Dolphin sexual harrassment: video proof!

This video contains extremely clear and unmistakable proof that dolphins sexually harrass human beings. If the mere words in news stories aren't enough to convince you - or your dolphin-hugging friends - trust me, this will do it. Not safe for work. Don't say I didn't warn you.

No rights without responsibilities

Two years ago I reported on the proposal of one academic that dolphins should be considered "non-human persons" who are entitled to rights and freedoms.

I was hoping this idea would die a quiet death after I argued that I was totally on board with it - as long as it meant that we treated dolphins the same way as humans who behaved equally badly.

But apparently the guy is still going around flogging this idea, most recently at the AAAS conference held in Vancouver.

I'm simply going to sigh deeply and reproduce here the relevant section of the Animals Behaving Badly book:

Some academics have argued that dolphins are so intelligent that we need to treat them as more than animals, based on evidence that they have large brains, pass on cultural activities, recognize themselves in mirrors, have sophisticated communication systems, and so on.

Setting aside the implication that is OK to treat someone badly as long as they’re stupid - because honestly, who hasn’t had the temptation - I am happy to grant the premise that dolphins are brilliant, since it takes nothing away from my argument that they are basically bastards. In fact, I’m quite intrigued by the suggestion of one author that these evil geniuses should be considered “non-human persons.”

“Dolphins should be considered non-human persons,” says ethicist Thomas White, “because they have the kind of consciousness that, in the past, we thought was unique to our species. They’re not just aware of the world around them but they have the ability to look inside and say ‘I.’ They have a sense of choice and will.”

White argues that dolphins, like humans, should be given “moral standing” as individuals, and surely any reasonable person who has read this chapter would support this. Yes, we’ve seen that dolphins are gang rapists, murderers, baby-killers, and pose a serious threat to innocent, ignorant humans - but that’s exactly the point. It’s about time we start treating dolphin persons in the same way that we treat human persons who commit those crimes. Enough putting them on T-shirts, then, and more putting them on trial: let them pay the price like the rest of us have to.

Photo of a dolphin statue in Florence that captures the true evil within by Flickr user mike-wise.

Bad Animal Sex Science Linkarama

Some recent headlines in cutting-edge research into the appalling sex lives of animals:

Jealous Hermaphrodite Shrimp Murder Their Rivals
Cleaner shrimp are pretty kinky creatures, able to reproduce both as male and female. They can't fertilize their own eggs, though, so they do need a partner. And when they get one, they don't take any chances. This research found that when tankmates molt, the shrimp take advantage of their vulnerable state to kill them. This continues until only one pair is left in the tank.

Spiders with good gifts get lucky for longer
This research reveals the gold-digging nature of female spiders. The males trade gifts for sex, and the females have upscale tastes:

Male nursery web spiders carefully prepare silk-wrapped gifts to woo potential mates into having sex. But if the present is worthless -- like inedible plant seeds or the tasteless remains of eaten prey -- mating ends abruptly.

Dolphins team up to get the girl
Uh, right. They make it sound so charming, but, as readers of this blog should be well aware, dolphins are known gang rapists. The research reported in this article investigated why they do this. (Apparently "because they are assholes" is never enough for a scientist.) The results show that dolphins in these gangs are more likely to sire offspring. Big surprise, since as the researcher notes, "The female can't get away from them."


Dolphin doing the sort of job these filthy animals deserve by Flickr user septuagesima.

Porcipcide most foul

Dolphins, again. Yes, I'd love to stop beating this aquatic dead horse and spend more time covering the bad behavior of other animals. But the battle against the absurdly positive reputation of these psychopaths of the sea continues to make little or no progress. So I would be remiss in not covering a recent story in the San Francisco Chronicle about the increasing number of dolphin attacks on harbor porpoises off the coast of northern California.

These smaller marine mammals pose no threat to dolphins and reportedly don't even compete for the same food sources. But as we've already noted, they are often beaten to death by dolphins, possibly gangs of sexually frustrated young males.

Dolphins didn't used to venture as far north as San Francisco. But in the last few years they've started to move in, so the neighborhood has gone rapidly downhill for the porpoise: there have been over 50 deaths since 2005, and of course, those are only the ones we know about, where the bodies have washed up on shore. Even the scientists are calling it "porpicide."

Here are the particularly heinous details of the attack on one recent victim:

It had two badly broken jawbones, fractured ribs on both sides and a broken scapula, evidence of a sadistic attack. Worst of all, the female porpoise, which had been seen twice before and identified by researchers in Monterey Bay, was lactating when she was killed, according to marine biologists.

And yet, while somewhere out there a motherless baby starves to death, what do we see but the release of yet another ridiculously positive and heartwarming dolphin movie.

Where are the porpoise-proponent protestors picketing this piece of propaganda? Where are the international organizations exposing the slaughter? If it's not OK for us to do this kind of thing, why do dolphins get a free pass?


Peruse more pictures of porpicide in progress at The SF Chronicle. And ponder: if you don't pass this post around, are you part of the problem?

Even dolphins are entitled to a defense

Today has been declared Save Japan Dolphins Day by people who want to stop dolphins from being fished for food in Japan. They encourage you to join them in protests at Japanese embassies around the world.

The last thing dolphins needs is more publicity. But this blog, as an almost-lone voice against dolphin worship, can't let the event pass without comment.

Defenders of dolphins are usually people with romantic notions about animals. They think that animals are better than we are, that we're the only species that commits acts of senseless violence. They're definitely not readers of this blog, where we have repeatedly documented the facts:

-Male dolphins form aggressive gangs to chase down female for sex.

-They sexually harrass females of another species as well - our own.

-They kill babies - the young of harbor porpoises as well as their own,
and recent studies suggest this is done by sexually frustrated young males.

-They kill adult harbor porpoises as well.

Yet people are so unable to believe that these animals are ill-intentioned that their ignorance may put them in danger. People continued swimming out to play with a dolphin called Moko in New Zealand even after many had to be rescued from his aggression by lifeguards, and when he died he was given a funeral by those who continued to defend him.

Now, none of this is meant to defend the slaughter of these animals. I'm just saying that the main reason to stop it is this: we shouldn't lower ourselves to their level.

Dolphins may be no better than we are, but we live in a civilized society, where even murderers are entitled to a defense lawyer. So protest all you want, but remember, when you watch celebrity endorsements of the claim that dolphins save lives - we never hear from the people the dolphins push AWAY from shore.



Dolphin taking a smoke break - you know they would if they could - by Natalie Dee.

Animals don't need violent video games

Some people still cling to the illusion that animals are less violent than humans, that they only kill because they need to eat.

It's hard to use this excuse for the snow leopard in Pakistan who recently killed 68 goats in a single night, far more than it could consume. Not only is this animal wasteful at best, it clearly doesn't know which side its goat is buttered on, because now the slaughter is causing disputes between the farmers that own the goats and conservationists. That is, conservationists who want to protect the snow leopard. Way to help the people who are trying to save your furry butt, huh?

There are also plenty of animals that kill other animals that they don't eat even a little bit of. We've seen before that dolphins, hiding behind their inexplicably charming reputations, kill both the young of harbor porpoises, and baby dolphins as well. A recent study suggests that the culprits are young males taking out their sexual frustration. Even the researcher, presumably well acquainted with the truth about dolphins, was appalled by their behavior:

In one particularly violent attack, three dolphins corralled their victim before seven others joined them to ram the porpoise to death. Cotter found most shocking the fact that two dolphins remained behind to play with the carcass before pushing it towards his boat. "It was almost like they said: 'We're done playing with it, here you go'."

But we can be thankful that there are at least a few children who won't grow up with illusions about the peaceful nature of our fellow creatures, thanks to one lion at a zoo in England:

Kids see a lion eat cuddly zoo animal

The cute binturong - also called a bearcat - was one of a pair to climb a tree before dropping into the big cat den at Chessington World of Adventure.

Jason Harcombe, visiting with his two-year-old son Oscar, said: "The poor animal didn't stand a chance. The lions jumped on it straight away and killed it.

"The lioness brought the body up to the glass and then she and her mate just ripped it apart in front of us."

Now there's an animal who is really trying to help me do my job here on this blog.


Lion caught in the act in photo from the Daily Mail.

Stand up against animal disinformation in the New Year

While not usually a fan of rushing the holiday season, this blog has been convinced by the suggestion of the great and admirable The Rejectionist that December is a good time to give New Year's resolutions a test run.

This is particularly true in the case of animal-related resolutions, which can be sorely tested by the holiday gift-buying season.

Of course, if you read this blog, you already recognize that you have a problem. You're a member of the precious minority that understands that animals aren't as cute as they want you to think.

But that's only the beginning. Now you need to make a commitment to being part of the solution.

It's not enough to simply forward links to this blog to everyone you know, although of course that is a vital first step. You also need to make sure you're not helping the enemy by inadvertently participating in its propaganda campaign.

So, make these three simple promises and stop helping animals pull the wool, fur, feathers and scales over our eyes.

1. I will not click on headlines like the following:

Faithful dog waits for owner near Shanghai fire without eating

Horses never forget human friends

Bonobo is excellent babysitter

or anything involving a panda.


2. I will not buy books like these:

Am I Boring my Dog?

Zooborns: The newest, cutest animals from the world's zoos and aquariums!

And I will especially not buy indoctrination materials for impressionable children like:

The latter book's shameless edition for young people, ZooBorns!: Zoo Babies from Around the World

And Tango Makes Three, a classic attempt to warp young minds that this blog deconstructes here.

3. And finally, when I hear of stories like this one:

Porpoises rescue Dick Van Dyke

I will remind everyone: We never hear from the people who the dolphins push AWAY from shore.



(It should go without saying that you will definitely not buy Obey the Pug merchandise here.)

Non-Vacation Linkorama

The blog is busy working on writing A BOOK (Whoo Hoo!), so for today go check out these stories of bad behavior elsewhere:

Even worse than the antelopes who pretend they see a lion to keep a mate from wandering off: Male water striders summon predators to blackmail females into having sex.

Dormice stand (or maybe lie, cute and sleepy) in the way of progress. (OK, we have a sneaking admiration for this kind of thing, actually. Are we getting soft in our old age?)

On Ugly Overload, I reminisce about an animal with very ugly behavior.

And from The Oatmeal: Five Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth.

Moko behaves badly no more

It's not often that we get to note the passing of a prominent badly behaved wild animal.

Moko the dolphin was such a well known figure in New Zealand that he was given a funeral and buried in a casket with flowers on top. Speakers at the ceremony, like the woman in this video, said things like:

"He swam in the water with all of us, and the water was filled with love."

Yes, this woman is talking about the same dolphin that we met some time ago, who was famous for "playing" with swimmers, as reported in The Telegraph under the headline "Delinquent dolphin causes terror in the surf:"

Six people have needed rescuing by lifesavers in recent days as the dolphin has become more aggressive.

Among them were two 12-year-old girls who were both injured when they were "mugged" by Moko for their boards.

And a 16-year-old surfer was stranded 500 yards offshore after the delinquent dolphin stole his board.

Gisborne man Dean Makara said he was knocked out of his kayak.

...In an earlier incident, an exhausted woman swimmer feared she would drown after Moko refused to let her return to shore because he had not finished playing with her.

An autopsy was performed, but the pathologists investigating Moko's death reported that they were unable to determine the cause.

Why am I the only one who seems to be wondering the obvious: Was it revenge?

Bad Animal Research Reports

Now there's a title for a journal I'd subscribe to in a minute. But since it doesn't exist, I'll try to keep you all up to date:

-In Wales, PhD student Hanna Nuuttila is using high-tech listening devices to figure out why dolphins beat up on porpoises.

This carries on from a previous acoustic monitoring study she did for The Seawatch Foundation, prompted by the discovery that Cardigan Bay dolphins were killing porpoises.

"When dead porpoises stranded, you could tell dolphins were involved from dentition marks in their flesh," she explains.

"The porpoises were also suffering massive haemorrhages and their internal organs were all mushed up. They were being battered to death, really."

My hypothesis is that the reason is "because they're assholes," but I understand: this is science and hypotheses must be tested, not assumed. We look forward to the results of this research.

-Purdue University scientist William Muir is working to breed a strain of chickens that won't kill one another. This is necessary because humans want to raise chickens more humanely, and here's how they thank us when they are kept in groups in large enclosures instead of in solitary confinement:

"If you have a lot of birds that want to be top bird there's going to be fighting," Muir said. "If you leave their beaks intact it's a bloodbath. They will literally kill each other. It's kind of a dominance thing. ... They just peck each other to death."

-Finally, scientists in England have found that wild birds are skeptics about the claims that organic food is better. In a three year study, birds consistently ate more of the non-organically-grown seed, searching it out when feeders were switched around.

Researchers suggested that this might be due to the fact that the non-organic seed was actually more nutritious, with a ten percent higher protein content. But I don't know if that's it. Have you ever tasted some of the stuff they sell in those organic markets? Animals may be bad, but they're not idiots.


Evil chicken by Flickr user Photo Lex.

Animals being treated humanly

As we've seen in the last four posts, some animals don't know their place, doing things that by all rights should only be done by humans.

But as this blog shows again and again, sometimes we only have ourselves to blame. It's no surprise if animals act like people if we treat them like people. This sort of thing is getting out of hand, and I don't just mean dressing dogs in clothes. I'm talking about stuff like pre-natal classes for elephants.

This trend has finally reached its pinnacle: two researchers have proposed that because dolphins are so intelligent, they should be considered "non-human persons."

As reported by the UK Times Online, the scientists base their argument on research showing that dolphins may be smarter than chimps, can recognize themselves in a mirror, pass on cultural activities, have complex problem-solving abilities, and blah blah blah. You know the sort of thing.

You might be surprised at this conclusion, but this blog has decided to support this proposal. Yes, we've seen that dolphins are gang rapists, babykillers, and pose a serious danger to innocent (if misguided)humans.

But you know what? It's about time we start treating dolphins in the same way that we treat human persons who do all of those things. I don't suggest that we should trust dolphins themselves to be the dolphin police like in the logo in the photo above, but as long as we can work out a system to arrest them and bring them to trial, this blog is fully in favor.


Inexplicable Turkish motorcycle police logo thanks to Flickr user noneck.

Delinquent dolphin

When Moko the dolphin first appeared in a New Zealand harbor, people who obviously don't read this blog called his behavior 'playful.' Now, the Telegraph reports:

Six people have needed rescuing by lifesavers in recent days as the dolphin has become more aggressive.

Among them were two 12-year-old girls who were both injured when they were "mugged" by Moko for their boards.

And a 16-year-old surfer was stranded 500 yards offshore after the delinquent dolphin stole his board.

Gisborne man Dean Makara said he was knocked out of his kayak.

...In an earlier incident, an exhausted woman swimmer feared she would drown after Moko refused to let her return to shore because he had not finished playing with her.

Of course, there are still always those who don't seem to know whose side they should be on. Such as:

There have also been calls to appoint a "guardian" to safeguard Moko's interests.

Advocates for the creature have sprung to his defence, saying they are horrified at headlines dubbing him "Moko the Menace".

Dave Head, an environmentalist who has studied Moko, angrily dismissed reports that the dolphin was a sexual predator.

And, as reported by Sky News:

Olympic kayaking double gold medallist and surf lifesaving instructor Alan Thompson said reports of Moko's behaviour were exaggerated.

He told The New Zealand Herald: "If you don't like the way he plays, then don't go out in the water."

And, a whole storyful of dolphin huggers in the local Gisborne Herald, titled "Don't Blame Moko," includes the following quote:

“It is an honour to have Moko and experience first- hand Mother Nature and [Maori sea god] Tangaroa. I have never heard of dangerous dolphins, only people being saved by them.”

But to the contrary, as readers of this blog know, despite their inexplicable charming, peaceful, new-agey-t-shirt-decoration reputation, dolphins are sexual harrassers, and gang rapists, and babykillers.

Add that to the fact of this dolphin's age - what the Telegraph described as an "exuberant and insolent hormone-pumped teenager" - and you've got a recipe for interspecies disaster, when the other species is one as clueless as our own.

Marine Science expert Professor Mark Orams has compared Moko's personality change to humans going through puberty.

"He's doing what we all do as teenagers," he said.

"He's testing his boundaries, but he's testing them on humans - and humans are coming off second best."

Photo of Moko with human trying to eliminate herself from the gene pool from the Gisborne Herald.

Dolphins: really not cute, seriously

Dolphins. I've already tried to convince you that they are attention whores and gang rapists.

But you probably still think they are cute, and mystical, and noble, and live surrounded by love and new-agey instrumental music. Would it change your mind to know that that 'dolphin safe' tuna results in the death of ten times more sea turtles than other methods of fishing? No? OK, how about infanticide? Dolphins not only kill the young of another species, the harbor porpoise, but their own:

The attacks on dolphins less than a year old have spawned numerous theories. "Probably my favorite is male infanticide," notes (researcher) Paul Thompson from Aberdeen. If a new suitor approaches a female that already has a youngster, "there's no point in hanging around for two years with the wrong male's calf," he says. Killing the calf might bring the female into a receptive state much sooner.

If you're not willing to believe laypersons like me and blogger Bad New Hughes:

Dolphins are all smiley and frolick-y and shit on TV, where they solve problems, rescue kittens and do flips. In the wild, they're as big as Volkswagens and twice as fast. Not to mention totally evil and smart enough to really fuck with you.

then go get it from an expert: this post on dolphins' dark secrets by marine biologist Miriam Goldberg, who notes:

The scariest part is dolphins can wreak havoc day and night without sleeping. A recent study found that dolphins could stay awake for five days straight with no loss of mental acuity. The dolphins didn't even need to make up sleep at the end of the study, though the scientists sure did.

If the dolphins ever evolve thumbs, we're in trouble. It will be like a slasher-film remake of Douglas Adams' So Long And Thanks for All The Fish. If I wash up with pulped innards and dolphin tooth marks, you'll know why. After all, you never hear about the people the dolphins push out to sea.

Looming, ominous dolphin by Flickr user gwen.

Dolphins and their dirty secrets

"Everybody who's done research in the field is tired of dolphin lovers who believe these creatures are floating hobbits," said well known animal trainer Karen Pryor, quoted in the New York Times - in 1992. She must be 17 years tireder now, because nothing has changed.

As we saw Friday, all dolphins have to do is show up and people assume they're doing some great good deed - despite the fact that when they can get close enough, they may actually attempt sexual assault.

Their own sex lives are no more gentle or romantic, the same Times article relates. In fact, male dolphins actually form gangs to capture females to have sex.

Males collude with their peers as a way of stealing fertile females from competing dolphin bands. And after they have succeeded in spiriting a female away, the males remain in their tight-knit group to assure the female stays in line, performing a series of feats that are at once spectacular and threatening. Two or three males will surround the female, leaping and bellyflopping, swiveling and somersaulting, all in perfect synchrony with one another. Should the female be so unimpressed by the choreography as to attempt to flee, the males will chase after her, bite her, slap her with their fins or slam into her with their bodies. The scientists call this effort to control females "herding," but they acknowledge that the word does not convey the aggressiveness of the act.

"Sometimes the female is obviously trying to escape, and the noises start to sound like they're hurting each other," said Dr. Rachel A. Smolker of the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. "The hitting sounds really hard, and the female may end up with tooth-rake marks."

At the time of this article, one question was still unanswered:

although what happens once the males have herded in a female, and whether she goes for one or all of them, is not yet known: the researchers have yet to witness a dolphin copulation.

I guess I could look for more recent research on this, but aren't you appalled enough for now? If not, how about this:

...once she gives birth the alliance loses interest in her. Female dolphins raise their calves as single mothers for four to five years.

So utterly charming!

Dolphin laughing at us by Flickr user holga new orleans.

Dolphins are full of it

BEIJING, April 14 (Xinhuanet) -- Thousands of dolphins blocked the suspected Somali pirate ships when they were trying to attack Chinese merchant ships passing the Gulf of Aden, the China Radio International reported on Monday.

The Chinese merchant ships escorted by a China's fleet sailed on the Gulf of Aden when they met some suspected pirate ships. Thousands of dolphins suddenly leaped out of water between pirates and merchants when the pirate ships headed for the China's.

The suspected pirates ships stopped and then turned away. The pirates could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins. The spectacular scene continued for a while.

I know, you're thinking, "But this is a good deed! How are these animals behaving badly?"

Well, there's nothing that ticks me off like animals leaping on a news story to get free publicity to boost their already ridiculous reputation.

There may be no animal that people have a more absurdly romantic view of than dolphins, and no doubt they like it that way. Showing up and leaping gracefully next to a pirate ship - and letting people's imagination fill in the most benevolent interpretation - it's a great way to deflect attention from their more unsavory activities.

In fact, dolphins not only harass female dolphins till they have sex with them (an activity worthy of attention on its own - come back Monday), they've even been reported trying to do the same to human swimmers, like the case of a dolphin called George reported in England in 2002.

O'Barry, who works with the World Society for the Protection of Animals, said: "Georges's well-documented sexual aggression poses a real threat to the thousands of swimmers who will be descending on Weymouth over the summer."

He told the London-based Times newspaper: "This dolphin does get very sexually aggressive. He has already attempted to mate with some divers.

"When dolphins get sexually excited, they try to isolate a swimmer, normally female. They do this by circling around the individual and gradually move them away from the beach, boat or crowd of people."

O'Barry said the dolphin would get very excited and rough before trying to mate with a swimmer, possibly causing them to drown.

We'll look more at dolphins and their aggressive attitude toward sex on Monday. In the meantime - They're animals, people, don't let the pretty paintings fool you!