The law stands up to bad dogs

It's reassuring that once in a while there are cases where bad animals are NOT getting away with it. And it's even more gratifying when it's one of the animals that has the most frequent opportunities to trouble us: Dogs.

-In Germany, a woman who tied her dog up while she went shopping returned to find a ticket attached to its collar. As readers of this blog would expect, she denied the dog was at fault:

"I was only away for 20 minutes. They said Tessa had been left in the wrong place and was blocking the pavement. But she was sitting quietly and people had plenty of room to walk around her. She's sweet and tiny and loves attention, she'd never hurt anyone."

But authorities are not taking any nonsense, claiming the dog barked and tried to jump on passers-by. And since the owner contested the ticket and lost, instead of her original 35 euro fine she now owes 58.50.

-And in Hawaii, business is booming for dog trainers after a new anti-barking law was passed. It's now illegal to bark continuously for 10 minutes, or repeatedly for 20 minutes within a half-hour. More complaints are being successfully lodged than under the previous law, which required busy police to time barking for half an hour and then allow the owner to try to shut up the pooch for an hour.

Incessant barking these days adds insult to injury: According to the Wall Street Journal, there's speculation that complaints have risen because with the high unemployment rate, more people are home to be annoyed by their neighbor's dog.

As usual, some still side with the animals, like one local resident who said "To me, barking is good because it notifies you somebody's around who shouldn't be around."

But as in Germany, authorities are not messing around. One couple was cited five times for their two noisy dogs, accumulating fines of $575. They made a deal with the prosecutor to dismiss all but one citation if they submitted to "dog counseling" and remained clean of violations for six months. All is quiet for now, but it's not over, their dog trainer said ominously: "If [they] re-offend within six months then the matter will be revisited."

More stuffed animals messing with our minds

Last week we saw several cases where emergency responders were called out to subdue a large wild animal that turned out to be a life-size stuffed toy. Normally I would not revisit this topic so soon, but two recent events suggest that that post may leave some with the wrong impression.

In Nottinghamshire, England, police were called when a passerby saw a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel asleep in the back of a car in what counted for England as extreme heat (according to The Sun, "temperatures soared to 18°C (64°F).")

This is indeed a potentially dangerous situation, and no one should ever leave a dog in a hot car. Unless, of course, as in this case, it's a stuffed toy.

And in Scotland, a woman called the SPCA when she found a five foot long snake in her attic. "I'd brought gloves and a pillow case to enable us to handle and contain the snake safely, but as soon as we spotted it we realised the equipment wouldn't be necessary," said an officer. In fact, it was a snake-print stuffed draft blocker of the sort that you lay along the bottom of a door in cold weather.

The Scottish officers were sympathetic - "It did look very snake-like and was folded over into a box," one said - and had a sense of humor about the situation: They've given the "snake" a name and a home in their office.

The Nottinghamshire police, however, remained prickly about the situation and blamed the owner of the car, saying “Officers believed a dog could be suffering. This is a perfect example of why drivers need to think about what they leave on view.” No doubt they are cranky because they now have to reimburse the owner for the damage to the car.

The lesson here is obvious: it's not just imitation megafauna that can cause this kind of problem. Much smaller stuffed creatures can be just as problematic.

So again: We've got enough trouble dealing with the bad behavior of real animals. So let's all try to just look a bit more closely before calling in the troops.

Animal Excursions News Briefs

A selection of recent cases of animals on the loose in interesting ways:

-In Ireland, an elephant made a break from a circus and went on an outing to a local shopping center - well, its parking lot, anyway - reportedly because she didn't want to take a bath. (See video here.)

-In Italy, a dog decided to go on a visit to its owner's girlfriend:

The female pooch walked herself to the train station in the town's center, waited on the appropriate track at the right time, then boarded the regional line towards the home town of her owner's girlfriend, seated in the car she habitually took with her human companion.

Nice try, but she didn't make it. As we've seen happen before, when train staff saw the dog disembark alone she was apprehended and taken to an animal shelter.

-And another case of a classic type: In Russia, someone unwisely left three dogs in a car with the engine running. The dogs got the car into gear and drove down the road till they crashed into another vehicle. That driver ran off to get police, who returned to find the dogs had made their getaway. Fortunately they were located nearby and apprehended before they could do more damage.

Out Of Place Animals Week, part 2: On the Go

In our last post we saw animals that wanted to settle down in places they shouldn't. Today, some animals barging in on human transportation:

-Last month, an opossum in New York city decided to try taking the subway. New Yorkers can ignore almost anything weird that goes on on the subway, but apparently this crossed the line. The train was evacuated and a group of police officers decided that despite a bag and heavy gloves, they weren't up to the task of taking the animal into custody. The opossum got a solo, presumably express, ride to the Bronx, where it was extracted by "a group of emergency service officers, an elite squad that handles complex jobs, including capturing rogue coyotes and apartment-invading hawks."

-The train was also the conveyance of choice for a dog in Sweden:

Eira was left at her new day kennel in the southern Stockholm suburb of Hökarängen last Thursday by her owner but struck with home sickness she decided take the matter in her own paws and head out for home.

She evaded her carers and walked the kilometre to the local metro station, ducked the barrier and jumped on a northbound train, according to a report in the Dagens Nyheter daily which has been confirmed both by her owner and the police.

The dog stood patiently among the other morning passengers and waited in the six stops between Hökarängen and her home station of Gullmarsplan - a busy bus, road and metro junction.

The dog got off at the right stop, but was taken into custody by station staff and handed over to the police, presumably for nonpayment of fare.

-In Los Angeles, passerby flagged down the driver of a pickup truck to tell him someone had hitched a ride: a seabird with a seven foot wingspan. I'm guessing that this albatross tried to make the excuse "I just flew in from the South Pacific and boy are my wings tired," but experts weren't fooled. They said that this was no doubt at least the second time the lazy bird had hitched a ride on its journey:

They suspect the bird stowed away on a cargo ship, hitching a trans-Pacific ride to Los Angeles before disembarking and hopping into the pickup.

The seabirds are adept at soaring long distances and can spend years roaming vast areas of the ocean without ever touching land. But they can mistake the flat surface of a passing container ship for a nesting island, landing and sitting there unnoticed until the ship arrives in port.

Yeah, "mistake," sure. Rescuers caught the bird, boated it out to sea, and tossed it overboard, and it took off after a few seconds - using its own damn wings for a change.

Bad animal news briefs

A few updates in some of our traditional categories of bad animal behavior:

-Animals bringing out the worst in people: A study reveals that the average dog causes three family arguments per week, over 2000 in the course of its life:

Incredibly, in 17 per cent of households the dog disputes have got so bad one member of the family has slept in the spare room, while a quarter of those polled have been known to storm off after things got too heated.

-Animals with human vices: A parrot rescued by sanctuary in England has been barred from appearing in education programs because of his fowl - er, foul mouth. A staff member puts it delicately: "Mr T is actually a very friendly parrot but he has never lived with other parrots and he has picked up some interesting phrases and words which are not appropriate for some venues we go to."

-Endangered animals that can't blame us: A rare Sumatran tiger at the Toronto Zoo, brought all the way from San Diego for breeding purposes, killed a female instead of mating with her. The zoo spokesperson who commented that tigers "rarely kill each other" obviously doesn't read this blog.

-And finally, in the recent trend of animal home invastions, the perps are getting scarier: A family in Australia heard its dog barking and woke to find a 1.7 meter crocodile in their home. The resourceful man of the house fended it off with a guitar till wildlife officials came to subdue the creature. Identifying marks revealed that ths reptile had been on the lam since a breakout at a croc farm over six years ago.

Traditions and trends news briefs

It's a time of year when traditions take center stage. Some prefer precise repetition, with every ornament on the tree in the same place; others want to push the envelope, stuffing the turkey with new-fangled ingredients instead of using Mom's old-time recipe.

Bad animal have traditions, too, and like us, some of them are old-school, and some are pushing the envelope:

-Dogs shooting their owners with guns: it's so common that it made it into the subtitle of the book - and they're not stopping now.

In Utah, a dog in a boat with some duck hunters jumped onto a shotgun and shot one of them in the butt. The man was taken to the hospital, where he was treated and released. Those of you who object to hunting will no doubt be pleased by local news reports that "The dog and any ducks within range at the time of the accident were uninjured."

A more serious case occurred in Florida, where a bulldog named Eli in shot his owner in the thigh with a rifle while in a truck on a hunting trip. Reports called the shooting "unintentional" despite the fact the dog had to release the safety before being able to shoot the gun. The 78-year-old victim was shot in a major artery and and as of last Tuesday was still on a ventilator.

-Bears scavenging for garbage and even breaking into homes is nothing new, but they're taking it to a new level. I thought I was impressed by the bear in Vancouver that actually hitched a ride on a garbage truck (video here) until I read about the bear that had been living for weeks in a basement in New Jersey.

The animal had built a bed of leaves and branches and was ready for a comfy winter till a cable TV guy came to make a repair. He heard a growl and turned to find himself facing a 500 pound black bear:

"I just freaked out, threw my tools, ran out of the basement."

It took a hour-long chase for animal control officers to tranquilize and capture the bear. The homeowner plans to start keeping his basement locked, and maybe you want to check all your doors as well.

-Finally, what may be a new trend: we recently saw a seal trying to get into someone's house in Australia.

That one didn't make it, but seals seem to be taking this as an ongoing project, and the second attempt was a success. No doubt realizing our weakness for the cute, this time the seals sent a baby to perform the mission. After making its way from the water across busy roads, up a long driveway, under a gate and through the cat door, it made itself at home on a sofa.

Fortunately, they chose a victim that had more sense than most. The New Zealand woman at first thought she was hallucinating, then, she said:

"Then it looks at me with those huge brown eyes. It was so cute, but I didn't touch it because you don't with wild animals."

Masked bandits join forces

In Sweden, they're bracing for an invasion of masked criminals - and it's going to be worse than they were anticipating.

Raccoon dogs have spread from their native lands in East Asia into Europe, and although they're rather adorable, the result isn't pretty.

The raccoon dog (Nyctereuctes procyonoides) is not related to raccoons, but is a canine distantly related to domestic dogs. It's named in English for its resemblance to the familiar North American masked animal.

They're particularly prominent in the folklore of Japan, where they are called tanuki. Just looking at their role in traditional tales, one might be unnerved about the prospect of having them immigrate.

They have a reputation as tricksters, but this sometimes goes farther than practical jokes. They can change shape, and can disguise leaves as money to get sake and food from unsuspecting humans. They are known for making bizarre use of their scrotum, which they can enlarge into a huge sheet to use in various ways, such as as a blanket or a boat. They disturb the peace in the evenings by drumming loudly on their belly and balls. But in one region they're also famous for recurring wars, and there is at least one traditional tale where they kill an old woman.

Fairy tales, sure - but the reality is turning out to be even more destructive. In Finland, they're reportedly wiping out wetlands birds and frogs - and they manage to do so despite the fact that 100,000 are shot per year.

They've established themselves in Denmark as well, and now neighboring Sweden is next. The waters separating the two countries are not enough to deter the tanuki, which are good swimmers. It's feared that they're bringing rabies and tapeworm along with their prodigious appetites.

But, you might say, they could be relieved that at least they're not raccoons, right? We don't need folklore to know that raccoons commit violent assaults on humans and dogs, invade homes, and even take advantage of bad economic times to take over property.

Ah, but not so fast. When Sweden installed cameras along the border to monitor for the presence of raccoon dogs, they found large numbers of raccoons as well.

Raccoons are not native to Europe, so where did this invasive species come from? Many are descended from four raccoons set free in Germany in the 1930s by Herman Göring.

So: shapeshifting canines and Nazi raccoons. Sweden, we wish you luck.


Traditional well-endowed tanuki statue by Flickr user anjuli ayer.

Check your stereotypes at the kennel door

No doubt you've already seen the video that's gone viral that shows 15-pound Paco the chihuahua chasing two armed robbers out of a shop in Los Angeles.

This news has elicited the usual surprise and astonishment from people who don't read this blog, and so are unaware of the real nature of cute small dogs. As I have reported before, one study found that the dog breeds mostly likely to show aggression towards people are dachshunds, Jack Russell terriers, and yes, chihuahuas.

And unfortunately, not all chihuahuas use their powers for good. Elsewhere in California, a neighborhood had its mail delivery suspended because of a chihuahua that was frightening the mailman.

By the way, one report revealed that the same home owned another dog who had taken no part in interfering with the postal service. And the breed of that other, well-behaved canine? Pit bull.


(Oh, and that apparently unrelated photo? That's Vegas the German shepherd, who flunked out of police dog training in England because she wouldn't bite and is afraid of children.)

Dog finally put in her place

More and more, animals are getting swelled heads about their place in the world. We've seen them getting influential jobs and political appointments and even one that caused a scandal by receiving communion at a church in Canada.

Today we note the passing of one of these animals: a maltese named Trouble. When millionaire Leona Helmsley died in 2007, she left $12 million for the purpose of keeping this dog in the luxury she was accustomed to.

A judge later reduced the amount to two million, but it was still plenty to allow Trouble to retire in style at one of Helmsley's Florida hotels. The dog's caretaker conceded that he could get by on $100,000 a year: $8,000 for grooming, $1,200 for food and the rest for his fee and a full-time bodyguard, made necessary because Trouble allegedly was the target of death and kidnapping threats.

Trouble was apparently treated better than Helmsley's human family. According to the New York Daily News:

Trouble accompanied Helmsley via private jet to her homes in Arizona and Florida, her 21-room Connecticut mansion Dunnellen Hall, and Helmsley's duplex penthouse with swimming pool at the Park Lane Hotel on Central Park South.

Helmsley, who cut two grandchildren out of her will and evicted her son's widow after his death, was often seen cuddling the canine, which was always impeccably dressed.

But even a dog who outlives her owner and out-inherits the human relatives must eventually meet the fate that awaits us all: It was belatedly reported last week that Trouble died in December.

And Trouble is being kept in her place, finally, at the end. Helmsley wanted the dog buried with her. But a spokesman for the cemetery where she was laid to rest has the last word: "You cannot bury pets in a cemetery."


Another little ex-dog by Flickr user mymoustache.

Three Bad-Animal Weekend

For the holiday, a few quick headlines, posted in-between Blogger outages:

Mutant turtles terrorize London ponds

California family finds mountain lion in garage

Nazi scientists tried to create an army of talking dogs


Also, it's a good time to make sure you didn't miss the classic post about squirrels behaving badly on Memorial Day.

Photo of poster publicizing fearsome Maryland relative of those London terrapins by Flickr user clearly ambiguous.

Dog fought the law... and the dog won

In a legal setback in the battle against bad small dogs, a Mississippi appeals court recently overturned a decision awarding $130,000 to a woman who was almost attacked by a four-month-old, four-pound dachshund puppy called Sophie.

The basic facts of the case of Penny Pinchers vs Outlaw (I am not making that up) as reported by legal blogger Philip Thomas:

Sophie's owner took her to work with her at Penny Pinchers. The rest is history. Outlaw—being afraid of dogs—ran for the back of the store upon entering and hearing Sophie bark. Outlaw could hear Sophie's claws on the floor and, I presume, her jaws snapping.

When Outlaw saw it was little Sophie, she laughed and resumed shopping. Large quantities of catfish and sugar were on her list. But Outlaw was soon hysterical with pain in her bum hip. An ambulance was dispatched. The lawsuit followed.

The appeals court concluded that Outlaw had not proven that the presence of the dachshund met the standard for a "dangerous condition" that Penny Pinchers could be legally responsible for, and notes that "we must consider that Sophie was a four pound puppy at the time of the incident."

Apparently the Mississippi judge hasn't read my post on the study that says that dachshunds are one of the breeds most likely to bite. The only reason we're safe from these monsters is that they tend to pick on victims their own size: they've been known to maul babies, and in some cases (reported here and here), dachshund attacks on infants have been fatal.

And they may have more than babies in the sights. Let's not forget the cases where other cute small dogs have tried to consume their owners bit by bit.

That photo is the last thing you'll see if you die by dachshund puppy attack. Don't underestimate them because they're little... especially now that they have the law on their side.

Short-attention-span bad animals

Today, we're just going to stick to the headlines:

Street's mail deliveries banned after dog bites postwoman

Rat Sends Plane Scurrying Back To Sea-Tac Gate

Man falls to death from rooftop after monkey attack

Female baboons are victims of domestic abuse

Taser fails to slow moose

Girl finds seven-foot snake in toilet

Rage-inducing chemical on squid eggs turns males into violent thugs

Looks like bad animals all over the world, of all sizes, shapes, orders, and families, are keeping busy victimizing all kinds of innocents in all kinds of ways. On the bright side, after reading that list, isn't it almost a relief to turn back to the human news?

Time to panic down South?

There was a moment last week when all of these headlines appeared simultaneously at CNN.com:

* Wild coyotes eat zoo birds (New Orleans)

* Mom stabs dog, saves tot (South Carolina)

* Hawks attack 5 people (Florida)

* Mouse poop found on shelf at local Kroger (Kentucky)

* Pants saved teen from gator ("Florida lawmakers may think twice about banning droopy drawers after a teen claims he was saved from an alligator attack because of his baggy pants.")

Given the range of creatures and offenses involved here, I think I am staying up North for the foreseeable future despite our lingering winter weather.


Photo of sign that needs to be updated with some fashion advice by Flickr user alicetiara.

Biting news briefs

- At the San Diego zoo, a keeper was rushed to the hospital after being bitten by panda Bai Yun. The LA Times notes:

Despite their cuddly appearance, pandas, in the wild or in captivity, are known for quick changes of temperament that can lead to aggressiveness, zoo officials said.

You've been warned. (And it's not the first time.)

-In Israel, a model famous for her ample artificially enhanced bosom was bitten by a snake during a photo shoot. Then, on the Internet, the story that the snake had died of silcone poisoning went viral.

However, the remark about the snake dying was actually a joke, as explained by the original site that started it all.

Here at this blog we can understand the impulse to jump on the rare story where a bad animal got what was coming to it, but check your sources, people.

(You can see video at that link, if you're into that sort of thing, you sicko.)

-Remember the dog we reported on earlier this month who ate three of his owner's toes?

Well, that cute little Shiba Inu is up for adoption!

Don't knock each other over in the rush!



Adorable shiba teeth by Flickr user Daniel Gipps.

Animals vs. Vehicles Week, part two

Turkeys aren't the only animals that are after our vehicles. We've seen bears try to steal them, dogs crashing them into storefronts, driving them over their owners, and trying to eat them, and all kinds of wildlife blocking traffic and causing collisions.

And no matter how large or small the creature, it can find a way to do damage. On the one extreme you've got the elephant in the photo above that flipped a car into a ditch (see the rest of the photos here.)

On the other, Mazda recently recalled 65,000 cars when it was discovered that spiders had taken a fancy to nesting in the fuel system of their Mazda6 sedan.

The yellow sac spiders were building webs in vent lines, and it was feared that the blockage could build up pressure in the fuel tank, causing cracks and perhaps even fires.

It's still unknown how the spiders got in or why they prefer this model of Mazda, but don't be reassured by the specificity of their taste in vehicles: now they've been found in some Hondas as well.

So before you rest easy that your make and model hasn't been involved in these reports: have you actually looked in your engine's fuel system lately?

Animals, journalists and press spokespersons behaving badly

Looks like it's "humans behaving ignorantly about bad animals in print" week here on the blog.

There's no way I couldn't be attracted to a headline like this one:

Small dogs chew off elderly man's toes

But little did I know I would find such riches in this report by Fox News in San Diego.

First, to get the facts out of the way: Yes, the evidence seems conclusive that two cute little Cavalier King Charles Spaniels ate three toes off a 72-year-old man with neuropathy, a condition that left him with no feeling in his feet.

As a person with two cute smush-faced dogs myself, who certanly will eat anything, I want to state this as decisively as possible: THIS IS WRONG. DO NOT EAT YOUR OWNER'S BODY PARTS.

But there's plenty of blame to go around in this report, and the offenses go from one extreme to the other.

On the one hand we have the elderly victim's caretaker making excuses for the man-eating pups:

But Chilson said he believes the dogs were trying to heal a sore.

"Occasionally he can get a knick on his foot, and I think what happened is they found a scab on his toe and began licking and chewing."

Oh, sure. Just trying to help him out, they were.

At the other extreme we have the animal control department's spokesperson:

DeSousa said he had never heard of a case where dogs had gnawed off someone's toes before, but he said fatal dog attacks are relatively common.

Now, I'm all for exposing the under-reported bad behavior of animals, and I'm perfectly happy to put a spin on a story to make a point. But fatal dog attacks are only "relatively common" if you think it counts as "common" that you have a one in 18 million chance of being killed by a dog. You're five times more likely to be killed by lightning. Dogs kill more children than they do adults, but even children are more likely to die in an an accident involving a party balloon.

I feel we should also place equal blame on the reporter for the inclusion of this statement, since it's totally unclear how it is relevant - after all, even I find it hard to believe that chewing off toes is the first step on a slippery slope to a fatal attack. If that was the intent, it is seriously not a very efficient way to go about it.

However: While we should admit that animals are bad but dogs are not likely to kill you, that doesn't mean we should go to the other extreme - and in the very next sentence - where the spokesperson appears to make a complete turn-around and come down on the side of the excuse-makers:

"Accidents happen all the time, and in most cases we'll never know why, because we can't talk to the dogs," DeSousa said.

OK, anyone could take a taste of a motionless digit by "accident." But when THREE human toes are totally consumed, someone knew exactly what they were doing.


Cavalier contemplating turtle soup by Flickr user colorblindpicaso.

Small but deadly

Regular readers of this blog understand that people who believe dogs are our species' best friend are just not paying attention. You also know better than to let down your guard just because an animal is small and cute.

But perhaps I've been remiss in not pointing out how critical it is to bring those two observations together.

The dangers of small, cute dogs have in fact been scientifically proven. One careful study of canine aggression found that the breeds with the highest percentage of bad behavior toward people were Dachshunds, Chihuahuas and Jack Russell Terriers.

But you need to watch out for other adorable little breeds as well. In England, a family has been threatened with eviction unless they get rid of their dog that's been attacking the mailman, causing delivery to the whole street to be suspended. Is their pet a big muscular Rottweiler or one of those pit bulls with the mythical "locking jaw"?

No: it's a six inch tall Yorkie called Peggy.

And in an even more high-profile case, media personality Martha Stewart was taken to the emergency room to have a gash on her lip sewn up after she was head-butted by one of her adorable French Bulldogs, Francesca.

Of course the PR spin calls it an accident. But after investigation into both Martha and her pet's blogs, our friends over at The Dog Blog on Dogster cast doubt on this explanation:

Earlier this week Francesca wrote about how excited she and Sharkey were about Martha finally coming home from a big trip to Columbia and Florida. “Finally, she’s coming home and told us that she is craving a homemade vegetable soup. We, Frenchies, thought it would be nice if that soup was ready and waiting for her, so we got busy.” Francesca proceeded to show, via photos, how she and Sharkey found all the veggies growing in Martha’s greenhouse-like area. They worked hard, and were proud of their efforts to please Martha.

Next thing you know, Martha is back home (woo hoo!). But according to Martha’s blog, she only had time to unpack, sort her stuff, and play with the dogs before taking off again within hours to beat a snowstorm so she be in NYC for an early appearance on the Today Show and then go off to her own show. So when the “accident” happened, Martha hadn’t even spent one night home after her long trip.

Now Martha will be spending many nights at home. Frenchies are known for their intelligence.

You do the math.

That's Francesca in the photo above. The caption says she loves the jacket. Look at her expression and judge for yourself whethere there might be more than one reason for lingering resentment in this relationship.



(Photo from Stewart's website, where you can also see a slideshow of her cut lip and trip to the doctor, if you're into that sort of thing.)

Doing it wrong, again

Last time we saw conservationists trying to prepare baby pandas for life in the wild by confusing them about the difference between a panda and a human in a costume.

Today we look at another case of humans trying to solve animal problems in a deranged fashion.

At the same time that we're driving wild animals to extinction, we're loving our own pets to death by overfeeding them. In one poll, vets said that 45% of their canine patients and 57% of the felines were overweight.

(And it's not just pets. Strangely, we're such a bad influence that some animals are getting fatter just by being nearby. A recent scientific study found that not only are average weights for lab animals going up, so are those of the feral animals like rodents roaming our streets.)

Of course, where there's a problem, there'll be an entrepeneur trying to make money solving it. Cats don't read diet books or join weight loss support groups, but in England, your cat won't have to worry if he gets too fat to fit through his cat door:

More Than pet insurance and TV vet Joe Inglis have teamed up to launch ‘Cat Flap of the Future,’ an extra large cat flap with sliding doors operated by a paw recognition system.

At 32cm by 35cm, the fat feline’s futuristic dream is twice the width of a regular cat flap.

And if you’re wondering how your overweight moggy will make it to the cat flap, you don’t need to worry on that front either.

The new invention also includes a cat conveyer belt to carry your feline friend from ground to flap level.

People: think about it. Your pet can't open the can or the cabinet on its own. You feed it with a measuring cup. If it's overweight, how about you try feeding it less?

Stand up against animal disinformation in the New Year

While not usually a fan of rushing the holiday season, this blog has been convinced by the suggestion of the great and admirable The Rejectionist that December is a good time to give New Year's resolutions a test run.

This is particularly true in the case of animal-related resolutions, which can be sorely tested by the holiday gift-buying season.

Of course, if you read this blog, you already recognize that you have a problem. You're a member of the precious minority that understands that animals aren't as cute as they want you to think.

But that's only the beginning. Now you need to make a commitment to being part of the solution.

It's not enough to simply forward links to this blog to everyone you know, although of course that is a vital first step. You also need to make sure you're not helping the enemy by inadvertently participating in its propaganda campaign.

So, make these three simple promises and stop helping animals pull the wool, fur, feathers and scales over our eyes.

1. I will not click on headlines like the following:

Faithful dog waits for owner near Shanghai fire without eating

Horses never forget human friends

Bonobo is excellent babysitter

or anything involving a panda.


2. I will not buy books like these:

Am I Boring my Dog?

Zooborns: The newest, cutest animals from the world's zoos and aquariums!

And I will especially not buy indoctrination materials for impressionable children like:

The latter book's shameless edition for young people, ZooBorns!: Zoo Babies from Around the World

And Tango Makes Three, a classic attempt to warp young minds that this blog deconstructes here.

3. And finally, when I hear of stories like this one:

Porpoises rescue Dick Van Dyke

I will remind everyone: We never hear from the people who the dolphins push AWAY from shore.



(It should go without saying that you will definitely not buy Obey the Pug merchandise here.)

Bad Animal Award

The perfect followup to National Dog Day: It's time again for the annual Hambone Award for the pet with the most unusual insurance claim for the year.

This year's winner, Ellie the labrador, ate a beehive full of dead bees, after exterminators had sprayed it with pesticide.

The vet told Ellie's panicked owners, Robert and Sandra Coe, that she hadn't been stung, and the pesticide would have no ill effects:

For the next week, the Coes administered over-the-counter antacid tablets and put Ellie on a diet of plain white rice and chicken. “She was eating better than we were,” joked Robert. “She acted just fine that week, really, but every time she went to the bathroom, she pooped bees. Thousands of bees. I don’t know where they all came from – the hive wasn’t that large.”

Ellie beat out a number of worthy candidates including:

-A terrier that bit a chainsaw - while it was in use;

-Another Labrador that ate 23 packages of instant breakfast mix;

-A border collie that ran straight through a glass window to bark at the mailman;

-A car-chasing boxer that actually caught one;

-And a poodle that ate two baby bottles and a dirty diaper, whose owner said:

“We thought we were being careful by putting the bottles underneath a metal cover in the sink and using a separate trash can for the diapers, but we underestimated Roscoe’s determination.”

Read their full stories here.