possible sort of prank is downright offensive. We're supposed to believe that language is just a sophisticated way of throwing shit? I've read a lot of nonsense by scientists while researching this blog, but I never -

Hmm, wait a minute. That makes a heckuva lot of sense, doesn't it?

Unsurprising zoo sign by Flickr user thepatrick.

Bad Animal Holiday Shopping Guide, Part 2

2011-12-08T07:46:00.004-05:00

Welcome to Part 2 of our bad-animal-themed shopping guide for the holidays. We begin (we'll get to that photo in a moment) with this t-shirt by John Allison available at TopatoCo:

Yes, we did already see a bear-warning t-shirt in Part 1 of the shopping guide, but it's encouraging to know that bear-knowledgable shoppers actually have a range of fashion choices.

Along the same lines you might also consider the Ways to Die shirt from our friends at Squidfire, which prominently features the result of not heeding the warning on the other two shirts. (Squidfire is the designs of Kevin Sherry, who illustrated the - you didn't think I'd miss a chance to mention this, did you? - Animals Behaving Badly book.)

UPDATE: TopatoCo actually has an entire T-Shirt category "Animals Doing Things That They Aren't Supposed to be Doing."

But what if you don't want to wear something that just illustrates the bad behavior of animals? What if you want to wear something that will let you actively demonstrate it? What if you want to BE a bad animal?

Well, we can do this thing, with the help again of our friends at Archie McPhee: buy their Creepy Horse Mark. The mask is useful for frightening pugs, as in the photo above, and I speak from personal experience when I say that they deserve it.

You can buy the mask and see much more inspiration for deploying it at Creepyhorsemask.com. But if that's not enough for you, you can be the bad animal with the cutest reputation of all: McPhee also sells a full-body panda suit.

PS: And before you buy a gift FOR your own bad animals, I recommend that you read my post on this subject at my publisher's blog.

Bad Animal Holiday Shopping Guide, Part 1

2011-12-05T08:00:00.001-05:00

Of course the first item on the list you sent to Santa was the Animals Behaving Badly book. But you need to ask everyone else to buy you something too, right? And while of course you're buying the book for your friends, some of them already have it, because you're the kind of person whose friends are clever and have impeccable taste.

So you need more ideas for bad-animal-themed gifts, and this blog isn't going to let you down.

To start you've got the T-shirt with the illustration above, from Natalie Dee at SharingMachine.com. You might also want to consider their Mister Friendly Cat - be careful to read the fine print on that one. (Order by Friday for Christmas delivery.)

The danger of excessive animal love is a recurring theme on this blog, and our friends at Archie McPhee have personified this with the Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure:

You can also play the Crazy Cat Lady Board Game (win by being the most successful hoarder of kitties). And don't forget the Hairball Bubble Gum. Carry that cute little tin around and you'll always have a tasty reminder of the eternal question: why the hell do people let cats into their homes, anyway?

Come back for more suggestions later in the week.

Another noble reputation bruised by science

2011-12-01T08:16:00.001-05:00

The PR machine for wolves has been in full swing for many years now. Their former reputation as a ruthless killing machine has been largely replaced by the story that this animal is family-oriented, cooperative, and highly intelligent. "It is an animal that cares for its sick, protects its family," say some of its defenders, and is "capable of not only emotion but also real compassion." They are "extremely devoted to their pack." It's even been argued that that wolves have a sense of right and wrong.

Yeah, yeah. You know where this is going, right?

Two pieces of recent research show that the intelligent, cooperative behavior of wolf packs might not be all it's cracked up to be:

-The hunting behavior of wolves, while it seems complex to an observer, might not require a high degree of intelligence after all. Researchers programmed a computer to reproduce the behavior of a hunting pack, and it turned out that all it took was two simple rules:

(1) move towards the prey until a minimum safe distance to the prey is reached, and (2) when close enough to the prey, move away from the other wolves that are close to the safe distance to the prey.

No planning, foresight, judgement or strategy. No communication and no fancy pack hierarchy. Just two simple, automatic, mindless rules.

-Larger packs of wolves aren't better at hunting than smaller ones. You know why? Because most wolves are lazy freeloaders. No matter how big the pack is, only four wolves do any of the work. The rest just hang back and let those four do all the hard, dangerous stuff, then share in the kill. What's more, the ones who work the hardest are the one who have the most to risk - the ones with babes at home.

These animals "superficially appeared to be cooperating," say the researchers. But apparently the real reason they are so "devoted to their pack" is that they are getting something for nothing.

Of course, it's only fair to say that for a lot of us humans, our work also consists of following mindless rules, and God knows many of us only superficially appear to be cooperating. All I'm saying is, let's just remember that even the most allegedly noble animals are no better.

Big lazy yawn by Flickr user Arran Edmonstone.

New frontiers in bad bird behavior

2011-11-28T07:41:00.000-05:00

Some bad animals stick to tradition: there'll always be a place for the dog who bites the mailman. But they never stop coming up with new ideas as well, as demonstrated recently in a town in Norway.

For quite some time, candles left on the graves at a cemetery in Skagen had been mysteriously disappearing. Grieving relatives even begged the thieves to stop in the newspaper - which turns out to have been pointless, because the robbers can't read. They're birds.

The culprits were identified when someone finally realized there was a connection to another problem, this time at the airport across the road from the graveyard. The runway had long been used as a tool by seagulls: they drop mollusks on the hard surface to crush the shells so they can get at the tasty meat inside. But more recently, broken glass was being found all over the runway as well.

It turns out that crows and magpies steal the grave candles, drop them on the runway to break their glass containers, then eat the wax to fatten up for the winter. Now that officials know what to look for, the evidence is clear: "We can see traces of beak marks in the candles," one said.

On the one hand, we might reassure ourselves that these birds aren't all that smart, since they can't tell which candles are edible before stealing them: Electric candles have been found blinking on the runway as well.

But on the other hand, one has to wonder if the attraction of the runway is more than the hard surface, and whether there's a more sinister plan at work here. After all, leaving glass all over the runway where it can blow out airplane tires is a good way to ensure there will be more candles to steal - by sending more people to the graveyard.

Thanks for the tip and translation to Bruce Morén-Duolljá of Animals Behaving Badly's Scandinavia bureau.

Ominous crows by Flickr user Jim Donnelly.

Turkey Revenge in the Big City

2011-11-23T08:07:00.001-05:00

This blog has been covering the turkey menace since the beginning, most recently with actual video of an attack on a mail truck.

Don't fool yourself that you're safe because your Thanksgiving dinner takes place in an urban area. Follow the links in that first post and you'll see that as far back as 2007 turkeys were harrassing pedestrians on the main shopping street in Brookline, MA, just over the border from Boston. We've also seen them in Philadelphia. And if that doesn't convince you, how about New York City?

OK, so it's just Staten Island (says the kid from the Bronx) but that IS legally New York City. And it's only a ferry ride or strut across the bridge before the hipsters of Brooklyn and soon after, the bankers of Wall Street could be in their sights.

And remember, these are New York turkeys now. They don't mess around, as a couple of quotes from the Daily News reveal:

"The filthy animals are like a gang. They take over the street and yards and poop everywhere. It's disgusting."

"I one time saw a man at the red light taunting a turkey. His window was down and he was making noises at it. Next thing you know the light turned green and the turkey started chasing the car down the street, pecking at it."

Although this situation is getting a lot of coverage this year, it's not new. Local government has been trying without success to deal with the situation since at least 2007. Back then, one local commented:

"People with young children are afraid because the turkeys are very, very brazen. They’ll chase after dogs. They will sometimes get aggressive with people. And if you’re walking under the trees, it’s just like any bird: Plop!”

But ineffectual attempts at control have combined as usual with humans not knowing which side they are on. When one man frustrated by government inaction took the situation into his own hands, he was convicted of attempted animal cruelty for firing a barrage of bottle rockets at the turkeys.

So numbers have continued to grow, and the birds have only grown bolder. Another victim told the Daily News:

"It was straight out of 'Cujo,'" said dental assistant Gina Guaragno, 23. "I'm sitting in my car Facebooking on my phone when turkeys jumped on my windshield.

"I screamed like I was being murdered. They just kept looking at me like it was their car. I felt trapped. I was so scared."

The only small comfort we can take is that these may be New York turkeys, but they're up against New York humans: says one local,

"I've seen people grab them and put them in their cars always around Thanksgiving time. They are turkeys. It's Thanksgiving. They should look out or they will become someone's dinner."

Up close with a Staten Island turkey gang by brave Flickr user dazedeffect.

Bad Animal Sex Science Linkarama

2011-11-21T08:40:00.000-05:00

Some recent headlines in cutting-edge research into the appalling sex lives of animals:

Jealous Hermaphrodite Shrimp Murder Their Rivals
Cleaner shrimp are pretty kinky creatures, able to reproduce both as male and female. They can't fertilize their own eggs, though, so they do need a partner. And when they get one, they don't take any chances. This research found that when tankmates molt, the shrimp take advantage of their vulnerable state to kill them. This continues until only one pair is left in the tank.

Spiders with good gifts get lucky for longer
This research reveals the gold-digging nature of female spiders. The males trade gifts for sex, and the females have upscale tastes:

Male nursery web spiders carefully prepare silk-wrapped gifts to woo potential mates into having sex. But if the present is worthless -- like inedible plant seeds or the tasteless remains of eaten prey -- mating ends abruptly.

Dolphins team up to get the girl
Uh, right. They make it sound so charming, but, as readers of this blog should be well aware, dolphins are known gang rapists. The research reported in this article investigated why they do this. (Apparently "because they are assholes" is never enough for a scientist.) The results show that dolphins in these gangs are more likely to sire offspring. Big surprise, since as the researcher notes, "The female can't get away from them."

Dolphin doing the sort of job these filthy animals deserve by Flickr user septuagesima.

Just a phase?

2011-11-17T08:20:00.001-05:00

Another penguin soap opera is in the news, this time in Canada. The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of male penguins so they can do their duty to carry on the species.

Scientists hesistate to use human terms like "gay" for animal relationships, but the two are exhibiting the same courtship behavior as male-female penguin pairs, including a mating call similar to the bray of a donkey. (Hey, as long as it works for them, right?) Said one zoo official, "It’s a complicated issue, but they seem to be in a loving relationship of some sort."

Loving or no, unfortunately, these penguins are shirking their responsibilities. Their species is endangered, and their population in captivity needs to be carefully monitored to retain its genetic diversity. Penguins are moved around to different zoos for mating, and even heterosexual pairs may be split up if they're not considered a good genetic match.

These two penguins were brought to Toronto from Pittsburgh specifically to mate with two of their females, and it's not the ladies' fault that it hasn't worked out. "The two girls have been following them," said the zoo's curator of birds, "we just have to get the boys interested in looking at them."

We've seen gay penguin controversy before. The most famous case, of course, is that of the penguins from the Central Park zoo who had a much-banned children's book written about them.

But before you leap to this couple's defense with accusations of zookeeper homophobia, remember it's not like it's always humans who break up these relationships. We've also seen a pair of male penguins who raised a chick together - and then one of them left his mate for a female.

Penguins also sometimes neglect their reproductive responsibilities for even more inappropriate partners. That photo is of a German penguin who fell in love with a boot.

And scientists have suggested the penguin same-sex attractions are, yes, just a phase: in the wild, they eventually ditch them for an opposite-sex relationship.

But in any case, in the end, the zoo says that the separation will last only as long as breeding season: once the males have gotten a female pregnant, everyone can go ahead and do whatever they want. We'll find out then exactly how serious these boys were about their forbidden love.

Pugs rule

2011-11-15T10:09:00.007-05:00

That is Wilma the Pug, who, you will not be surprised to learn, won one of the copies of the Animals Behaving Badly book, mostly because she links to this blog on her blog, but also, because I can only fight so many fights against bad animals and there were two other votes in the household from the pug overlords.

There were two copies designated for the people who came up with the best links to the blog, and the second one goes to Asherdan for posting a link in his signature in the most animal-lover politically-incorrect place possible.

And the copy chosen by pug randomizer goes to... (drum roll).... Jaydub!

The pugs thank everyone for playing.

Animals don't appreciate what they've got

2011-11-14T08:09:00.008-05:00

Haven't you always thought it would be amazing if you could fly? I don't mean in a big clunky metal tube powered by fossil fuel. I mean, like a bird - just spread your wings and go whereever you want. No traffic jams, a terrific view, fresh air. We've all dreamed about it, right?

Well, not all birds appreciate how lucky they are. In Sweden, a bunch of pigeons have decided that they'd rather take public transportation:

"They stand calmly at the platform and wait for the subway train to arrive. When it does they get on, travel one stop, jump off and then head for their favourite haunts," Rasmus Sandsten, press spokeperson for underground operator MTR, told The Local.

The pigeons are believed to live somewhere near Farsta Strand, in south Stockholm, and travel daily one stop to nearby shopping centre Farsta Centrum where there are many cafés and plenty of food to be found.

According to Sandsten, the most likely explanation is that one pigeon first got stuck on the metro by accident.

"Then, when it saw where it ended up it thought; 'this was a great idea'. Sooner or later more of them followed suit," Sandsten said.

After foraging in the trash at the shopping center, apparently most return home in a more conventional manner, since pigeons are rarely seen travelling in the opposite direction. Maybe they want to work off the calories, but I suspect they're just not smart enough to figure out how to make the return trip.

Despite the bad reputation pigeons have in some quarters, the transit agency has received no complaints. The birds are wisely keeping a low profile: "They behave well while on board and don't seem to be making much of a mess. They also choose to travel later in the day, cleverly avoiding rush hour."

However, although this story is being picked up as weird news all over the place, it's not a recent development, even in Sweden. The transit spokesman went on to explain that conductors first reported a gang of pigeons using the trains in the 1990s. "And since then the birds have been spotted getting on the subway at stations all over Stockholm," he said.

And in fact, lazy pigeons are a worldwide phenomenon in cities with subways. That photo up there was taken in the New York subway by LarimdaME on Flickr, where you can also find photographic evidence of pigeons on the Boston T, London tube, in the subway in Toronto, waiting for the Paris Metro, BART... And it goes without saying, of course, that none of them pay the fare.

So, as is often true, this bad animal news isn't news at all. It's just another of many cases where these animals are flying under our radar - or if they're too lazy for that, taking the subway under it.

The dark truth behind another charming fable

2011-11-10T08:05:00.001-05:00

It's a recurring theme of this blog that the better the reputation an animal has, the worse the real truth. It's also a recurring theme that scientists and naturalists are among the worst when it comes to making excuses for bad animals.

But it's only fair to say that it's also scientists who often do the work of digging up those dirty truths, and today we've got one of those stories.

The greater honeyguide is a bird that gets its name from its allegedly helpful behavior guiding humans and honey badgers to beehives where they can get honey. No less an authority than science writer Ed Yong of Not Exactly Rocket Science was fooled into repeating this story recently. No fault of his, since as he points out, it appears in a number of respectable sources.

But as he then discovered, it's all lies. For at least two decades ornithologists have been trying to debunk this fable to no avail. A paper published in 1990 points out that over two centuries of research in Africa, "no biologist or naturalist, amateur or professional, has observed a Greater Honeyguide leading a Honey Badger to a beehive."

But the truth is no match for our desire to believe this stuff - especially when someone even faked a video of the legendary behavior using a stuffed bird and a tame badger.

And it turns out that it's not just that the helpful nature of honeyguides a lie. They've also got a murderous secret.

The honeyguide is a brood parasite - that's a bird that lays its eggs in other birds' nests and lets those poor saps do all the work of raising their young while they go off and party. You probably know that a more familiar bird, the cuckoo, does the same thing. But you might not be aware that the baby cuckoo doesn't just settle down and join the family: they push the other babies and eggs out of the nest so they get all the foster parents' efforts for themselves.

The honeyguide has a similar charming attitude towards its foster siblings, but a bloodier way to achieve the same end: it's got a hooked beak to murder them with, which you can see in the photo above. According to the authors of the recent paper that prompted all this honeyguide discussion:

Despite being blind and in total darkness, honeyguides attacked host young with sustained biting, grasping and shaking motions. Attack time of 1–5 min was sufficient to cause host death.

You can see the researcher's actual video of this behavior in Ed Yong's post about the paper. I haven't watched it myself. He says the video is "not pleasant, watch at your own risk." And having lately seen what this man can endure on his new blog Nature Wants to Eat You, if he says that about a video, I think I'll pass.

Mainstream media on the bad animal beat

2011-11-08T07:19:00.000-05:00

This blog is often a lone voice in the cause of outing cute animals as the hooligans and degenerates that they really are. So it's encouraging to see this story from none other than the Associated Press, which reveals the truth behind a well-publicized "aawwww" moment.

The adorable photo above, of a mama bear giving her cub a ride across a lake on her back, was taken by a retiree who was fishing in New Mexico. It was picked up by TV and the news and no doubt was the occasion of much cooing and exclaiming over the amazing maternal instincts of animals.

But New Mexico wildlife officials have revealed that this bear, identified by an ear tag, has "a rap sheet as long as her arm:"

Bear No. 56 grew up in the Sandia Mountains east of Albuquerque, turning to trouble in 2002. That’s the year she was picked up at least four times for raiding trash cans, chicken coops — and sometimes houses — in the small mountain community of Tijeras.

On her fourth recorded encounter with the law, Bear No. 56 was chased up a tree and tranquilized. After that, officers decided to relocate her to the Zuni Mountains, about 100 miles to the west.

One Rick Winslow, identified as the state's large carnivore wildlife biologist, is quoted as saying that this bear has covered an amazing amount of ground, and that what's even more unusual is that she was never euthanized after four and possibly five episodes of being relocated. The state's normal procedure for bears is "three strikes and you're out," and that means permanently out.

He says this like he had nothing to do with it, but isn't the state's large carnivore wildlife biologist exactly the person who should have been in the loop making these decisions? With all the scientists we've seen making excuses for bad animals, we think it's unfortunate that the AP didn't take a closer look at this official and exactly whose side he is on. Rick Winslow, we'll be keeping an eye on you.

You have not learned your lesson

2011-11-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

The pug is practicing to pick the winner of the book giveaway.

Have you entered? If not, why not? OK, it's awfully nice of you if you want to pay money for the book instead. But haven't you learned anything from animals by reading this blog? Why are you not trying to grab stuff when you have a chance!

Or are you such a faithful reader that you think, since you've read every single post in the archives, the book has nothing left to tell you? Well, anyone who's read every single post on this blog should have learned that there are ALWAYS more bad animals. There's a whole chapter about animal substance abuse, and what scientists have discovered about the sex lives and family values of animals... some of it shocks even me.

Post a comment with your contact information, and I'll copy your name onto one of those little pieces of sticky paper in the photo. Or go read the earlier post and participate in the extra challenge, where I get you to help spread the word about bad animals. Tell your friends! You've got till November 14.

We return tomorrow to your regularly scheduled bad animal reporting service.

More than just your bird feeder is at risk

2011-11-03T08:20:00.000-04:00

A couple of squirrels gained some notoriety on both sides of the pond recently.
Last month in St Louis, a squirrel got a huge amount of media coverage for interfering with baseball games - we'll just let a link to the animal's Wikipedia entry stand for all of it, describing its subsequent celebrity in song, on T-shirts and Twitter, etc.

At about the same time, TV viewers in Britain were shocked when they were watching a nice, family-friendly baking contest, and were treated to a clip of some nature footage - which included a a squirrel flasher:

For those who were fortunate enough to miss this offense on the broadcast, it was still hard to avoid, because again the hooligan got all kinds of press.

Squirrels commonly interfere with more important things than entertainment. It was no effort at all to find enough stories of squirrels causing power failures to link every highlighted word in this sentence to a different incident.

And while the magazine cover illustration above may seem extreme, squirrels do attack people. One ran amuck in a town in Vermont earlier this year, and if you read the book, you'll find several cases of them attacking innocent children, sometimes in their own classrooms and playgrounds.

They also cause car accidents when do-gooders swerve to avoid them. In California, the result of one such incident was rather spectacular when the driver hit a fire hydrant instead:

And yet some people even take these animals into their homes. A couple in Cornwall rescued a gray squirrel that had been attacked by a cat and nursed it back to health. They don't seem to realize that this can only end badly, despite the obvious evidence in the animal's addiction to Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes: "If she doesn’t get them she goes berserk and will run around the room jumping on my shoulder until she gets a bowl."

Not all squirrels wait for an invitation into your home, and one man in Sweden found that authorities not only didn't help, they stood in the way of his self-defense. A squirrel repeatedly broke in to his house and trashed the place, but it took two months for local government to decide it would be OK for him to attempt to shoot it - after he also gets permission from the police.

Don't forget that any gray squirrel in Britain is badly behaved almost by definition, since they're an invasive species that's driving the smaller, cuter red squirrel to extinction; grey squirrels now reportedly outnumber the native reds by 70 to one.

But in one part of Britain, they've got the right idea what to do about the invasion of grey squirrels, joining a trend we've seen before: They're eating them.

A company in Cornwall is using them in the filling for Cornish pasties, the traditional local meat pie. The owner points out that squirrel meat is environmentally friendly and, of course, free range: 'At a time when people are looking closely at food miles and ethics, grey squirrel is the ultimate in environmentally sustainable meat.'

But they don't attempt to hide the element of revenge: All profits from the sale of the meat will be donated to the Red Squirrel Survival Trust.

Book giveaway, red in tooth and claw

2011-10-31T08:30:00.001-04:00

Used to be, a book publisher was the kind of animal that carefully nurtured and protected each of its precious young. But the modern media ecosystem has forced the industry to evolve. Now a publisher lays a thousand eggs, dumps them in the pond, and gets on with its life, figuring that at least one will escape predators, find enough food, and successfully live to adulthood.

So authors are pretty much on their own to fight for the lives of their creations. But hey, I've learned about looking out for number one from the best: ANIMALS.

Animals will never give you something for nothing. You want a dolphin to jump? You pay it with a fish. You want a rampaging crocodile to stop chasing you? Let it take the slowest member of your group and you've got a deal.

So sure I'm doing a book giveaway, but only if I get something out of it too. Hey, at least I'm sharing. You think that bear would give you any of that stolen pizza?

I'm giving away three copies. One is really something for nothing: it will go to a commenter randomly chosen by that pug in the photo who is totally unimpressed with that box of books. Because, you know, we are humans here, and we do have a little bit of civilization.

But TWO books will go to people who have helped to spread the word by sharing a link to this blog somewhere on the Internet telling thousands of strangers about it.

The winners of those two copies will be chosen by me in whatever capricious manner I deem appropriate, inspired by the cruelty and unfairness of the natural world. It might be the post that gets me the most traffic. It might be the post with the funniest added comment. It might be a post by one of my relatives who is also passing on some of my genes to posterity. I'll do whatever feels good at the time, just like an animal would.

Want to play? You've got till November 14th. Go forth and tell the world about bad animals and put the link in a comment here to prove it. Or if you're too shy for that, just leave a comment, and hope for the best, because we're human, and sometimes we are nice to the weakest member of the pack.

(Either way, make sure you include a way for me to contact you, an email address or a link to someplace where a lazy animal can find one without too much trouble.)

Oh and hey: While you're posting those comments, listen to me talking about the book on the radio program The Animal House.

Bovine bad behavior rewarded by endorsement deal

2011-10-27T07:12:00.000-04:00

We saw last time that there's a virtual epidemic of bears breaking into businesses in the United States. On the other side of the pond, a similar trend is emerging, but the problem isn't bears: it's bovines.

In the most recent case, a bull charged into a bar in Ireland, sending patrons fleeing in panic as the animal kicked over bar stools, attacked the pool table, butted holes in the wall and peed on the floor.

Knowledgable observers pointed to an earlier case where a bull got into an Irish supermarket in 2009, so this trend may have been some time in the making.

But as is often the case, what we really need to worry about is our fellow humans and their tendency to enable bad animals.

Elsewhere in Europe, an Austrian shopping center was invaded by a cow called Laura. She chewed up two bras and a T-shirt in the Intersport sporting goods store before guards, improvising with the merchandise, tied her to a dumbell with a jump rope.

The farmer who owns the cow was required to pay for damaged goods, but now, the cow has actually been rewarded for her hooliganism: she's got a TV deal. The store is going to feature her in their advertising, apparently believing that the Austrian people will take shopping advice from a bovine criminal. Explained a spokesman, "Laura had the right idea, for anyone preparing for winter Intersport is the right place to be. We have all your winter needs - skis, helmets and warm winter clothing."

Bears will stop at nothing

2011-10-24T07:50:00.001-04:00

This blog has been following the misdeeds of bears since at least 2009 when a bear mugged a New Jersey man in his driveway for his Italian sandwich. We've seen bears breaking into cars, a bear in a hot tub, and one stealing from a back porch freezer, to name a few.

But recently the trend has been ominous: Bears have been boldly strolling right into our homes and businesses. Earlier this month, we saw bears that broke into a pizza place and robbed a home of a birthday cake. And then, if you are a fan of the blog's Facebook page, you saw video of a bear climbing around in the vegetable department in a grocery store. (And if you're not a fan of the blog on Facebook, why not?)

Now, the bear invasion may be threatening one of our most precious national traditions. Hide your Halloween supplies or you may be next: a bear broke into a candy shop in Tennessee. When two employees arrived for work in the morning, they found a scene of devastation:

Candy, wrappers and packaging were strewn throughout the back storeroom. Rock candy was broken in tiny pieces all over the floor and nuts were scattered everywhere. Pecan logs — $15.95 a pound — had been chewed on and hunks were missing out of $3 caramel apples. A whole container of white-chocolate-covered pretzels was demolished, including the plastic packaging they were housed in.

The storeroom's cement floor was still wet and covered in paw prints, from the bear's walk through the morning showers.

Upon further inspection, after rounding one of the candy-making counters, the women noticed a hole in glass of the front door. The bear had also relieved itself in front of the shop's glass display cases.

The pair assumed the bear was gone, but ran out to the safety of their cars to phone their supervisor anyway. Good thinking, because when he arrived, he came face to face with the bear in a storeroom. Fortunately no one was injured, but $500 worth of sweets were lost, and the front door of the shop will need to be replaced.

Don't think you're safe because you're not in the Tennesee mountains. Bears are heading for places where people aren't used to them, like the suburbs of Atlanta - so far those bears have been satisfied with trash and bird feeders, but how long do you think that will last?

And you can't even expect the authorities to be on your side. They'll advise you not to leave food where bears can get at it, and then, like in Albuquerque, they go and take in a skinny bear, feed it up, and release it.

That bear knew what side his bread was buttered on. When Fish and Game officials brought him up into the mountains and opened the door to freedom, one said, "He wasn’t eager to go... he didn’t want to come out of the trap for some reason."

"For some reason." Yeah, now he'll have to break into houses on his own, instead of being served. But they've made sure he'll do a good job of it: "He is now a nearly 200 pound bear," said a staff member at the wildlife rehab center where the bear had been a guest. "And a very feisty bear, aggressive bear. He should do well."

Not all our fault

2011-10-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

Animal lovers feel guilty for the terrible things humans are doing to the planet that are driving other species to the brink of extinction. And while this blog is not necessarily in favor of paving wildlife habitat, spewing pollutants into the atmosphere, dumping trash into the ocean, spilling chemicals in waterways... still, it's only fair to note that some animals really aren't helping.

We've noted this before in the case of pandas, which are so bad at reproducing that keepers have been forced to show them porn and dress up in panda suits in their efforts to keep the species going.

But not all animals are so passive about their slide into nonexistence. Tigers seem to be taking a more active role. Last month at a zoo in Texas, a female Malayan tiger killed her mate. The Malayan tiger is critically endangered, with only an estimated 500 left in the wild, and these two individuals had been brought together at the zoo especially for breeding purposes.

But for at least one of these animals, perpetuating the species apparently took a back seat to relationship problems. Zoo officials were quoted after the attack saying "we never saw this coming." But in fact it came, as Reuters put it, after "months of simmering jealousy in a feline love triangle."

The zoo had two female tigers, who were kept apart because they didn't get along - but took turns keeping company with the male. It seems that this system worked no better than it would with most human relationships, with one staff member quoted as saying "The girls are jealous of each other." Yet apparently it was assumed that neither of the ladies would place any blame on the male for enjoying the other female's company. This vision of tiger open-relationship harmony was proven a delusion when finally, one of them just couldn't take it anymore.

And this wasn't the only recent example of a rare tiger reducing the population of its species by one. At a conservation reserve in South Africa, a male South China tiger broke into the enclosure of a younger male, who killed the intruder. The South China species may be extinct in the wild, and there are only a few dozen in captivity. The reserve is run by a group called Save China's Tigers which is breeding the animals and trying to train them to survive in the wild for reintroduction to their native habitat.

Way to help them save you, tigers. I think I'll be donating my conservation dollars to some nice frogs instead.

Tigers "play fighting," yeah maybe, by Flickr user Martin Heigan.

This is how deer thank you

2011-10-17T08:27:00.000-04:00

Are you still dubious about the risk posed by deer, even after reading last week's post about head-butting, doorbell-ringing, home-invading Bambis? Maybe you thought the man with the deer in his workshop was being overly dramatic when he said "I was just defending myself. It was either me or the deer."

Well, perhaps exactly when I was writing that post on Sunday evening, a man in Canada was killed by his own herd of "tame" deer.

The man went out to feed the deer and when he didn't return home, his wife called police, who found him dead among "signs of a struggle so violent" that the body was missing a boot and a sock.

While it's important to note that any large hoofed animal can do considerable damage at any time of year, a police spokesman described the particulars of the situation the victim had faced in graphic detail:

"Adult male deer this time of year have significant antlers and in the wild they are very adept at using them to fend off predators —coyotes, foxes, rabid dogs, what have you."

He said the bucks use their racks to pin their adversary to the ground, then put all their weight on them.

"All their weight is on their neck and they'll grind. Those antlers are sharp and they'll poke skin and muscle tissue very easily."

And apparently the fact that you're bringing them food - and have been feeding them all their lives - doesn't eliminate the risk. So don't let down your guard around those those big brown eyes.

Another deer warning sign, thanks to Flickr user s.yume, this time from Nara, Japan where they let these animals roam freely in the streets. So add that to your list of places not to visit in Japan along with the monkey park in Oita from last time. Maybe you should stick to Tokyo - wait, except for the crow attacks...

Putting ideas in their heads

2011-10-13T08:39:00.003-04:00

If you've been paying attention, you'll know that this blog isn't just about animals that behave badly. It's often about humans who enable their bad behavior. And it doesn't get any worse than this story out of Japan.

What you see in the photo above is a movie screening held at Mt. Takasaki Natural Park in Kanzaki, Oita. (I'm being specific about this so you know exactly where it isn't safe to go if you visit this otherwise lovely, if cute-animal-obsessed, country.) For this event, a special condensed 13-minute version of the film was prepared, no doubt to account for the monkeys' short attention spans. The monkeys were served with special-occasion treats of grapes and bananas, and about 200 people and 400 macaques attended.

These efforts seem merely absurd until you find out exactly what these macaques were watching: It was the new Planet of the Apes movie. You know -- the prequel to the series, the one that shows how the monkeys take over the Earth.

You may poo-poo the notion that this movie will put ideas in these monkeys' heads. Macaques can't learn anything from movies, right? Not so fast. It's been shown, for example, that macaques can learn which are the high-status, dominant monkeys by watching films of them.

And don't forget that these filmgoers aren't just any monkeys. These are are the same macaques that have been known to terrorize and attack innocent civilians, hiding behind their reputation as the adorable "snow monkeys" that take Japanese hot-spring baths and play with snowballs.

You'd think Japan had had enough problems lately, why are they asking for trouble? Or could it be that they're so tired, they're ready to give up and let the monkeys take charge?

Thanks for the tip and translation from the Asahi Shimbun to the Kyoto bureau of Animals Behaving Badly.

Justifiable Bambicide

2011-10-10T08:52:00.009-04:00

Sometimes I feel ambivalent about covering animals such as the bears in the last post. Surely nearly everyone knows to be afraid of bears, and there's much higher profile media putting its weight behind bear awareness. But so many are unaware that animals with a cute and cuddly reputation are just as likely to commit violent acts - and they're coming after us.

Take deer. Sure, they take a toll on our gardens, but they're so lovely and graceful and who can resist those cute spotted babies with the big Bambi eyes? Surely the only danger we have to worry about is hitting them with our cars, right?

Well, to start, deer are a threat even when your car isn't moving. In Massachusetts, one walked up to a vehicle and head-butted a man through the open window. “I saw cartilage or what I thought was cartilage -- a bone and blood just gushing all over my face,” he said, and ended up in the hospital for seven stitches and treatment of a broken nose.

But never mind cars: deers are walking right up to people's homes. An Ontario woman is being harassed by deer who ring her doorbell. Modifications to the doorbell button have not thwarted them, and when one morning these hooligans awakened her so early that she came to the door with her cane and cursed at them, the offending doe merely responded by snorting and scratching the ground threateningly.

Her nephew cautioned against confronting them - “Don't you know they could put a hoof right through you?" A wise warning, because not all deer who come to your house are merely pranksters, as a man in Ithaca, New York, learned.

Deer are a common sight on Tom Hartshorn's property, but he was clearly unaware of the risk they present: they'd often slept on his porch, and when his son was five, he was allowed to rub noses with a fawn.

So when he stepped outside and startled a buck that crashed through a window into his workshop, Hartshorn was unprepared for what followed.

"I went in thinking it would be like shooing a rabbit away," he said. "But the next thing I know, I am in the battle of my life."

Hartshorn entered and attempted to steer the eighty pound animal towards the door with a shovel, but it went after him. After a struggle managed to whack the deer on the head, and the blow was apparently fatal.

Frighteningly, this sort of incident is not as rare as you might think. A local expert says that he's called a couple of times a year about deer in buildings on the Cornell campus. He advises that you treat this situation like any other dangerous intruder: Call the police.

Hartshorn will no doubt take that advice next time. He never meant to commit Bambicide, he said, but he had no choice: "I was just defending myself. It was either me or the deer."

Your pets are not safe either - thanks for the warning to Flickr user CGP Grey.

CSI: BEARS is not enough to protect us

2011-10-06T08:14:00.001-04:00

Followers of bad animal news might have taken comfort in the fact that a grizzly in Yellowstone National park recently received the death sentence after DNA evidence linked it to the deaths of two hikers in separate attacks.

But less widely reported stories from across North America suggest that this is no time to become complacent about bears - even if you stay safely away from the wilderness. These animals are coming after us where we live:

-In Florida, the hunt is on for a bear that has been breaking into houses and stealing food. In one recent incident the bear got away with a birthday cake, prompting officials to set up a trap baited with cupcakes. So far, the bruin has not been tempted, perhaps because it's reading the news reports that helpfully warn of plans to euthanize the bear if it's captured.

-In Pennsylvania, Richard Moyer was letting his dog in late at night when a black bear rushed through the door and jumped him. As the two struggled on the living room floor, Moyer's wife tried to break it up, and the bear turned on her and dragged her outside. Eventually their combined counterattacks convinced the bear to retreat. "I know what it's like to be a salmon now," a bandaged-up Moyer joked - but also noted that one scratch had come within an inch of an artery: "If it had hit that, I wouldn't be here to tell the story."

-And in British Columbia, it wasn't a home that was invaded, but an institution almost as dear: a pizza parlor. Staff saw the bear checking out an outside garbage can but were afraid to get near enough to close the door, so it strolled right in and dove into a pie. Employees - as well as twenty spectators taking photos and video - watched as the bear ate four pizzas, reportedly including vegetarian, cheeseburger, and beef with blue cheese. While bears can't post online restaurant reviews, it apparently thought highly of the meal: it tried to come back twice the same night.

Biting the hand that rescues you

2011-10-03T08:21:00.000-04:00

Perhaps appropriately for the week that THE BOOK is coming out (tomorrow!), there's so much bad animal news, it's hard to decide what to cover in detail. Just a few examples:

-The Ig Nobel prize that was awarded last week to research showing that a certain type of Australian beetle is happy to have sex with discarded beer bottles instead of female beetles - but only the brown bottles with little bumps on them.

-The coyotes that took over an abandoned house in Southern California.

-The news that escaped pets may be teaching wild parrots to talk, which, although derided by some skeptics, could have frightening implications if true.

But all of these take a back seat to what is clearly most significant recent news for the purposes of this blog. It's an update on one of those heartwarming animal stories that went viral - but that turns out to have a dark side.

By now everyone has heard the tale of Willow, the cat found in Manhattan that turned out to have disappeared five years ago from a home in Colorado. Willow's history was discovered when she was picked up on the street and brought to an animal shelter, where they scanned a microchip that revealed her true identity.

The story was covered in major media outlets across the country, with much wonderment over how a cat could have made the trip of many thousands of miles. There was rather less coverage of the prosaic explanation, that someone on a ski vacation had found the lost cat, assumed she was a stray, and flew her back to his Brooklyn home.

The family was reunited with Willow last week, when they flew to New York to pick up the prodigal pussy and, of course, make the rounds of media outlets. All very charming, till one news conference when Willow decided to make her real feelings known, as reported by the New York Post:

Spotlight-weary Willow the cat bit her 3-year-old owner yesterday as cameras rolled on their happy if painful reunion.

Little Lauren “Lola’’ Squires had barely finished cooing about how she couldn’t wait to get long-lost Willow home to Colorado -- gushing, “I’ll feed her, play with her, take good care of her” -- when the frustrated feline snipped at her hand.

Willow's owners downplayed the bite, saying that the cat was just "stressed out" by all the attention. They're sure she'll fit in when she gets home, where she will meet a strange dog they acquired after she left along with the strange child. Why so confident? They explained, “she’s very dominant . . . we used to say she acted more like a dog.”

We suspect we haven't heard the end of this story.

Another adorable aquatic menace

2011-09-29T08:27:00.001-04:00

What is it about being an aquatic mammal that messes with people's minds? Dolphins are not the only one of these sleek wet creatures whose reputation is far more positive than the reality. When you think of seals and sea lions, you no doubt think of cute circus tricks or those adorable fuzzy white babies - the ones that people all over the world banded to together to save from cruel slaughter for their fur.

This positive attitude is encouraged by gushing articles like this one, where a nature photographer thinks it's just perfectly adorable when a seal chews on her diving flippers and tries to eat a camera.

That article compares the seal to a playful puppy. Sure, the kind of cute puppy who drags helpless five-year-old children into the water, and kills scientists who've dedicated their lives to studying marine biology.

The private lives of these animals is also far from adorable. Like dolphins, they make a regular practice of sexual assault and infanticide. In one highly endangered seal species, one of the main threats to their survival is that the males have the habit of ganging up on females in breeding season so violently that they kill them. Not the best strategy if you're trying to perpetuate the species, guys.

And a couple of recent stories show that their more of their bad behavior is heading our way. In Prince Edward Island, Canada, Chris MacLeod and Mary MacDonald took their dogs to swim at the same beach they always do, but this time it led to tragedy:

On Aug. 27 one of their dogs, Dipstick, swam into the water. MacLeod said seals surrounded his dog, and stopped her from coming back to shore. MacDonald made an effort to swim out and clear a path for the dog, but failed.

"The seals were actually meeting Mary, and not letting her, more or less, go any farther and Mary was kind of scared," said MacLeod.

Unable to rescue their pet, the couple could do nothing but watch as the seals mobbed the dog for two hours till it drowned. And adding the usual insult to this painful injury, a naturalist consulted by the news media just made excuses, rationalizing that "seals are curious creatures and that might explain their behavior" and insisting that they "almost never" attack humans or dogs.

And it seems you're not even safe from these creatures anymore if you avoid the shore. In Victoria, Australia, a man looked out his window to see something shocking peering back:

A sea lion swam on to Dendy Beach in Brighton, made its way up the sand and beach stairs, waddled along the Esplanade, then crossed the road into the garden of Esplanade resident John Battersby.

Note that while Australia has a wide range of exotic wildlife, this is not a common occurrence. The neighbor who spotted the animal crossing the road at first thought it was a bear, which was apparently only a slightly less ridiculous theory than the truth. This is a part of the country where sea lions are spotted at most once or twice a year, and never - till now - on someone's front porch.

So if you live on the coast, watch your back. If they gang up with the dolphins, we're really in trouble.

PS: You'd know all that stuff about seals if you read the book. Also, that hard-won law that made it illegal to club baby seals to death? It only applies until they are twelve days old and start losing the white fur. I'm sure they think we've done them a HUGE favor.

Porcipcide most foul

2011-09-26T07:33:00.002-04:00

Dolphins, again. Yes, I'd love to stop beating this aquatic dead horse and spend more time covering the bad behavior of other animals. But the battle against the absurdly positive reputation of these psychopaths of the sea continues to make little or no progress. So I would be remiss in not covering a recent story in the San Francisco Chronicle about the increasing number of dolphin attacks on harbor porpoises off the coast of northern California.

These smaller marine mammals pose no threat to dolphins and reportedly don't even compete for the same food sources. But as we've already noted, they are often beaten to death by dolphins, possibly gangs of sexually frustrated young males.

Dolphins didn't used to venture as far north as San Francisco. But in the last few years they've started to move in, so the neighborhood has gone rapidly downhill for the porpoise: there have been over 50 deaths since 2005, and of course, those are only the ones we know about, where the bodies have washed up on shore. Even the scientists are calling it "porpicide."

Here are the particularly heinous details of the attack on one recent victim:

It had two badly broken jawbones, fractured ribs on both sides and a broken scapula, evidence of a sadistic attack. Worst of all, the female porpoise, which had been seen twice before and identified by researchers in Monterey Bay, was lactating when she was killed, according to marine biologists.

And yet, while somewhere out there a motherless baby starves to death, what do we see but the release of yet another ridiculously positive and heartwarming dolphin movie.

Where are the porpoise-proponent protestors picketing this piece of propaganda? Where are the international organizations exposing the slaughter? If it's not OK for us to do this kind of thing, why do dolphins get a free pass?

Peruse more pictures of porpicide in progress at The SF Chronicle. And ponder: if you don't pass this post around, are you part of the problem?

Vacation Linkarama

2011-09-22T08:09:00.005-04:00

While I'm trying to relax at the beach despite having read the last story linked to below, enjoy some high quality bad animal reporting and analysis from elsewhere on the web:

A brave fellow at Gizmodo presents the evidence: Why we should just let the damn pandas go extinct, already

At the Guardian: That pet cat who turned up after five years - heartwarming tale or feline conspiracy?

A world traveller keeps track of the number of birds (and one bat) that have crapped on her

And before you laugh at that: Scientists implicate seagulls in the worldwide spread of antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

And now I'm off to the beach - no, on second thought, the nice bird-free outlet mall.

Our continuing coverage of Animals vs Infrastructure

2011-09-19T07:41:00.003-04:00

Animals continue to attack the technological underpinnings of our society, and some of the perps are creatures that we never think of as a danger. In the latest case, traffic descended into chaos in the town of Darlington in northern England when traffic lights at a major intersection went dark. Investigation revealed that a slug had crawled into the control box and short-circuited the electronics.

Green and pleasant England frequently has trouble with slugs and snails that goes beyond a nibble on the herbs and lettuce in the garden. A couple of years ago, a particularly wet summer found these slimy invertebrates interfering with the mail, climbing into mailboxes and eating the contents. It's the glue that appeals to them, according to a Royal Mail spokesman: "They are particularly keen on stamps and air mail letters. Something in the dye attracts their taste buds."

And animals interfering with electricity is common all over the world. They often cause power failures, as we've seen here (raccoon, eagle) and here (snakes) and there was a recent case in South Carolina where the culprit was a squirrel (and hey, there are quite a few in the book, too),

They can also keep you from learning about their misdeeds on this blog by cutting off your internet access, such as the crows in Tokyo that slash open fiberoptic cable for nesting material. And when crews investigated an outage in rural Idaho, “They said that bears had been rubbing against the towers,” said one victim.

Sometimes these attacks on our technology are suicide missions. Moist invertebrates and electricity are a dangerous combinations, and the slug in the traffic box incident was described as "fried." You can see a picture of the result when an individual computer user was attacked in the same way, looking a bit more like "melted," here.

But we humans seem not to recognize our own vulnerability. A local official in Darlington commented:

Unfortunately, it was dead by the time we found it, so we were unable to question it. Sadly, you just can't legislate for a rogue slug trying to take out Darlington's traffic system.

Very funny. But if he read this blog, he might not be laughing. This isn't the first time we've reported on a British kamikaze slug taking out a traffic light. And in that case, someone died in a resulting accident.

I suspect these slugs aren't giving their lives for nothing. We'll continue to keep our eye on this slimy situation.

Photo of attacking slug by Flickr user ecstaticist.

What happens when animals party too hard in the Internet age

2011-09-15T07:54:00.000-04:00

Maybe you worry about who will see those party photos on your friends' Facebook pages. Well, ours isn't the only species who may wake up to find our drunken embarrassment plastered all over the Internet:

When Per Johansson of Särö, south of Gothenburg, returned home from work on Tuesday it was dark outside and the rain was coming down hard. Suddenly Johansson heard a bellowing noise from the garden next door.

“I thought at first that someone was having a laugh. Then I went over to take a look and spotted an elk stuck in an apple tree with only one leg left on the ground,” Johansson told The Local.

Johansson took pity on the animal and called for help. He and his neighbors tried to saw the branches to make it more comfortable, but it finally required the efforts of the fire brigade to get it out of the tree. Then, rather than running away like a respectable wild creature would, it lay on the ground:

According to Johansson, it looked very much like the elk was severely drunk after eating too many fermenting apples.

Drunken elk are common in Sweden during the autumn season when there are plenty of apples lying around on the ground and hanging from branches in Swedish gardens.

While the greedy animal was reaching ever higher to reach the delicious but intoxicating fruit, it most likely stumbled into the tree, getting itself hopelessly entangled in the branches.

And from what Johansson could gather, this particular animal had been on a day-long bender.

“My neighbour recognised it as the animal that almost ran into her car earlier in the day. She was pretty sure the elk was already under the influence,“ said Johansson.

The hungover elk finally dragged itself away the next morning and is no doubt trying to hide out as photos and reports of its predicament have gone all over the world.

Of course, readers of this blog know that there is nothing unique about this case. We've seen drunk birds, fruit flies, a deer, baboons, a badger, bees, and elephants. (In fact, there is a whole chapter about drunken and other substance-abusing animals in the book. Have you ordered your copy yet?)

But let's also not forget that the last time we reported on a drunk elk in Sweden, it was no laughing matter. In 2009, a man was jailed for ten days for the murder of his wife and only released when cleared by forensic evidence: hair and saliva found on the dead woman's clothes belonged to an elk. The motive was unclear, but police cited the aggressive tendencies of elk drunk on fermented apples.

Mr. Johansson may have meant to do a good deed, but I hope he is watching his back.

Don't say I didn't warn you

2011-09-12T07:00:00.003-04:00

In 2009, a bear broke into a car in Colorado. Alerted by the car alarm and assuming a theft was in progress, the owners called the cops. When deputies arrived, they helpfully opened the car doors so the bear could escape.

In 2010, also in Colorado, officers didn't arrive till the bear had gotten a little further - this time it had driven the car out of the owner's driveway. These officers made sure to take photos to post on the Internet before, yes, opening the car doors so the bear could escape.

Now, it's happened again, in Lake Tahoe. Another bear managed to drive a car a short way, and this time, it got away on its own.

While the police in this recent case weren't active accomplices in the bear's escape - probably only because they didn't get the chance - they clearly took the incident just as lightly. A spokesman for the police department reportedly laughed when he said "Normally, you'll get reports of the Dumpster divers and trash divers, but bears breaking into cars is different."

And the owner of the car reportedly "had no clue why a bear would want to get inside his car," because there was no food inside.

People: Bears are teaching themselves to drive and you're not paying attention. When the bear army arrives, and you're surprised that they're in vehicles, don't say you weren't warned.

If only Patches was right that simple mauling was all we had to worry about.

Another great American heroine

2011-09-08T08:02:00.001-04:00

They warn you not to get between a mama bear and its offspring. But someone needs to tell bears that they better not get between a human woman and her beloved dog.

Last year we met a woman in Montana who saved her dog from a bear by hitting it with a zucchini. Now, an Alaskan woman is getting attention far and wide for rescuing her dog from a bear with her bare hands.

Brooke Collins let her dogs out as usual one evening, but then heard her dachshund Fudge barking, making “the most horrible sound in the world.”

And then, she told the Juneau Empire, she saw a bear crouched down, holding Fudge in his paws, biting his neck: “That bear was carrying her like a salmon.”

Collins didn't even have a vegetable to use for defense, but that didn't stop her: She ran up to the bear and punched it in the snout. It dropped the dachshund and she grabbed him and ran.

“It was all so fast. All I could think about was my dog was going to die,” she said. “It was a stupid thing but I couldn’t help it.”

Stupid or not - well, yes, stupid. But still, this woman's brave bare-handed stand against bad animals has grabbed the world's attention: she's been contacted by radio stations and newspapers around the world for interviews.

Collins says that her unexpected fame is a bit overwhelming and she kind of wishes it would go away. Well, she needn't worry - it will soon enough, her viral celebrity eclipsed by yet more photos of cute baby animals and heartwarming tales of unlikely interspecies friendships. But for a moment, for a change, the spotlight is on a story of a bad animal getting what it deserves - let's enjoy it while we can.

They've got her!

2011-09-05T07:56:00.002-04:00

Cows have been up to all kinds of shennanigans lately, but the star of the season has been Yvonne. She escaped from a farm in Bavaria in May and spent the summer roaming the countryside, making fools out of the humans who couldn't catch her despite the latest high-tech search equipment. The situation caused conflict between groups with wildly varying approaches, from cops who wanted to shoot her to animal rights activists who thought she'd come running to them at a glimpse of one of her darling offspring.

But Germans can finally rest easy: Yvonne has been captured.

She didn't go down without a fight, of course. It took two tranquilizer shots - twice the normal dose - and even after that, rescuers struggled to get her into a transport truck. "She acted very aggressively," said a veterinarian. "She has the qualities of a Spanish Toro."

It seems like a happy ending for everyone. The farmer who spotted her got a €10,000 ($14,500) reward from a German tabloid, and Yvonne will live our her days at an animal sanctuary owned by a group that purchased her while she was on the lam, along with her sister and one of her calves.

And these cow-hugging activists - the ones who thought that appealing to her maternal nature would be enough to entice Yvonne to give up her freedom - happily say "The whole family is waiting for her."

I guess it's nice that some people have apparently had such an idyllic experience of family life. But does it really not occur to anyone that maybe that was exactly what Yvonne was trying to get away from?

See the rest of the photos of Yvonne's capture at Spiegel Online.

Even dolphins are entitled to a defense

2011-09-01T08:25:00.007-04:00

Today has been declared Save Japan Dolphins Day by people who want to stop dolphins from being fished for food in Japan. They encourage you to join them in protests at Japanese embassies around the world.

The last thing dolphins needs is more publicity. But this blog, as an almost-lone voice against dolphin worship, can't let the event pass without comment.

Defenders of dolphins are usually people with romantic notions about animals. They think that animals are better than we are, that we're the only species that commits acts of senseless violence. They're definitely not readers of this blog, where we have repeatedly documented the facts:

-Male dolphins form aggressive gangs to chase down female for sex.

-They sexually harrass females of another species as well - our own.

-They kill babies - the young of harbor porpoises as well as their own,
and recent studies suggest this is done by sexually frustrated young males.

-They kill adult harbor porpoises as well.

Yet people are so unable to believe that these animals are ill-intentioned that their ignorance may put them in danger. People continued swimming out to play with a dolphin called Moko in New Zealand even after many had to be rescued from his aggression by lifeguards, and when he died he was given a funeral by those who continued to defend him.

Now, none of this is meant to defend the slaughter of these animals. I'm just saying that the main reason to stop it is this: we shouldn't lower ourselves to their level.

Dolphins may be no better than we are, but we live in a civilized society, where even murderers are entitled to a defense lawyer. So protest all you want, but remember, when you watch celebrity endorsements of the claim that dolphins save lives - we never hear from the people the dolphins push AWAY from shore.

Dolphin taking a smoke break - you know they would if they could - by Natalie Dee.

Marsupial with a fetish

2011-08-29T07:32:00.001-04:00

Due to post-hurricane limited-internet-access crisis, I present this story from Digital Spy in its entirety without comment:

A kangaroo named Benji reportedly angered several neighbours in Prague after he was caught 'stealing' their underwear.

The 2-year-old marsupial is said to have escaped his owner before hopping over several gardens. He was only caught after a neighbor spotted him jumping away with his loot of lingerie.

Benji's owner had already reported him missing to police, but a spokesperson revealed that separate calls of stolen clothing were not linked at first.

"We had a call from Benji's owner saying his pet kangaroo had escaped," the spokesman said. "At the same time we started getting reports of a number of thefts from washing lines.

"We didn't think they could possibly be related until he was caught red-handed."

Benji's owner Petr Hlabovic, 35, said: "I'm very relieved to have him back. I've got no idea what he thought he was up to - he certainly didn't pick up the habit from me."

Photo of the culprit reluctantly being taken into custody from Metro.

Masked bandits join forces

2011-08-25T07:47:00.000-04:00

In Sweden, they're bracing for an invasion of masked criminals - and it's going to be worse than they were anticipating.

Raccoon dogs have spread from their native lands in East Asia into Europe, and although they're rather adorable, the result isn't pretty.

The raccoon dog (Nyctereuctes procyonoides) is not related to raccoons, but is a canine distantly related to domestic dogs. It's named in English for its resemblance to the familiar North American masked animal.

They're particularly prominent in the folklore of Japan, where they are called tanuki. Just looking at their role in traditional tales, one might be unnerved about the prospect of having them immigrate.

They have a reputation as tricksters, but this sometimes goes farther than practical jokes. They can change shape, and can disguise leaves as money to get sake and food from unsuspecting humans. They are known for making bizarre use of their scrotum, which they can enlarge into a huge sheet to use in various ways, such as as a blanket or a boat. They disturb the peace in the evenings by drumming loudly on their belly and balls. But in one region they're also famous for recurring wars, and there is at least one traditional tale where they kill an old woman.

Fairy tales, sure - but the reality is turning out to be even more destructive. In Finland, they're reportedly wiping out wetlands birds and frogs - and they manage to do so despite the fact that 100,000 are shot per year.

They've established themselves in Denmark as well, and now neighboring Sweden is next. The waters separating the two countries are not enough to deter the tanuki, which are good swimmers. It's feared that they're bringing rabies and tapeworm along with their prodigious appetites.

But, you might say, they could be relieved that at least they're not raccoons, right? We don't need folklore to know that raccoons commit violent assaults on humans and dogs, invade homes, and even take advantage of bad economic times to take over property.

Ah, but not so fast. When Sweden installed cameras along the border to monitor for the presence of raccoon dogs, they found large numbers of raccoons as well.

Raccoons are not native to Europe, so where did this invasive species come from? Many are descended from four raccoons set free in Germany in the 1930s by Herman Göring.

So: shapeshifting canines and Nazi raccoons. Sweden, we wish you luck.

Traditional well-endowed tanuki statue by Flickr user anjuli ayer.

Crazy cow season

2011-08-22T07:32:00.003-04:00

-In England, a cow took up the valuable time of human rescuers by getting itself into the ridiculous situation pictured above. The Scottish SPCA, which received the call, assumed it was a hoax, but went out to check anyway, said an officer:

"But I arrived at the field to find the cow looking confused but surprisingly calm despite having his head wedged tightly in between the rungs of the ladder."

-Elsewhere in England, a more serious incident: A driver was lucky to escape injury when a cow jumped a three foot fence and landed on the hood of his car. He skidded 80 yards and ended up on the wrong side of the road before managing to stop, but fortunately suffered only cuts and bruises.

The accident was so unusual that officials made sure to rule out another theory, the driver explained:

"The police were very nice about everything, although I don't think they could quite believe it either. They breath-tested me which came back negative."

The cow died at the scene, but the victim wisely doesn't assume that this is the end of it:

"I am now looking out for low-flying cows when I am driving."

-And finally, an update: Yvonne, the famous cow on the lam in Germany, is still eluding capture, despite the efforts of activists with scooters, sniffer dogs, tranq guns, and a helicopter equipped with a thermal imaging camera. But they're not giving up, said one member:

"We have found cowpats, very fresh ones. And we will follow the trail."

Midsummer serpent roundup

2011-08-18T08:40:00.000-04:00

Some snake stories we've missed over the past few months:

-From Australia, a cat behaving badly because of a snake obsession: Loti has cost her owners almost $2000 because of her habit of catching venomous snakes. She almost died after being bitten two years ago, but as of February, she hadn't given up the habit, presenting her owners with another brown snake and another hundred dollar vet bill.

-Also in Australia, a canoe club was in danger of a ceiling collapse because of six scrub pythons up in the roof having an orgy. Two were caught, but four were continuing their activities in a low corner where they can't be reached, including a seven meter long female who eluded capture for the same offense a couple of years ago.

-And in England, another sad example of what can happen when people think that animals appreciate what we do for them.

Luke Yeomans founded a research and conservation center for king cobras in India, and kept a breeding colony of 24 at his home in England. But despite his alleged expertise, as you can see from the photo above, apparently he thought it was a good idea to kiss a cobra on the back of its head. And he was quoted as saying:

“These king cobras know I provide them with food and fresh water so they’re not going to go out of their way to do harm to me when I do no harm to them whatsoever."

Um, right. He was planning to open his cobra sanctuary to the public in July - but a few days before the scheduled debut, he died after one of the snakes bit him.

Losing the monkey wars in India

2011-08-15T08:24:00.001-04:00

From the beginning this blog has been on top of the worldwide macaque problem. These monkeys make trouble everyplace in the world where they live close to humans - we've read about them in Singapore and Japan, but most of all in India, where the problem is compounded by the fact that they are considered sacred, limiting efforts to control them.

The problems with encouraging these monkeys should be obvious to everyone. As a recent report describes it:

More than 90 per cent carry tuberculosis, they swarm central government offices, prowl the landings, and bite through essential internet cables. Many attack people carrying food and even residents relaxing on their verandahs. Delhi's former deputy mayor was killed when he was attacked by a macaque on his apartment balcony and fell to his death.

How do people react to this unarguably bad behavior? Many continue to feed these creatures as a way to honor the god Hanuman. And as we were reminded recently, even when they're invading a hospital, the only culturally acceptable way they've come up with to control this population of well-nourished hooligans is to to rely on the help of other monkeys.

This approach is working about as well as readers of this blog should expect. Langur monkeys led around on a leash are supposed to frighten away the marauding macaques, but for one thing - and are we surprised? - these primates sometimes turn on humans themselves.

And now, it appears that the technique is losing effectiveness - the macaques are losing their fear of the langurs. Even more worrying, they've realized that they have an advantage over a team of one langur and one human:

Anuradha Sawney, a member of the Animal Welfare Board of India and owner of a monkey sanctuary just outside New Delhi, said the macaque's increasing boldness was down to its growing numbers in Delhi and its capacity to adapt to changing circumstances.

"If there are a lot of macaques the group will be strong and they will not be afraid to fight," she said.

But that's not the worst of it. Also, says one voice from the trenches of the monkey wars, they're starting to think ahead:

Diljan Ali, a langur handler, complained that the government hires monkey men to confront the macaques but refuses to compensate them when their animals are defeated. "(The macaques) are very smart. They know when they have the advantage. They attack in numbers and when they do it's pre-planned."

We'll keep an eye on this developing story... let's hope the world primate uprising stays in the movies where it belongs.

In that photo from The Telegraph, note the monkey sitting on top of the cage. They're not that easy to fool.

Bears don't wait for an invitation

2011-08-11T07:57:00.003-04:00

A bit belated, but it's important to draw attention to this story from back in June of a presumptuous bear. A woman in Seminole County, Florida, had seen black bears in her yard before, but none had taken advanatge like this:

He headed toward her pool and pressed his nose against the screen. Then he just walked through the screen "like it was made of butter."

First he put his mouth in her spa, then a paw and finally he just jumped in.

"I think he was hot and thirsty," Rhoades said. "It looked like he knew what he was doing.

"He had been in a pool or spa before, there's no doubt in my mind," she said.

She went outside and banged on a table and he got out of the spa and left through the hole he had made in the screen.

She wasted no time scaring the bear away because she didn't want him to get used to using her spa and she didn't want him to leave "a package" behind.

I would especially draw your attention to this line:

"He had been in a pool or spa before, there's no doubt in my mind."

Once animals get a taste of these luxuries, there's no turning back. Fortify those backyard enclosures, Floridians, or look forward to a world where we are nothing but the pool boys for bears.

To impress this more throughly on your mind, see more of her photos here.

Don't count your cows before they are captured

2011-08-08T08:33:00.001-04:00

It's been a summer of vastly different fates for animals on the run. Elephants that ran away from the circus went peacefully with police who nabbed them before they could catch a bus out of town. The majority of monkeys have eluded the authorities, with the minority being captured without harm.

But not all have gotten off so easily. An emu that was on the loose for two weeks in Maryland was shot by state troopers:

"We did it because residents had expressed concerns about their safety and the safety of their children... There also had been complaints that the emu was getting on roads, blocking traffic and causing hazards."

The same fate befell an escaped macaque in Tennessee who attacked a woman while she was washing her car:

"I had no idea he was even there. Then I could feel his teeth in the calf of my leg, and I really didn't know at that point what it was, I just knew I had to get it off me."

The monkey also injured a responding officer, at which point another shot and killed it.

For one animal in Germany, it could still go either way. Yvonne the cow escaped from a farm in Bavaria in May. She's been on the lam ever since, and become a sort of celebrity - but like with many reality stars, people are divided strongly for and against.

The police, who've failed to catch Yvonne all these months, have decided to authorize officers to shoot her. Apparently the last straw was when she jumped out in front of a police car, startling the officers and then despite being so close, getting away. (Authorities claim that such behavior proves she's a danger to traffic, but one has to wonder whether embarrassment is also a factor.)

On the other side, an animal sanctuary has actually purchased the cow, and is searching for her with all-terrain vehicles and infrared camera.

These people are such bunny-huggers that they would prefer not to use even tranquilizer darts - and instead, actually think it might work to appeal to sentiment. They've also purchased a former stall-mate of Yvonne's as well as that cow's calf and hope this will lure her in."After all, she has had a calf herself," says a representative with a bad case of maudlin anthropomorphism.

Yvonne might want to be aware of yet another recent escaped animal story as she considers her options: Back in July, a rhea escaped from an estate in Suffolk, England. The RSPCA was called in to expertly and humanely recapture it - after which the bird died while recovering from the tranquiliser.

So, even those well-meaning bunnyhuggers might end up not doing you any favors, Yvonne: maybe it would be best to give yourself up.

Self-Defense against Bad Animals

2011-08-04T07:57:00.001-04:00

A few recent stories with some important information on how to - or how not to - defend yourself against animal attack:

-If you don't want to be attacked by lions, note the following:

A recent study conducted in Tanzania, where over a thousand people were attacked by lions between 1988 and 2009 (two/thirds of whom were eaten), found that these attacks are most common in the days after a full moon. In addition, the most dangerous time of day is between 6pm and 10pm, and the most dangerous time of year is between November and May.

Read more details at Not Exactly Rocket Science, or else just stay the heck indoors.

-If you want to defend yourself against bears, don't believe what you read in the paper:

A recent attack by a grizzly on a group of teens in Alaska was reported by reputable news outlets under headlines like "Teen Survives Bear Attack by Kicking." Um, not so much. Read a useful analysis of the media misconceptions at the Alaska Dispatch, and also this piece on how a gun won't help you either. Or just stay indoors.

-If you want to defend yourself against wild pigs, don't bother trying to shoot them:

Rural New York state is fighting a losing battle against wild boars. Suspected of escaping from game farms, they've established wild populations, and have been reported chasing people, attacking livestock and killing at least one dog.

Wild pigs can be devastating to the environment (check out the story we linked to in February from Smithsonian Magazine about the havoc being wrought by feral pigs in Texas). They're also a danger to people, a fact well known in Germany, as we've mentioned before (and which we go report in more detail in the book coming out in the fall. Hey, did you see that pre-order link over there on the right?).

The most frightening part of the news out of New York state, though, is the difficulty of defending ourselves against these super-swine:

We've shot them right square in the head and the bullet will glance off and they'll get up and go. Their skulls are so thick in the front, if you don't happen to hit it at a perfect 90 degrees, with the way their heads have that kind of curved shape, the bullet will glance right off.

Yeah... just stay indoors.

You're never too old to stand up to bad animals

2011-08-01T07:38:00.000-04:00

Phyllis Johnson had not only lived peaceably with kangaroos for all of her 94 years, she'd even occasionally done them a favor.

"I used to feed them next door, give them some bread," the Australian woman told the Courier-Mail, "and they've always been so gentle."

But when a male red kangaroo came looking for trouble when she was hanging out the laundry in her backyard, neither her age nor her history of consideration toward his species meant anything to him.

"It was taller than me and it just ploughed through the clothes on the washing line straight for me," she said.

The animal knocked her over and kicked her, but the young hooligan had picked the wrong old lady to mess with. She fought back.

"I happened to have a broom nearby and I just started swinging at it. I bashed it on the head but it kept going for me, not even the dog would help, it was too frightened."

Johnson succeeded in crawling away and escaping into her home, where she waited while the animal continued to rage outside. Her son arrived, and, unable to drive the beast away with a stick, called police.

The roo was unimpressed by their authority and went for the two officers as well. Thinking quickly, one of them tried an unconventional counterattack: he sprayed the creature with his pepper spray.

Using pepper spray on wildlife isn't a standard part of police training, even in Australia where it seems like nearly all the animals can kill you and they probably need all the help they can get. But the unconventional approach was effective - in the sense that the beast's attack was diverted towards the other officer. Fortunately, he was armed with the spray as well.

Wildlife officers finally captured the attacker, who was reportedly being examined by a vet before a decision was made about his fate. We can only hope, after reading of this animal's merciless victimization of the elderly, that psychological exams are included.

Although it has to be said that Johnson hardly sounds helpless and frail. Despite being bruised and bleeding, she had to be persuaded to go to the hospital.

"My son made me," she said. "I'm okay, although the roo took a chunk of flesh out of my leg and there's a chance they'll have to operate."

Photo of sign that has got the problem exactly backwards by Flickr user The Rohit.

Check your stereotypes at the kennel door

2011-07-28T08:09:00.003-04:00

No doubt you've already seen the video that's gone viral that shows 15-pound Paco the chihuahua chasing two armed robbers out of a shop in Los Angeles.

This news has elicited the usual surprise and astonishment from people who don't read this blog, and so are unaware of the real nature of cute small dogs. As I have reported before, one study found that the dog breeds mostly likely to show aggression towards people are dachshunds, Jack Russell terriers, and yes, chihuahuas.

And unfortunately, not all chihuahuas use their powers for good. Elsewhere in California, a neighborhood had its mail delivery suspended because of a chihuahua that was frightening the mailman.

By the way, one report revealed that the same home owned another dog who had taken no part in interfering with the postal service. And the breed of that other, well-behaved canine? Pit bull.

(Oh, and that apparently unrelated photo? That's Vegas the German shepherd, who flunked out of police dog training in England because she wouldn't bite and is afraid of children.)

Bad Bird Roundup

2011-07-25T08:14:00.000-04:00

-Vacation dangers: In the seaside town of Bridlington, England, seagulls that hang out at fish and chip shops aren't just waiting for partrons to drop a chip on the sidewalk anymore. They're actually attacking and stealing their food. One shop fears being driven out of business due to the cost of replacing the meals of complaning customers.

-Memorable final performance: At the Taronga Zoo in Australia, an eagle at a free-flight performance took a detour and landed on an toddler in the audience, leaving a gash on the boy's head. Understandly unhappy with this bit of improvisation, the zoo has retired the eagle from show business.

-Useless public servants: Some more birds are bad at their jobs in Germany as well, where a program to train vultures to replace dogs for sniffing out dead bodies has been declared a "disaster." Critics of the scheme had earlier pointed out the possibility that the evidence would disappear down the birds' gullets, but it turned out there was no risk of that: The three vultures failed to find any of the test cadavers. One refused to fly at all, waddling like a duck instead, and the other two did nothing but fight. A trainer admitted:

'They don't seem to be able to do anything other than attack each other.... It seems they are rather cowardly birds - they would rather hide in the woods than be out and about in the open.'

Photo of ambitiously-named failed vulture detective Miss Marple from Der Spiegel.

Elephants make half-hearted bid for freedom

2011-07-21T08:13:00.008-04:00

I'm having one of those months where it seems like it might be a good idea to run away and join the circus. Some elephants in Germany had the opposite idea, though, when they strolled away from their enclosure at a travelling circus and tried to catch a bus. According to Reuters:

Dunia, a 40-year-old Indian elephant, and her counterpart Daela, a 25-year-old African elephant, were apprehended by police near the western city of Hanover over the weekend nonchalantly munching on tree leaves and looking for all the world as if they were waiting for the bus.

A police spokesman downplayed the seriousness of the situation:

"The two elephants were quite cooperative and peaceful. Everyone was amused."

He sounds unaware of what a close call he had, given how frequently elephants commit violence against humans, both in the wild and in captivity. (Check out Elephant News, where they collect these stories.)

But fortunately, these elephants did not resist the authorities - and their much-vaunted intelligence failed them as far as their escape plan. It must have seemed easy - the bus stop was only a couple hundred feet away from their circus enclosure. But aside from the consideration of whether they'd have actually fit on the bus, the pachyderms made a couple of serious miscalculations. Not only was the police station practically right next door, but also, the bus stop was out of service for the summer.

So they were both badly-behaved and not that bright - or maybe they just didn't try that hard. Why give up the adoration of the crowds - and guaranteed meals and a place to sleep - for the uncertainties of life on the lam? So if you're still in that same dead-end job instead of chasing your dreams, maybe you shouldn't throw stones, huh?

Elephants leading the glamourous life from Circus No Spin Zone.

Summer of Monkey Madness

2011-07-18T07:16:00.000-04:00

The last month or so has been prime season for primates running amok. In early June, a pet monkey in Ohio unclipped itself from its leash and ran wild for a couple of hours, attacking and scratching two children before being recaptured. Just a few days later, a rhesus macaque was found to be missing from the Yerkes primate research center in Georgia, and at last report, neighbors are still cowering in their homes in fear of encountering it.

Later in the month, a repeat offender was found to be still on the run: the near-legendary Tampa Bay monkey was caught on video, proving a local's claim that the monkey is still out there and regularly visits his yard.

Monkey trouble has not been confined to North America. Also in June, Cambodian officials finally had to draw the line at a temple where the hooliganish behavior of a couple of hundred monkeys is usually tolerated. After a series of visitors were bitten, the worst of the "gangster" monkeys are being tranquilized and rounded up - this is after attempts to trap them using eggs laced with sleeping pills failed to fool the canny primates.

The most disturbing story of the pack, though, comes from India. In New Delhi, monkeys have learned how to work the new automatic doors at a hospital, and can now stroll in at will. If you think a monkey would be a nice diversion at visiting hours, think again:

They have terrorised patients, stealing food, playing with medical equipment, and attacking staff.

Worse, due to local cultural sensitivities, measures to deal with the problem are severely restricted:

Killing or trapping the monkeys was not an option, due to their association with the Hindu deity Hanuman... Authorities have taken steps to scare off the monkeys. They have hired two larger monkeys to chase them away.

That's right: their only recourse is to rely on other monkeys. Wish them luck.

Cartoon look inside the primate mind from Bizarro Comics thanks to Genius Chimp.

Ominous trends in bad animal behavior

2011-07-14T08:21:00.000-04:00

-Last week we learned of some unexpected animals interfering with air travel when turtles blocked a runway at Kennedy airport in New York. At least those animals were in their native country.

Imagine the surprise of having your flight delayed in Manchester, England by a pink flamingo. It took five hours to capture the culprit, and the most disturbing aspect of this case is that the origin of the bird is a mystery: all the local wildlife sanctuaries denied having lost a flamingo.

-Remember the scientists who discovered that crows can remember the faces of individual people that have done unpleasant things to them? Maybe you reassured yourself that crows aren't that common in your neighborhood.

Well, other scientists now report that the same is true of pigeons tested in a city park in Paris. The pigeons in this study learned to stay away from people who had chased them. But can we be sure that staying away will be their only strategy?

-Recently this blog reported on some British cows who had learned to let themselves out of their barn. At least they stayed on the property. In Wales, a herd escaped into a residential neighborhood and reportedly trampled gardens, ate flowers, and, most disturbingly, peered into people's windows.

You can see from the photo above that this was not the sort of rural lane where people expect to share their space with livestock. As one resident said, "We are used to having pints of milk delivered to our doorstep but not the whole cow."

Read it for the sake of the children

2011-07-11T07:25:00.003-04:00

The newspaper of our nation's capitol, the Washington Post, has a lot to answer for. They never pass up an opportunity to give cute animals more good publicity, in the particular form of the pandas at the National Zoo. They waste valuable space on these inert fluffy bamboo-eaters even when there is no news at all. It boggles the mind that in a city crowded with the powerful and with world-changing events, the headline "Panda pregnancy? No one knows" passes muster.

So it's with particular pleasure that I direct you to a hard-hitting piece of investigative journalism in the pages of the Post this past weekend. This is not only a case of exposing bad animal behavior, but of tearing down one of those dangerous illusions propagated by children's literature.

If you remember the book Misty of Chincoteague with nostalgia, if like many you've dreamed of someday visiting the wild ponies of Assateague Island, you'll want to read this article, which begins:

ASSATEAGUE ISLAND NATIONAL SEASHORE, Md. — They scarf potato chips and whole bags of marshmallows late in the night, leaving behind trashed campsites and ruined tents. They break into stranger’s coolers and make off with watermelons. They carelessly turn on water spigots and leave them running.

Rangers are dealing with a problem that has all the hallmarks of a classic beach-week bender, but the culprits aren’t rowdy teens. They’re Assateague Island’s famous wild horses.

Apparently the ponies have been pestering visitors for years, requiring a volunteer patrol to shoo them off the roads. But lately the situation has crossed the line. One stallion even had to be removed from the park after injuring a visitor.

Of course, foolish humans who don't read this blog are a big part of the problem. New signs have been posted - “Horses, Bite, Kick & Charge/KEEP AT LEAST 10 FEET AWAY” - and a fine of one hundred dollars instituted for violators. But many visitors don't get it - park officials have seen parents putting their children on the back of a pony for a snapshot.

Humans don't bear all the blame, though. These creatures are so bold that you could easily find yourself within ten feet of a pony through no fault of your own - and end up like the woman in the photo above who was knocked to the ground despite attempting to make a quick retreat. And these icons of children's literature have started stooping to the lowest of tricks:

The horses beg. They pester. They even run a hustle that wouldn’t be out of place on a D.C. street corner.

“I didn’t believe it until I saw it,” Kicklighter said. “Two horses put their youngest, cutest pony in front of a car, and then the older horses went around to the windows to panhandle for food.”

Baboon on the Loose

2011-07-07T08:40:00.001-04:00

I apologize profusely to my readers in New Jersey that I missed this story when you needed to be warned about it: A baboon was on the loose in southern New Jersey for a few days last week.

Officials downplayed the risk to citizens, one being quoted as saying that baboons are 'typically not aggressive toward people.'

Obviously that's yet another uninformed source who doesn't read this blog and has missed the ongoing saga of south African baboons that break into houses and cars to threaten humans and steal whatever they want, including at least one who went far enough to warrant the death penalty.

Fortunately, some who encountered the animal were more sensible about the danger, including one eyewitness who said: "I saw the red hiney and I knew it was a baboon - instant panic!"

And the fugitive was eventually captured on a horse farm, whose employees did their civic duty, but without any risky heroics. They called the cops, and as one said, "I just took a bale of hay and kept it between the baboon and me," keeping himself safe till someone arrived with a tranquilizer gun.

It's assumed that the animal came from a group at the nearby Six Flags theme park. But he was too young to have been microchipped to verify his identity. And the park is adding security, but say they can't figure out how the animal escaped. So perhaps the locals better continue to watch their backs.

Another installment of Animals vs Infrastructure

2011-07-04T08:50:00.000-04:00

I'm not a conspiracy theorist. But I'm disturbed by the new ways animals are coming up with to interfere with the technological underpinnings of human society. Climbing animals like raccoons causing power failures is nothing new, but in mid-June in Montana, an eagle caused an electrical outage by dropping a dead fawn on a power line. And other animals are going right to the source, like the jellyfish that caused a nuclear power plant to be shut down in Scotland by clogging up the pipes drawing water into the facility.

Similarly, it's well known that birds can be a danger to airplanes by getting sucked into engines and striking aircraft. Since they basically share the same habitat, this isn't surprising. But you probably had no idea that if you've got a flight at Kennedy airport in New York right about now, you might be delayed because of turtles.

Last week it happened again as it does every year, when diamondback terrapins migrate to their breeding grounds, and don't care that the direct route goes right over a runway.The airport had no choice but to close the runway. "Running over turtles is not healthy for them nor is it good for our tires," said one spokesperson.

Rather than fighting this yearly incursion, airport officials seems resigned to their fate. Workers from the Port Authority and the U.S. Department of Agriculture gathered up the turtles and gave them free transportation to their destination in order to speed the migration along. And everyone seems to have a light-hearted attitude about the situation. JetBlue, one of the affected carriers, said in a statement, "We hope for faster animals next time."

Very funny. But if turtles can interfere with airplanes, is anything safe?

Bad dogs on the farm

2011-06-30T08:13:00.001-04:00

Dog people who own other breeds can get rather fed up with border collies. We don't care that they're best at herding sheep, because really, who wants to herd a bunch of stupid sheep? But these dogs refuse to stop there. They also dominate dog sports like agility to such an unfair extent that in some places, clubs have had to put them in their own class or no one else would get to compete.

Even more annoyingly, they are sometimes cited as the most intelligent breed. In some cases, this is based in part on a willingness to do whatever someone else tells them, which may not be a standard for smarts that everyone agrees on. But there's also a border collie who holds the record for understanding the most English words, responding correctly to the names of over a thousand toys. And yet no one seems to observe that this must also be the record for the most spoiled dog ever, with that number of toys.

And still not satisfied with those accomplishments, these overachievers are compelled to go for even stupid awards like the Guinness record for fastest car window opening by a dog.

So we couldn't be more pleased to note these two stories:

- A Border collie in Somerset, England, can't do his job because he's afraid of sheep. His owner says that Ci "instinctively wants to work the sheep, but is too scared."

"If they run away from him, he will go after them and act like a proper sheepdog, but the moment they turn and face him he runs away.

"Sheep can be quite aggressive if they think they have the upper hand – they stamp their feet and gang up in numbers and act like an army.

"The only way to make it work is for me to get behind them first and shoo them so they run away and then Ci joins in. It just means a lot more work for us to do," she added.

-And at the same time, The Telegraph reports on a sheep-herding dog who puts Ci the border collie to shame: Nancy the chihuahua. Check out the link to see video of the two-and-a-half pound rescue pup showing those sheep who's boss.

Border collie with no modesty about his accomplishments by Flickr user WoofBC.

Bad animals down on the farm

2011-06-27T07:19:00.003-04:00

Adding to last week's sheep on a roof, it's an epidemic of farm animal misbehavior:

-In England, a lamb interferes with the economy by lying down on the tracks of a steam train that's been successful at attracting tourists to the area. The conductors interrupted their journey with an emergency stop to rescue the "tired and dishevelled looking animal."

-Male pigs are proven by science to be, well, pigs: They're more attracted to sows who've got artificial breast implants.

-Rodents don't only pick on someone their own size down under: In South Australia a plague of mice were trying to eat a farmer's pigs alive. He's resorted to coating the swine in engine oil to make them taste bad.

-Finally, in Ireland, a farmer kept locking his cows inside each night only to find them wandering the next morning. Assuming cattle thieves were responsible, he set up a video camera, only to discover that the cows themselves were to blame: One, called Daisy, had figured out how to unlatch the gate. Watch the video proof:

Photo of the cow co-conspirators on the run from Sky News.

Recurring bad animal briefs

2011-06-23T09:00:00.000-04:00

Animals continue to prove that nothing reported on this blog is an isolated incident:

- In our last post we saw crows attacking a police station in Washington State; is it really more than coincidence that bald eagles are doing the same at a post office in Alaska? Because eagles are a protected species, Reuters reports:

There is not much that residents can do about overly bold bald eagles other than to post warning signs, take steps to avoid the fierce birds and wear hats.

- Despite that report on the high cost to British taxpayers of rescuing animals that have gotten themselves into ridiculous positions, a Welsh fire brigade responded to a call to get a sheep down off a roof. A "spokesman," presumably not one of the people who actually had to risk life and limb, downplayed the seriousness of the situation:

"It was certainly an interesting call-out, it's not where you'd expect to find a sheep, really quite funny. It brightened up our weekend, that's for sure."

- And finally, for those of you who are still tempted to rationalize all this bad animal behavior, from another story on Dusty the cat burglar of San Mateo:

"We always try to find meaning in what animals do. But maybe he just does this because it's fun."

Animals vs Law Enforcement: on the attack

2011-06-20T08:17:00.001-04:00

Everett, Washington sounds like a nice small city, not the kind of place where the police are constantly confronted by abuse and harrassment from the citizenry. The human citizenry, anyway. But now they've got another species to worry about, as reported by the Everett Herald:

A few days ago, the crows decided they didn't like the cops. They started swooping down on them and dive-bombing them as the officers walked from their cars into the station.

Everett police Lt. Bob Johns recently was flanked by them and "got zinged," he said.

"They're like velociraptors," he said.

The crows don't care much for rank, either -- they've gone for top brass and detectives in particular, police Sgt. Robert Goetz said.

A wildlife expert's advice was to use umbrellas for protection. This may seem like a rather lame defense, but there's a risk to retaliating against these intelligent birds, as they've already demonstrated:

At least one officer has tried using his siren to scare the crows away: They responded by decorating his car with droppings.

And in fact, when you go after crows, you're at risk of very personal revenge. A study published last year showed that crows can recognize and remember the faces of individual humans who've threatened them - and they don't keep it to themselves.

To test specific recognition of faces rather than gait, clothing or other characteristics, researchers wore a realistic mask when trapping and banding crows, an experience that the birds - to put it mildly - don't care for. Then, volunteers visited the trapping sites, some wearing that mask and some wearing other control masks the birds had not seen before. The crows' reactions clearly distinguised the different faces.

“The birds were really raucous, screaming persistently,” said one volunteer who wore the trapper's mask, “and it was clear they weren’t upset about something in general. They were upset with me.”

The crows had long memories - three years later they still remembered and reacted strongly to their enemy. And they taught their neighbors and even their children about him: crows too young to have been born at the time of the trapping knew who the bad guy was.

"Crows hold a grudge, and they are big gossips," says professor David Craig. "They spread the information around. If you're bad to one crow, many more may hear about it."

Photo of helpful warning by the inappropriately named Flickr user pleasantcrow.

Beware of beavers

2011-06-16T08:30:00.006-04:00

Readers of this blog know that none of us are safe from animals. But some incidents surprise even the experts. In a case called "truly bizarre," three people are being treated for rabies after being bitten in a Philadelphia park - by a beaver.

"Our furbearer biologist, when he heard about this, he was just literally blown away," said one official. (We assume that this is the biologist that studies other furbearing mammals, not that he is fur-bearing himself.)

You probably know to be cautious of wild raccoons, which are the most commonly reported rabid animal in the state, followed by skunks, cats, bats and foxes. But especially if you are a city-dweller, you've probably never given a thought to being afraid of beavers. And with fairly good reason - till now:

"Beavers have never been known to transmit rabies to anything, including other beavers," a game department spokesman told LiveScience. "It's unusual that it was beavers, it was unusual that there were two incidences so closely together and it was truly bizarre it was in Philadelphia."

These two incidents follow on another case in the suburbs in April where someone was bitten in the leg by a rabid beaver. And we can't reassure ourselves that maybe it was the same animal - that one was killed in the incident. So there's not just one.

Officials have recommended that people "avoid the Pennypack Creek waterfront area between Bustleton Avenue and Roosevelt Boulevard in northeast Philadelphia." Seems a bit specific to me. Philadelphia has plenty of nice museums and other indoor attractions to take advantage of. Why take chances?

Statue of five foot tall extinct beaver photographed by Flickr user Travis S. I guess we can be thankful at least they're not that big anymore.

Dog finally put in her place

2011-06-13T08:06:00.003-04:00

More and more, animals are getting swelled heads about their place in the world. We've seen them getting influential jobs and political appointments and even one that caused a scandal by receiving communion at a church in Canada.

Today we note the passing of one of these animals: a maltese named Trouble. When millionaire Leona Helmsley died in 2007, she left $12 million for the purpose of keeping this dog in the luxury she was accustomed to.

A judge later reduced the amount to two million, but it was still plenty to allow Trouble to retire in style at one of Helmsley's Florida hotels. The dog's caretaker conceded that he could get by on $100,000 a year: $8,000 for grooming, $1,200 for food and the rest for his fee and a full-time bodyguard, made necessary because Trouble allegedly was the target of death and kidnapping threats.

Trouble was apparently treated better than Helmsley's human family. According to the New York Daily News:

Trouble accompanied Helmsley via private jet to her homes in Arizona and Florida, her 21-room Connecticut mansion Dunnellen Hall, and Helmsley's duplex penthouse with swimming pool at the Park Lane Hotel on Central Park South.

Helmsley, who cut two grandchildren out of her will and evicted her son's widow after his death, was often seen cuddling the canine, which was always impeccably dressed.

But even a dog who outlives her owner and out-inherits the human relatives must eventually meet the fate that awaits us all: It was belatedly reported last week that Trouble died in December.

And Trouble is being kept in her place, finally, at the end. Helmsley wanted the dog buried with her. But a spokesman for the cemetery where she was laid to rest has the last word: "You cannot bury pets in a cemetery."

Another little ex-dog by Flickr user mymoustache.

Animals don't need violent video games

2011-06-09T08:20:00.000-04:00

Some people still cling to the illusion that animals are less violent than humans, that they only kill because they need to eat.

It's hard to use this excuse for the snow leopard in Pakistan who recently killed 68 goats in a single night, far more than it could consume. Not only is this animal wasteful at best, it clearly doesn't know which side its goat is buttered on, because now the slaughter is causing disputes between the farmers that own the goats and conservationists. That is, conservationists who want to protect the snow leopard. Way to help the people who are trying to save your furry butt, huh?

There are also plenty of animals that kill other animals that they don't eat even a little bit of. We've seen before that dolphins, hiding behind their inexplicably charming reputations, kill both the young of harbor porpoises, and baby dolphins as well. A recent study suggests that the culprits are young males taking out their sexual frustration. Even the researcher, presumably well acquainted with the truth about dolphins, was appalled by their behavior:

In one particularly violent attack, three dolphins corralled their victim before seven others joined them to ram the porpoise to death. Cotter found most shocking the fact that two dolphins remained behind to play with the carcass before pushing it towards his boat. "It was almost like they said: 'We're done playing with it, here you go'."

But we can be thankful that there are at least a few children who won't grow up with illusions about the peaceful nature of our fellow creatures, thanks to one lion at a zoo in England:

Kids see a lion eat cuddly zoo animal

The cute binturong - also called a bearcat - was one of a pair to climb a tree before dropping into the big cat den at Chessington World of Adventure.

Jason Harcombe, visiting with his two-year-old son Oscar, said: "The poor animal didn't stand a chance. The lions jumped on it straight away and killed it.

"The lioness brought the body up to the glass and then she and her mate just ripped it apart in front of us."

Now there's an animal who is really trying to help me do my job here on this blog.

Lion caught in the act in photo from the Daily Mail.

Animals and law enforcement, the continuing saga

2011-06-06T08:18:00.000-04:00

Last week we saw a major police response to a stuffed tiger in England, and perhaps you thought this was a unique event. Hardly, as any animal control officer will tell you. They are constantly called to respond to "emergencies" involving snakes that turn out to be garden hoses, dying animals that are really plastic bags, and, like the fuzzy feline in the English case, animals that turn out to be stuffed, plastic, or statues.

In fact, this past week it happened again,this time in the US. A resident of a Kansas City suburb called police to report a sighting of an alligator. Lacking a helicopter with heat-sensing equipment, this time responding officers actually shot the critter twice before realizing something was up.

You may think this is all good for a laugh, but don't forget it's your tax dollars at work. And in fact, in Great Britain, one watchdog organization has totalled up the cost of responses to such calls - most of which turn out to involve real animals - and the figure is sobering: 3.5 million pounds in the last three years for rescues involving 2,400 cats, 2,180 dogs, 1,700 horses, 2,090 birds (including 1,244 seagulls, 159 pigeons, 57 swans and 12 parrots), 26 foxes, 19 squirrels, seven ferrets, seven badgers, ten hamsters, 15 snakes, 11 fish and seven dolphins. One fire brigade in Wales even rescued a snail whose plight was distressing an elderly lady.

You may think seagulls and snails should be left to fend for themselves, but because your foolish fellow citizens don't, safety personnel have no choice but to devote their resources to these rescues, as one official explained:

"If we don't rescue that animal somebody else will or will try to. I've seen people have their arms trapped in drains trying to rescue ducklings and we've actually had to dig the road up to get the person out."

No kind of animal is safe

2011-06-02T09:07:00.002-04:00

As a reader of this blog, you presumably know better than to let your children have pets. But you probably think there's no harm in letting them indulge in a few furry stuffed toys.

You'd be wrong. Not only do stuffed animals encourage the unrealistically positive view of animals that we strive to stamp out here. But they can cause major problems of their own, as police in Hampshire, England discovered last week, when a citizen called to report a white tiger loose in a local field.

Officials responded in force, appropriately for such a dangerous animal, with a police helicopter and trained staff from the local Marwell Zoo, and evacuated a nearby golf course. The animal was fairly immobile, but that did not initially raise their suspicions. And you can't blame them, given how lazy most cats are, especially in the middle of the day. In fact we've noted before that tigers sleep nearly sixteen hours per day.

But then the helicopter's thermal imaging equipment detected no body heat and the animal didn't react to being buffeted by the winds generated by the helicopter. Finally, the downdraft caused the creature to roll over, revealing that it was a large stuffed toy.

Watch live footage of the culprit and a video interview with the chief inspector of the local police at The Telegraph. He seems like the kind of level headed guy you could trust to respond to a real animal emergency, and now he's had a practice drill. If I was a real tiger, I'd take my troublemaking elsewhere.

Three Bad-Animal Weekend

2011-05-30T08:01:00.004-04:00

For the holiday, a few quick headlines, posted in-between Blogger outages:

Mutant turtles terrorize London ponds

California family finds mountain lion in garage

Nazi scientists tried to create an army of talking dogs

Also, it's a good time to make sure you didn't miss the classic post about squirrels behaving badly on Memorial Day.

Photo of poster publicizing fearsome Maryland relative of those London terrapins by Flickr user clearly ambiguous.

Crowdsourcing the war on bad animals

2011-05-26T08:39:00.005-04:00

Last week we saw that some researchers are bravely documenting bad animal behavior. This week they're doing it again, but this time, it's not just for science. They're hoping to do something to stop it, and enlisting average people to help.

The news comes out of Australia, where animals from other places have a history of laying waste to the ecosystem - including cane toads, rabbits,and in this case, camels.

Feral camels in the Australian outback are multiplying out of control, ravaging the native wildlife and disturbing human communities as well. They can be particularly destructive in their search for water, an expert told Discovery News: "When water is short, they go for running water. They will take pipes and air conditioning units off of walls, and smash up toilet systems."

Efforts to control the camels require information about where they are, so officials have started a website where sightings can be reported.

So if there's anyone out there in the outback reading this blog: You don't have to let bad animals get away with it. Do your part: If you see something, say something.

Is that camel by Tambako the Jaguar laughing at us? Don't let her get away with it.

World Turtle Day is Not Safe for Work

2011-05-23T07:50:00.001-04:00

Last week, I knew that World Turtle Day was on the way, but I wasn't sure if there was a way to mark the occasion on this blog. There just isn't that much news about turtles and tortoises behaving badly.

Then on Friday I want to my volunteer gig at the zoo and was asked to clean the Aldabra tortoise exhibit, and I thought, how could I have forgotten? Not only is this a disgusting job, it was accompanied by a disgusting spectacle, with a disgusting soundtrack of loud moans and groans. In fact at one point both of the huge males attempted to mate with the smaller female at the same time.

Unfortunately I didn't have a camera with me, but you can always count on the internet for pictures of sex, right? So enjoy - if that's the word - these pictures of tortoises behaving badly by Flickr users derpunk, schristia, and David Berkowitz.

And if that's not enough, did you doubt that there'd also be video? Particularly unsafe for work with the sound on. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Hey, we're not the only ones!

2011-05-19T08:33:00.005-04:00

For some reasons humans cherish the illusion that animals are better than we are. Some still believe that humans are uniquely violent, that animals only kill their own kind when they need to. Well, sure, if when they "need to" is when babies are inconvenient, when they want territory... you get the picture.

Now we may be joined in yet another "unique" human offense by our close relatives. Scientists have discovered that in Uganda, chimpanzees may be hunting red colobus monkeys to extinction.

One less thing for us to feel uniquely guilty about! Although, the monkeys may have a chance: The population has been declining for at least three decades, but lately for some unknown reason, the chimps have been hunting less, so the youngsters aren't learning how to do it as well.

Will the colobus be saved because these kids today are are lazy and shiftless? Only time will tell.

Watch out, that chimp by Flickr user Tambako the Jaguar has teeth and knows how to use them.

Not safe in our own homes

2011-05-16T08:20:00.000-04:00

A home invasion committed by a feral cat resulted in an attack so bad that Texas resident Charles Gibson needed to be airlifted to a hospital:

It was around 1 p.m. when investigators said Gibson came home and found a 20-pound tabby standing in the middle of his living room staring back at him. Scared, police said, the man grabbed a knife to try to protect himself.

But seconds later, the feral cat attacked him in the bathroom, authorities said.

Gibson admitted he stabbed the cat multiple times, but could not remember anything else.

When medics arrived, he was bleeding profusely and was rushed to the hospital.

If you've got a strong stomach you can watch a news video with a quick view of one of his stitched-up injuries here. At the time of that report, Gibson was home, but it's not over - doctors said he would need additional surgery.

According to the video, the cat got in because the front door was left open. Think you live in a neighborhood that's safe enough to leave your doors unlocked? Maybe you should reconsider.

Photo by Flickr user sonjalovas. I don't know what I think about that company's logo - I wouldn't be so sure that cat's on my side.

Not above the law

2011-05-12T08:38:00.006-04:00

Last week we saw a small dog with the force of the law behind her bad behavior. This week we're encouraged to see movement in the opposite direction.

Celebrities often act like the rules are made for someone else. But the city council in Brighton, UK is standing up to a bad animal despite his fame.

Bodhi, the skateboarding terrier, is all over the internet. You can follow him via his owner Jonathan Fell's Twitter account, Flickr photos like the one above, and You Tube videos. He's appeared on the website People Pets, in Skateboarding magazine... and he's also been in the newspapers, where not everyone is so enthusiastic.

Back in February, Fell was warned that he and his dog risked being fined and issued an ASBO, which for you non-Brits, is an Anti-Social Behavior Ordinance.

What's the problem with this charming activity? In many communities, of course, skateboarding itself is seen as anti-social behavior, with kids endangering innocent pedestrians and public infrastructure by doing dangerous stunts on property that's not designed to stand up to the abuse.

But for a dog, there's an additional issue: The leash laws.

Fell poo-pooed the complaints: "As far as I am concerned if Bodhi is under control he is not causing a problem. He is always under control. If I call him he comes to me and sits," and told The Telegraph that if he was the first to get an ASBO for a skateboarding dog, "I would be proud of that. I would hang it on the wall. He is not doing anything wrong, it is a joke, Bodhi is no criminal."

But authorities disagree. This week, after two women complained about tripping over the skateboard, Fell was fined eighty pounds for having Bodhi off-leash.

He has two weeks to pay up, otherwise he may have to appear before the authorities and pay a penalty of a thousand pounds.

A spokesperson for the city council, obviously sensitive to the implication that they are spoilsports, said "We know Bodhi's antics are an amusing sight and the dog and spectators appear to enjoy it. But when people start getting hurt and we receive complaints we have a legal duty to act."

The spokesperson also pointed out that enforcing the leash laws was not the same as prohibiting skateboarding: Bodhi is free to legally continue skating in the local parks.

There's a time and a place for everything. Such reasonable restrictions, however, are often ignored by human skateboarders. Will the dog set a good example? We will continue to follow this story.

A word from our sponsor

2011-05-08T20:10:00.001-04:00

Taking a break from regular blogging to say: Buy my new book!

Although the wombat prominently featured in this mystery does not try to kill anyone and the sloths do not dive into sewers, just a bit of the jacket copy should convince you that it is appropriately mentioned on this blog:

Everyone comes to the zoo to see the charming yearly ritual of elephants playfully stomping pumpkins at Halloween. Small mammal keeper Hannah usually thinks it's not fair--why do the big animals get all the attention? But this year the fun turns deadly: Victor, lover of charismatic zoo director Allison, is found dead in the elephant yard--where he'd been left with a pumpkin carved to fit his head.

You can read a sample chapter here.

And in other shopping news:

This bad animal t-shirt is on sale for only ten dollars for a limited time over at Toothpaste for Dinner. If you've got any money left after ordering my book, go for it!

Dog fought the law... and the dog won

2011-05-05T07:58:00.000-04:00

In a legal setback in the battle against bad small dogs, a Mississippi appeals court recently overturned a decision awarding $130,000 to a woman who was almost attacked by a four-month-old, four-pound dachshund puppy called Sophie.

The basic facts of the case of Penny Pinchers vs Outlaw (I am not making that up) as reported by legal blogger Philip Thomas:

Sophie's owner took her to work with her at Penny Pinchers. The rest is history. Outlaw—being afraid of dogs—ran for the back of the store upon entering and hearing Sophie bark. Outlaw could hear Sophie's claws on the floor and, I presume, her jaws snapping.

When Outlaw saw it was little Sophie, she laughed and resumed shopping. Large quantities of catfish and sugar were on her list. But Outlaw was soon hysterical with pain in her bum hip. An ambulance was dispatched. The lawsuit followed.

The appeals court concluded that Outlaw had not proven that the presence of the dachshund met the standard for a "dangerous condition" that Penny Pinchers could be legally responsible for, and notes that "we must consider that Sophie was a four pound puppy at the time of the incident."

Apparently the Mississippi judge hasn't read my post on the study that says that dachshunds are one of the breeds most likely to bite. The only reason we're safe from these monsters is that they tend to pick on victims their own size: they've been known to maul babies, and in some cases (reported here and here), dachshund attacks on infants have been fatal.

And they may have more than babies in the sights. Let's not forget the cases where other cute small dogs have tried to consume their owners bit by bit.

That photo is the last thing you'll see if you die by dachshund puppy attack. Don't underestimate them because they're little... especially now that they have the law on their side.

My evil favorites, continued

2011-05-02T07:43:00.001-04:00

OK, I haven't run across a story of murderous capybaras yet. But we've got breaking news that rounds out the evil lurking in my favorite family.

You'd never guess they are relatives, but anteaters and sloths are both members of a group called xenarthrans.

We've already seen those adorable critters committing birdicide and diving into poop.Now it's been discovered that the third member of the family, the armadillo, is making us sick.

Armadillos had previously been considered good guys in the story of leprosy.Because they are susceptible to it, they could be used in research to study the disease.

But now, genetic analysis reveals that about 1/3 of the cases of leprosy in the US each year originate from armadillos.

Now, on the bright side, this is only true of the nine-banded armadillo, which is not the cutest one: so far we're still safe from the adorable three-banded:

And despite the traditional terror associated with leprosy, it's not as big a deal in modern as in Biblical times. If caught early, it can be cured with antibiotics. And it's not actually that contagious - transmission requires extended, close contact. So the only people at risk are the ones that cuddle armadillos - or eat them.

But I know - I'm just making excuses. If you're also still not convinced, don't miss this video of a vicious attack.

First photo by Flickr user Leppyone, who adds to the problem by making that animal look so artistic.

The day after

2011-04-28T07:39:00.008-04:00

OK, we've done sloths and wombats and anteaters, and today, I will continue to try to be a role model by reporting on the misdeeds of my own personal favorite animals.

Yesterday was World Tapir Day, dedicated to raising awareness of the four little-known and apparently perfectly charming species of tapir.

If you don't know what a tapir is, please don't walk up to their exhibit at the zoo and say "Look at the anteater!" For the love of God, read the sign, OK? It's not a pig, either. In fact, their closest relatives are horses and rhinos, which just shows what you know.

So now that your awareness is raised and the tapir has had its day, let's give equal time to the dark side. You may not think that this mild-mannered looking herbivore with the adorable squishy nose is a dangerous animal, but you'd be wrong there too.

At the website of the IUCN's Tapir Specialist Group, you can read a first person description of an attack by a tapir in the wild. Tapirs are usually elusive in their natural habitat, and it's a good thing, because here's what happens when you get too close to their babies:

I turned around and ran, but in less than 5 meters she caught up with me. She pushed me to the ground and began biting me. The first bite was on my rubber boot and the next four bites were to my backpack (which saved my life!). All along I was playing dead, like an opossum, until I felt the tapir was trying to bite me in the back of my neck. At that moment, I ran on all four limbs and jumped into a dry rocky creek. I hit many rocks and fallen branches and landed hard on one side of my body. I lost consciousness and when I came to, probably an hour later, I was walking in the forest very confused and in a lot of pain. I remembered everything that happened to me and realized that I was very lucky to have survived, because this animal was furious and her strength was incredible.

And don't think you're any less at risk when the tapir is safely behind bars. In 1998, a zookeeper lost her arm to a tapir. You may wonder, what offense was she committing against this animal at the time? Well, she was trying to feed it.

What's more, the subject of the attack above was Carlos Manuel Rodríguez Echandi, the former Costa Rican Minister of Environment and Energy, described by the Tapir Specialist Group as a "highly acclaimed conservationist," who was on a visit to the forest to try to solve the poaching problem.

Some gratitude, huh?

Short-attention-span bad animals

2011-04-25T07:53:00.002-04:00

Today, we're just going to stick to the headlines:

Street's mail deliveries banned after dog bites postwoman

Rat Sends Plane Scurrying Back To Sea-Tac Gate

Man falls to death from rooftop after monkey attack

Female baboons are victims of domestic abuse

Taser fails to slow moose

Girl finds seven-foot snake in toilet

Rage-inducing chemical on squid eggs turns males into violent thugs

Looks like bad animals all over the world, of all sizes, shapes, orders, and families, are keeping busy victimizing all kinds of innocents in all kinds of ways. On the bright side, after reading that list, isn't it almost a relief to turn back to the human news?

It's your turn, otter-huggers

2011-04-21T07:56:00.002-04:00

After the heartbreak of that last post on anteaters, I am feeling particularly cruel towards fans of the conventionally cute. So today it's their turn: I am going after otters.

There are various nasty facts I could relate about otters, but let's concentrate on a recent paper in the journal Aquatic Mammals that was reported on last month by Discovery News.

This study described some interactions between sea otters and baby harbor seals in California. Before we go on, let's remind ourselves of how adorable a baby harbor seal is, pictured here with its loving mom courtesy of Zooborns:

Are you picturing those babies frolicking in the waves together? Good. So now it's time for me to tell you how male sea otters were observed violently raping juvenile harbor seals - and not stopping until the victim was dead.

Here's just part of a description of one incident:

...The sea otter gripped the harbor seal’s head with its forepaws and repeatedly bit it on the nose, causing a deep laceration. The sea otter and pup rolled violently in the water for approximately 15 min, while the pup struggled to free itself from the sea otter’s grasp. Finally, the sea otter positioned itself dorsal to the pup’s smaller body while grasping it by the head and holding it underwater in a position typical of mating sea otters. As the sea otter thrust his pelvis, his penis was extruded and intromission was observed. At 105 min into the encounter, the sea otter released the pup, now dead, and began grooming.

The authors observed 19 similar events in Monterey Bay between 2000 and 2002, which in at least 15 cases ended up with dead seals.

This actually should surprise no one: in fact, these male otters aren't treating the seals any differently than they treat their own. They will also mate with a female otter till she's dead, and indeed, during the study period, 11 percent of the dead female otters examined appeared to have succumbed to such attacks.

This behavior also should surprise no one because it's not the first time it's been observed. In fact, I've linked to this sort of story before, but I was kind enough not to rub your face in it. But if you didn't click last time, and you still have any illusions left about sea otters, read this page from the ironically named Love Lab of marine biology.

He makes it sound amusing... but that doesn't make it any less wrong.

PS: The photo up top is actually an Asian small-clawed otter (via Zooborns.) But you couldn't tell the difference, right? So take this whole post as a lesson about falling in love with animals that you don't know nearly enough about.

Another cute idol falls

2011-04-18T07:21:00.001-04:00

Even after several years of blogging about the misdeeds of animals, even after researching and writing a book on the subject that will appear later this year, there are certain animals that I retain a soft spot for.

You would think I would know better, but it still inexplicably pains me to post a story about sloths diving into sewers or a wombat attacking a man in a battle to the death.

Another of my favorites has managed to escape notice on this blog so far. I once worked in the building in the photo above, in front of which a giant anteater is honored. I once slaved over this adorable lesser anteater, or tamandua. Look how cute it is sniffing my shoe!

And despite having escaped from that servitude, more recently, I admit it, I have been known to forward adorable baby anteater photos around the internet:

But I understand that despite my weaknesses I have a job to do, and in that spirit, it would be wrong to pass up the following headline:

Swedish flamingoes massacred in frenzied anteater attack

A flock of ten flamingoes have met a brutal end at a zoo in Eskilstuna in eastern Sweden after a curious anteater broke into their compound and clawed them to death, leaving a further five birds nursing injuries.

"It is not as dramatic as it sounds. The anteater panicked when the birds cackled and flapped their wings and it struck back," Helena Olsson at the Parken Zoo told The Local on Tuesday.

"The anteater is not a meat-eater, unless you consider ants meat, but when it feels threatened, it will defend itself," she said.

Olsson said that the South American animal, whose claws she said are strong enough to damage concrete, became curious and managed to pull apart the fence separating their pens and enter the enclosure holding the long-legged birds.

"The birds are very frail and the anteater is very strong," she said.

"Not dramatic" unless you were the victims. And when an animal has claws that can damage concrete, you don't need to be a frail, pink bird to be at risk. Perhaps Ms Olsson is unfamiliar with a past story that I confess I have been sitting on, with the excuse that it is too old to be news: in 2007, a 19 year old zookeeper in Argentina actually died after being attacked by an anteater.

I guess now I'm just waiting for the inevitable news story where a pack of pugs eats its owners alive. We can only hope that I don't let down my guard to the extent that I'm the subject of that story myself.

Historic photo courtesy of Circus No Spin Zone. Check out some of his more amusing insights into bad animals here and here.

Now that's more like it

2011-04-14T08:03:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago we learned of a drive-though zoo where the monkeys had long enjoyed vandalizing vistor's cars. Two years of construction had deprived them of this pleasure, and should have been a good opportunity to break them of the habit. Instead, when the exhibit re-opened, keepers gave the monkeys their own car to demolish in celebration.

In defense of my former profession, not all animal keepers are like this, and today we meet some better role models for how to treat bad animals.

At the London Zoo, there's a walk-through exhibit of Bolivian squirrel monkeys. When it opened in 2005, the zoo proclaimed:

Our revolutionary new enclosure is the result of extensive research into what visitors really want from a modern zoo, and allows them to actually get in with the monkeys and observe them in their natural habitat.

If what visitors really want from a modern zoo is to get in with the monkeys, they're asking for trouble, as anyone who reads this blog knows. Because what you will then have to contend with is, what do monkeys really want?

The answer is never a good one. We've seen them stealing from cars, decimating vineyards, and repeatedly attacking innocent citizens, just to name a few cases.

And people who get up close on purpose usually end up sorry, even when it's a monkey they know personally.

This exhibit provides further proof of the folly of mixing too closely with our fellow primates, although no bloodshed has been involved, at least. The monkeys have taken to stealing visitor's sunglasses, and have accumulated a stash of seven pairs.

This should be no surprise: for one thing, it's not the first case we've seen of an eyewear-thieving monkey. For another, these same monkeys caused a problem a few years ago when they had to be trained to stop stealing visitors' cell phones.

And fortunately, staff are taking action again: they're providing decoy sunglasses coated with bitter apple, hoping the nasty taste will turn the monkeys off the shiny toys.

But you know, now that I think of it, I am having second thoughts about this approach. If the public is foolish enough to want to get up close and personal with monkeys, maybe we should butt out and let them see what monkeys are really like.

Time to panic down South?

2011-04-11T08:15:00.000-04:00

There was a moment last week when all of these headlines appeared simultaneously at CNN.com:

* Wild coyotes eat zoo birds (New Orleans)

* Mom stabs dog, saves tot (South Carolina)

* Hawks attack 5 people (Florida)

* Mouse poop found on shelf at local Kroger (Kentucky)

* Pants saved teen from gator ("Florida lawmakers may think twice about banning droopy drawers after a teen claims he was saved from an alligator attack because of his baggy pants.")

Given the range of creatures and offenses involved here, I think I am staying up North for the foreseeable future despite our lingering winter weather.

Photo of sign that needs to be updated with some fashion advice by Flickr user alicetiara.

Animals and Transportation, aquatic department

2011-04-07T08:23:00.001-04:00

Last week we saw snakes and a ferret travelling by train and a penguin overcoming its flightless nature via airline. And while last week's monkeys used their car as a toy rather than a means of transportation, we've seen bears and dogs try to drive cars more than once.

Is no form of transportation safe from animals? Apparently not, since we've recently seen a rash of sea life getting on boats.

In Texas, some fisherman who were after nothing more than red snapper ending up coming home with a 375 pound mako shark that jumped into their boat. The shark, perhaps having second thoughts about its choice of conveyance, thrashed around so wildly that they were unable to help it back into the water, and it died.

Although the men had no permit to catch sharks, officials reasonably concluded that no offense is committed when a shark commits suicide using your boat.

A more serious case occurred a few days earlier when an eagle ray jumped into a boat on the Florida Keys. This fish seemed more intent on murder than suicide: it landed on a woman passenger and slammed her against the deck repeatedly.

The ray was reportedly 8 feet across and probably 300 pounds, and the other passengers thought the woman was going to die. It wouldn't have been the first time - a woman died of head injuries in a similar incident in 2008.

Nearby wildlife officers heard the commotion and rushed to the boat - "shoes were getting thrown off the boat, towels were going everywhere," one told CNN. But by the time they got there, the victim had freed herself, completely uninjured. So their only contribution? Helping the culprit escape back into the water. Thanks, guys - good to know whose side you're on.

The only kind of shark that belongs on a boat by Flickr user MV Jantzen.

Bad animal pays the ultimate penalty

2011-04-04T07:46:00.002-04:00

Fred, the baboon in South Africa who learned how to break into cars to steal food, is no more.

Fred was captured and executed by lethal injection when officials decided that he had become a danger to humans. The official explanation reported in the news read in part:

This baboon’s aggression levels had recently escalated to the point where the safety of tourists, motorists and other travellers along the road past Smitswinkel Bay was being threatened. In 2010 he physically attacked and injured three people, of which two required medical attention

The decision was not without controversy, with some locals attempting to win a reprieve till the last minute. As we have seen time and again, there were those who made excuses for Fred's bad behavior, putting the blame on tourists for feeding and encouraging the baboons. One local photographer was interviewed by The Telegraph:

"The problem here was not Fred or any other baboon that can open car doors or house windows – the problem was the people," he said reportedly.

Mr Chapman added that “selfish” tourists had corrupted the animals and “turned them into a Sunday afternoon drive party trick”

Despite these passionate defenses, it seems undeniable that Fred had a role in his own problems. If tourists are handing out food, a monkey could just take it politely and be glad to have it. This blog does not condone the death penalty - if nothing else, it seems unlikely to be successful as a deterrent - but there was no reason that Fred's response to generosity had to involve breaking into cars and attacking people.

Rest in peace, Fred, and let us hope that your sacrifice serves as an example to your fellows: If people think it's cute to give you food, recognize that you've got a good gig. Don't push it, because when humans turn against you, they don't mess around.

Fred has been memorialized in his own Wikipedia entry and elsewhere, such as by photographer of the above, Flickr user vgh.media.

Animals and Transportation week, part 2

2011-03-31T08:40:00.000-04:00

It's bad enough, as we saw last time, when animals have the nerve to use our transportation technology to get around.

But for some creatures, an expensive car is nothing more than an invitation to vandalism. Nowhere is this more true than at Longleat Safari Park in England, known for a troop of macaques that do their best to dismantle the vehicles of visitors at the drive-through zoo.

Due to contruction, however, the monkeys been without victims for the last two years. You'd think the management would take this as an opportunity to break them of the habit, but they did exactly the opposite, as one staff member explained:

“We decided to give them their very own car to get them back in training for the new season. It’s clear to see from our test run however, that monkey mischief is still very much front of mind and they plainly haven’t forgotten their fondness for cars!”

The "test run" involved the monkeys given free range over their own Mercedes, which they proceeded to dismantle, as the zoo website describes enthusiastically:

The new toy was delivered last week and the 100 Rhesus monkeys soon set about tearing it apart with gusto.

The cheeky monkeys jumped on the bonnet, ran off with their very own wing mirror and rolled hubcaps gleefully away to play with.

They even rifled through luggage strapped to the top of the car, and tried on human clothes for size.

The little terrors admired their own reflections in the mirror, and even tried to pull off the Mercedes badge on the bonnet as a souvenir of their day!

Am I the only one who reads this and wonders, are the inmates in charge of the asylum?

You can see more photos of the madness from The Guardian here.

Animals and Transportation week, part 1

2011-03-28T08:04:00.000-04:00

Any successful species has to evolve suitable methods of travel. And some animals have come up with solutions that make humans jealous: who hasn't wanted to be able to fly without submitting to the indignity of airline security and cramped seating? Or swim or run effortlessly for hundreds of miles?

Humans, reduced to two legs and not even a tail for balance, have had to make up for these evolutionary sacrifices via technology. And some animals that don't know their place seem to think they can have their wings and take our planes too. We've seen this before, but recently there's been a rash of new cases:

-We saw a case of snakes on a train recently in Boston; now, in Poland, a three and a half foot long serpent escaped from a shipping cage and caused a panic, with passengers reportedly climbing on the seats and then fleeing when the train reached the station, where police and fire personnel captured it.

-You might feel those snakes can't be blamed, perhaps, but in England, there was much excitement when a ferret turned up at a train station on its own. Its owner was located living only a couple of stations down the line, so it did not make the whole 500-mile journey from London as intially suspected. However, there is no evidence that it paid for a ticket for a ride of any length, so it's still stealing.

-Most presumptuous of all of these, a penguin from Sea World took a plane flight, and strolled down the aisle while keepers lectured about it to the captive audience. And in case that hadn't sufficiently gone to the bird's head, video of the incident has over 450,000 view on You Tube as of this writing.

Still, at least those animals are using our technology for its intended purpose. Come back Thursday when we'll be perfectly indignant about some monkeys and their human enablers.

Another presumptuous penguin photographed waiting for a plane by Flickr user Stacy Lynn Baum.

Biting news briefs

2011-03-24T08:11:00.001-04:00

- At the San Diego zoo, a keeper was rushed to the hospital after being bitten by panda Bai Yun. The LA Times notes:

Despite their cuddly appearance, pandas, in the wild or in captivity, are known for quick changes of temperament that can lead to aggressiveness, zoo officials said.

You've been warned. (And it's not the first time.)

-In Israel, a model famous for her ample artificially enhanced bosom was bitten by a snake during a photo shoot. Then, on the Internet, the story that the snake had died of silcone poisoning went viral.

However, the remark about the snake dying was actually a joke, as explained by the original site that started it all.

Here at this blog we can understand the impulse to jump on the rare story where a bad animal got what was coming to it, but check your sources, people.

(You can see video at that link, if you're into that sort of thing, you sicko.)

-Remember the dog we reported on earlier this month who ate three of his owner's toes?

Well, that cute little Shiba Inu is up for adoption!

Don't knock each other over in the rush!

Adorable shiba teeth by Flickr user Daniel Gipps.

And now, on top of everything else, a rampaging rodent

2011-03-21T14:03:00.000-04:00

The world is full of frightening news right now. Still, most of it doesn't have an immediate effect on the majority of us. But out of Bennington, VT, comes a story of a risk that's much closer to home:

An East Street man said he was minding his own business and shoveling snow away from the side of his house when he was attacked.

"All of a sudden I felt something on my back and shoulders, scratching," said Kevin McDonald, of 15 East St.

It was a gray squirrel, said McDonald. He threw the animal off, but twice it jumped back onto his arms, delivering more scratches. Finally, it ran up a tree and McDonald retreated to his house.

The victim was relieved when he found out that since he hadn't been bitten, he wasn't at risk for rabies. (In fact, a Vermont public health vet tells the AP that there's never been a case of a squirrel transmitting rabies to a human.)

So he thought nothing of it till the next day:

when his wife reported hearing yelling from across the street. He said he looked to see his neighbor with a blanket and a metal pole battling a gray squirrel not unlike the one that attacked him the day before. Later, he would learn that a woman on the same street had also been attacked.

The local game warden seems to deny responsibility for solving this problem, saying there's not much he can do unless a victim can corral the perpetrator. And the reporter who wrote the original article is a bit bemused that this story has gotten worldwide coverage, especially now.

But the widespread interest makes perfect sense to this blog. Only some of us live near a nuclear meltdown or United Nations airstrikes. But cute furry rodents? Take a look out your window - and watch your back.

Thanks for the tip to reader LD. And if you see a squirrel that looks like that photo by Flickr user practicalowl, it's TOO CLOSE.

Rampaging goats accused of Nigeria election sabotage

2011-03-17T08:44:00.001-04:00

That's the Reuters headline. Let's savor it again for a moment:

Rampaging goats accused of Nigeria election sabotage

That's the sort of thing that gives a chronicler of bad animal behavior the will to go on posting.

It's hard for a story to live up to a headline like that one, but here it is:

A Nigerian opposition party accused its political rivals of sabotage on Tuesday after its vice presidential candidate was forced to make an emergency landing due to a runway invasion by rams and goats.

Fola Adeola, vice presidential candidate for the Action Congress of Nigeria (ACN), and other party chieftains made the forced landing, damaging their plane, after airport staff in the northern city of Bauchi failed to control the beasts.

The Nigerian government denied the accusation of sabotage and even the description of the event in some sources as a "crash-landing." They say that the plane had already landed when the goats ran across the runway.

And there is some support for this downplaying of the incident in quotes by Adeola himself:

We never knew that our plane crash-landed until somebody told me. It was Ribadu who later told me that I had just escaped death.

Not much of a crash-landing if some of the passengers don't even notice, perhaps?

But even if the government is telling the truth that they weren't trying to sabotage anyone... A spokesman for the national air traffic agency said:

The report we have got from Bauchi is that up till three minutes before the aircraft landed, our men and the civil defence corps provided by the state had gone round the runway and certified it okay. It was just when the rear landing gear was touching the runway that some animals emerged from nowhere on the runway.

Human staff seems to have been doing their job. Did anyone think to ask what side the goats are on?

What happens when you let goats hang out with planes by Flickr user shaggyshoo.

Regular bad animal programming resumes Thursday

2011-03-14T08:09:00.003-04:00

The blog has been watching too much news from Japan to feel like posting anything funny, so instead, first a brief public service announcement, and then, someone else to make you laugh.

Here's a link to a group that does animal rescue in Japan and has experience from the Kobe earthquake:

Animal Refuge Kansai

They take donations via Paypal. Don't panic when you log into Paypal and it's all in Japanese - there's a link at top right for English.

And, in addition to the usual international suspects, here's a Japanese organization to donate to for human disaster relief that my source in Japan recommends: JEN

And now, if you haven't seen this excellent clip about the honey badger that's been making the rounds of the internet, check it out. Disgusting.

Watch the rest of Randall's Wild World of Animals on You Tube. Definitely the official wildlife films of Animals Behaving Badly.

Animals vs. Vehicles Week, part two

2011-03-10T07:46:00.001-05:00

Turkeys aren't the only animals that are after our vehicles. We've seen bears try to steal them, dogs crashing them into storefronts, driving them over their owners, and trying to eat them, and all kinds of wildlife blocking traffic and causing collisions.

And no matter how large or small the creature, it can find a way to do damage. On the one extreme you've got the elephant in the photo above that flipped a car into a ditch (see the rest of the photos here.)

On the other, Mazda recently recalled 65,000 cars when it was discovered that spiders had taken a fancy to nesting in the fuel system of their Mazda6 sedan.

The yellow sac spiders were building webs in vent lines, and it was feared that the blockage could build up pressure in the fuel tank, causing cracks and perhaps even fires.

It's still unknown how the spiders got in or why they prefer this model of Mazda, but don't be reassured by the specificity of their taste in vehicles: now they've been found in some Hondas as well.

So before you rest easy that your make and model hasn't been involved in these reports: have you actually looked in your engine's fuel system lately?

Animals vs. Vehicles Week, part one

2011-03-07T08:00:00.001-05:00

Back at the end of January, a turkey attacked a mail truck in the town of Centreville, MA. We've seen this sort of thing more than once, of course. This time, though, there's video of an actual attack:

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Fortunately, authorities did not take the situation lying down. In early February, they attempted to net the culprit. Using a mail truck as bait they successfully lured it out of the woods, but it evaded capture:

At first the turkey only had eyes for the mail truck. (Is it love, lust, hate? We may never know.) But then the turkey-truck tango was disrupted by the guy with the net.

Slowly, Zimmer edged around the truck, with the grace of Fred Astaire, except for the giant net. But the turkey awoke from his truck-reverie just in time and edged away.

Zimmer pursued the turkey around the truck and into a neighboring yard. Just when it seemed he might have the turkey cornered, the bird took to the air and flew across the street, where it appeared to be thumbing his wattle at would-be captors.

(You can watch video of the attempt here.)

At the same time, one prominent local family who you'd think had enough publicity on their own tried to ride the turkey's tail feathers into the news: Ethel Kennedy claimed that the bird was one that she'd bought at Thanksgiving that had escaped from her property.

After widespread coverage of this development, the farmer who'd sold turkeys to the Kennedys denied that this was possible, saying that the perpetrator was too old to be one they had bought.

Finally, in mid-February, wildlife officials upgraded their weaponry, and once again using a mail truck as bait, caught the turkey with a hand-held gun that shoots out a net.

The tom's imprisonment sounds like it's going to be pretty cushy, though. Amy Travers, education coordinator of the wildlife education facility where he's now incarcerated, seems a bit overexcited about the new arrival: "He's making our dreams come true," she told the Cape Cod Times, explaining that he'll be part of lessons about the role of turkeys in American history.

And he's not in solitary confinement: far from it, at the end of February, the facility provided him with a girlfriend.

But the bird will be kept a safe distance from visitors, and his enclosure has been chosen to avoid provoking his violent tendencies, says Travers:

"The mail truck usually doesn't drive back here — he stays all the way out front."