Mauled and mortified

I probably don't have to tell you to be afraid of crocodiles and their relatives. I'm sure you have the sense to be wary of crocodilians even without reading recent research proving that saltwater crocodiles have the strongest bite of any living animal.

You probably also know enough to stay away from gharials - that crocodilian with the incredibly skinny snout - even without knowing that the same research shows that their delicate-looking jaw can bite just as hard as that of its stockier-looking relatives.

And you're probably afraid enough of modern crocs without knowing that their ancestors were the most dangerous biters even when dinosaurs walked the earth. The same scientist devised a way to calculate the bite strength of extinct animals, and concluded that ancient crocs bit harder than a T. rex.

So you know these creatures are dangerous. But recent news shows that an attack by these animals can also be extremely embarrassing:

-In Uganda, a crocodile recently chewed off a man's buttocks.

-We all hope for a more dignified death than the Indonesian man who was killed by a croc while pooping on a river bank.

-And in Zimbabwe, a man wading across a river "had his testicles and part of his manhood torn into shreds" by a croc. He only escaped with his life by dropping a box of tomatoes he was carrying, distracting the animal.

Of course, what these examples also show is you're most likely to get yourself bit in an unmentionable place by a croc if you are using poor judgment. The Ugandan "reportedly jumped into the lake to evade law enforcement officials." And that poor emasculated fellow told reporters that he was wearing only his underwear because he had had taken off his pants so they wouldn't get wet.

Dry pants, or an extra layer of protection for your most delicate organs? The choice is apparently not as obvious as I would have thought. Yes, these animals are bad - so let's make sure we have our priorities straight around them, OK?


Don't underestimate the absurd-looking snout of the gharial in that photo by Flickr user Chris Gray.

Bad animal news briefs

A few updates in some of our traditional categories of bad animal behavior:

-Animals bringing out the worst in people: A study reveals that the average dog causes three family arguments per week, over 2000 in the course of its life:

Incredibly, in 17 per cent of households the dog disputes have got so bad one member of the family has slept in the spare room, while a quarter of those polled have been known to storm off after things got too heated.

-Animals with human vices: A parrot rescued by sanctuary in England has been barred from appearing in education programs because of his fowl - er, foul mouth. A staff member puts it delicately: "Mr T is actually a very friendly parrot but he has never lived with other parrots and he has picked up some interesting phrases and words which are not appropriate for some venues we go to."

-Endangered animals that can't blame us: A rare Sumatran tiger at the Toronto Zoo, brought all the way from San Diego for breeding purposes, killed a female instead of mating with her. The zoo spokesperson who commented that tigers "rarely kill each other" obviously doesn't read this blog.

-And finally, in the recent trend of animal home invastions, the perps are getting scarier: A family in Australia heard its dog barking and woke to find a 1.7 meter crocodile in their home. The resourceful man of the house fended it off with a guitar till wildlife officials came to subdue the creature. Identifying marks revealed that ths reptile had been on the lam since a breakout at a croc farm over six years ago.

Mainstream media gets it perfect for once

There is nothing I could possibly add to or delete from this brilliant story from the Associated Press, and inspired by this crocodile's gall, I'm going to start the New Year off all animal-like by simply stealing the whole thing:

SYDNEY (AP) — A giant saltwater crocodile named Elvis with an apparent affinity for household machinery charged at an Australian reptile park worker Wednesday before stealing his lawn mower.

Tim Faulkner, operations manager at the Australian Reptile Park, north of Sydney, was one of three workers tending to the lawn in Elvis' enclosure when he heard reptile keeper Billy Collett yelp. Faulkner looked up to see the 16-foot (5-meter), 1,100-pound (500-kilogram) crocodile lunging out of its lagoon at Collett, who warded the creature off with his mower.

"Before we knew it, the croc had the mower above his head," Faulkner said. "He got his jaws around the top of the mower and picked it up and took it underwater with him."

The workers quickly left the enclosure. Elvis, meanwhile, showed no signs of relinquishing his new toy and guarded it closely all morning.

Eventually, Faulkner realized he had no other choice but to go back for the mower.

Collett lured Elvis to the opposite end of the lagoon with a heaping helping of kangaroo meat while Faulkner plunged, fully clothed, into the water. Before grabbing the mower, however, he had to search the bottom of the lagoon for two 3-inch (7-centimeter) teeth Elvis lost during the encounter. He quickly found them and escaped from the pool, unharmed and with mower in tow.

Though many may question the wisdom of going after a couple of teeth with a massive crocodile lurking just feet away, Faulkner said finding them was critical. "They clog up the filter systems," he said.

And, he said, "They're a nice souvenir."

Elvis has a history of crankiness and has lunged at staff before, though this is the first time he has stolen something from one of the workers. The croc was initially captured in the northern Australian city of Darwin, where he had been attacking fishing boats. He was then moved to a crocodile farm, where he proceeded to kill his two crocodile girlfriends.

In 2008, he was moved to the reptile park, where he has enjoyed solitary confinement in his own enclosure.

"When they are the dominant croc, they're just full of testosterone," Faulkner said. "He's got his beautiful own yard, he wants to be a solitary creature. He's happy."

Despite having to give up the lawn mower, Elvis was clearly pleased with himself, Faulkner said.

"He's beaten us today ... he's kingpin," Faulkner said. "He's going to be walking around with his chest puffed out all day."

As for the staff at the reptile park?

"I can't lie, the bosses are not going to be happy about the cost of a new lawn mower," Faulkner said with a laugh. "(But) we love it. No one's injured ... and when you get scared and it all turns out to be good, it's actually quite enjoyable."

Humans behaving stupidly

In many of the stories on this blog, beneath an obvious tale of an animal behaving badly, there is a subtext: humans behaving stupidly about animals. Once in a while, it's only fair to bring that subtext to the fore.

In England, a woman feeding white bread to ducks in a part was chastised for not jumping on the whole foods bandwagon:

"Then a man in a fluorescent waistcoat who was holding a litter pick-up stick came over to me and said 'I know you mean well but giving them white bread is not good for them.'

“He said next time if I brought wholemeal, granary or bird seed that would be better for them.”

Elsewhere in England, police cleared the area and called for assistance when they saw a cobra coiled around the handlebars of a bicycle. As the snake expert who responded told the tale:

"I grabbed all the kit I would need to protect myself from a venomous snake, including a snake hook and my snake stick, which I need to grab snakes to stop them biting."

But when he arrived at the scene on Sunday lunchtime, the red-faced officers revealed it was a rubber toy.

A happy ending for all there, but in the Congo, herpetological ignorance and overreaction turned to tragedy when a crocodile escaped from a passenger's luggage:

The croc had been hidden in a passenger's sports bag - allegedly with plans to sell it - but it tore loose and ran amok, sparking panic.

A stampede of terrified passengers caused the small aircraft to lose balance and tip over in mid-air during an internal flight in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

The unbalanced load caused the aircraft, on a routine flight from the capital, Kinshasa, to the regional airport at Bandundu, to go into a spin and crash into a house.

A lone survivor from the Let 410 plane told the astonishing tale to investigators.

Ironically the crocodile also survived the crash but was later killed with a machete by rescuers sifting through the wreckage.

Speaking as a former reptile-keeping professional, if you're ever in this situation, my advice: A crocodile that can fit in someone's hand luggage is WAY less likely to kill you than a plane crash. Please remain seated.

Bad animals and humans

The deluge of bad animal news continues, along with the usual humans who don't know what side they are on:

In Australia, a rampaging goat put three people in the hospital when it invaded the grounds of a nursing home:

The goat butted the gardener before attacking a second man, aged in his seventies, who rushed over to help. Both of the men suffered suspected spinal injuries during the incident and the gardener, aged 60, was also left with cuts to his head and elbow.

A woman who had witnessed the furore injured her ankle as she ran for help.

Of course, some made excuses:

Peter Balassone, who lives next door to the goat's owners, said he was surprised to hear of the drama.

"The goats have been fine, believe it or not. Not a problem at all," he told the Melbourne Herald Sun newspaper.

Then this neighbor reveals what might be the reason why there have not been problems before: it's not the goats' good nature, it's technology:

"But he does have an electrified fence on his side (of our fence)."

Also in Australia, a water aerobics class had to be delayed when a freshwater crocodile was found in the pool.

And finally, in Florida, where that monkey is still on the loose, people not only have to be warned not to feed it, some have actually threatened the trapper who's trying to catch it:

"I've had two different phone calls so far (from people) telling me if I kill the monkey that they're going to kill me," Vernon Yates of Wildlife Rescue and Rehab told 10Connects.com.

Follow the continuing monkey coverage at TampaBay.com.


Bad goat painted by Flickr user i eated a cookie.

Why did the creature cross the road? Part 1

To cause a commotion, of course. Even a chicken might cause you to swerve or slam on the brakes, but what if you saw a Nile crocodile - especially if you were far from that Egyptian river, in Turkey:

A 1.2-meter long crocodile caused commotion as it walked across the road between western holiday cities of Bodrum and Milas on Tuesday.

A Nile River crocodile weighing around 12 kilograms frightened and surprised drivers and passengers as it came into the path of traffic at the 25th kilometer of a road near Güllük town. Drivers tried to direct the crocodile to some empty land near the road using sticks. Curious drivers pulled over to watch the crocodile. Traffic police and Güllük Mayor Aytunç Kayrakçı went to the place to see the crocodile.

How did a Nile crocodile get to Turkey? Turns out it was a pet, called Nilo, that lived in a pool at a local restaurant. Of course, there's always someone around to make excuses for the animal. It's not surprising that the owner claimed that none of this was the croc's fault:

"Tourists in our restaurant have good times with Nilo. It is a little bit aggressive now as it is away from its home."

But he wasn't the only one who downplayed the disruption:

A traffic police officer said it was the most interesting event he had witnessed in his professional life in around 20 years.

Photo of sign in Florida that they need in Turkey by Flickr user ewen and donabel.